#fitspiration

Seems like my last blog really turned things up. All the sudden I went from someone people looked up to, and changed into someone people have begun to question. The feedback of “you aren’t who we thought you were,” got thrown at me for telling the truth about many of our “idols” and divulging in the lifestyle I now lead.. Just because I’m telling it like it is, doesn’t make me any less of an athlete or dull down the triumphs that I’ve fought through. Here’s a taste of reality my friends, I’m still human. I still sweat the same and bleed just as everyone else. I don’t work any less hard for what I want to achieve just because I reached for extra help. At the end of the day, its my decision how I lead my life just like it’s yours to choose to read this, follow me on social media or even look at me for inspiration.

And with that thought in mind…

Inspiration… Where does it come from when you’re reaching for something that seems impossible to touch sometimes? What drives you to keep pressing forward on days that try to push us back? What makes us strive harder during moments that we beg to give up? For every individual the answer is one of a kind but gives the same result, the ability to accomplish the task at hand. Whether small or large, life’s struggles can easily succumb us to negativity and at times makes us want to cripple under the pressure. So what gives you strength in a time of angst? It can be a desire, a person, an object, an idea and even if it’s a far-fetched dream, if it pushes you to make progress then its worth the hold.

I gain much of my mental strength from my physical strength and visa versa. I pull from both sources to motivate the other. I think about all that my weathered eyes have seen through the years, how heavy my heart has been before, how much weight I’ve carried alone and how I’ve gotten through it all step by step to get to the place I am now. How even when I’ve felt like I was at my last leg (physically and mentally speaking), I kept trudging forward not allowing the elements to deter me. But some days are too tough to look back at my accomplishments or down at my leg for motivation and I need something more to push me through my moments of fear. Or maybe it isn’t something at all…maybe its more like someone.  

I think everyone should have someone who they look up to. Whether a person that you are related to, a friend or someone as influential as the president,  looking up to an individual for their strengths is healthy. If you have known me for any where of oh 5 minutes, you know who I have looked up to on days where I felt like I couldn’t lift another ounce of steel or for energy to get me through my 55+ hours work weeks. She’s a model of fitness and a shining example of what you can accomplish when you keep your mind focused and character gracious. Shes a champion in the body building world and a successful business owner, all while keeping her personality grounded and realistic. She does charity work and travels constantly, but keeps her diet and workouts on point and intense. You see her rockin the baddest of her brand and the cover of magazines, with a teeth clenching look and the rocker symbol flashed. She’s a model of accomplishments and a leader in the industry I call home. She is Dana Linn Bailey.

Dana isn’t just an icon, to me she’s a symbol of what I’m trying to accomplish. Like myself, she started off a figure competitor, decided to take a leap of faith and ended up rising to the top of the physique world. I  began following her about 3 years ago after she won her title for the first ever pro physique competitor. After watching her videos on youtube I began to research her and found out all that she has accomplished in her young life. She is a superstar who can rock pull ups on a goalie post or bench over her body weight, inspiring others to be more rounded athletes and not just focus on lifting weights. She owns a clothing company with her husband Rob that they built from the ground up, becoming a successful business owner along with the title of pro athlete. You  see her surprising her fans constantly, showing gratitude for the people who have helped her rise to the top. She’s a tomboy but has the girliest laugh, making people around her smile from it being contagious. SO do you see the correlation? Her reality is my dream, which hopefully will one day be my life.

She is a regular person, just like you and I, but how can you not be drawn to such a strong individual? Too many people put celebrities on pedestals when in reality they are normal people who have just gone above and beyond to make sure their dreams come true. Having admiration and appreciation for an individual whose behavior you would like to emulate isn’t young minded, it’s mature. You know what you want in life and by finding people (whether on a personal level or in a public figure) who carry your mindset, allows you to see more clearly the path on which to obtain it. While I don’t put her in an idol category, the admiration I have for her as an athlete and public icon are high. I have a photo of her that I look at everyday…yes everyday and say Ill get there…time and hard work I’ll get there. And guess what?! That reminder. That photo. That little glimpse reminds me and motivates me EVERY DAMN DAY. How?? Because I was once the size she was when she started…and now she is larger than life in so many ways.

 

(photo in the middle is of Dana a year into training for her first figure show. The side photos are of me after training for physique from figure for about 9 months)

And it’s not only her physical prowess that amazes me. I truly believe that she has gotten as far as she has because she has stayed humble and down to earth. When deciding to go for a goal that will be obtained in the public eye, one needs to possess that “it” factor. The special something-something that catches the people’s eye and keeps them tuned in. The ability to stay true to yourself but please the public is not an easy task and one has to be able to handle the pressure of the sometimes cruel words of the world. Dana not only is one of the most conditioned female body builders I’ve ever seen, but she also has a sound heart that sets a proper example in our industry. Sponsors feature her because she’s constantly taking photos with adoring fans and judges love her because she is top notched at every show. She shows her human quirky personality on her youtube channel but her husband also films her breaking killer sweats in their own gym. You don’t hear bad things about her nor do you see trashy photos of her spewn all over the web once she became pro. She has kept her balance and gone above and beyond to achieve her status while keeping her nose clean out of trouble. And isn’t that what my goal is…to make my dream come true all while staying grounded. Are you seeing more and more why this woman is such a creature of inspiration?

I’ve cleaned up my act a lot from what I once was. The partier, the troublemaker, the deadend. And when I finally decided to get my act together a few years ago I had to clean up much of the mess I had caused from years of a party girl reputation. When I decided to shoot for this dream of becoming an IFBB Pro, I had to realize that if this were to come true, that I would have to really be sure I could handle the on look of the public eye. While I’ve experienced it on a smaller level, being that I’m a well known zumba teacher and trainer in the area, I could potentially be taking this to a larger scale which would be a hell of a lot more pressure. I’ve been offered the naked photo shoots for a quick buck, or the hook ups with the suppliers to make my way up the food chain, but why would I risk that? Put aside the lack of morals it takes to screw someone to move up in the industry but what about the fact that it would come back to haunt me when I achieve the title I’ve put so much work in towards obtaining.  The bullshit just isn’t worth it. I would rather work my tuccus off and come out a shining star for my efforts and good behavior rather than having my legs open and a decent physique…and yes people in the industry do that…shocker?? Didnt think so. I remember being at a show one time and a pro figure competitor was helping to host the event. My coach at the time had PLENTY to say about her, including showing me what came up when he googled her name…and it had nothing to do with being on a body building stage…although she was rocking a stage, wearing clear heels and a thong. See your past comes up to bite you when you become a search engine topic. Pull up google and fill in some names in my industry you know and see what happens. Be careful though that your grandmother isn’t around because she may slap you upside the head when she thinks you’re about to whack off to porn…Yeah its that graphic. Now type in Dana Linn Bailey and see what comes up. Go ahead snoop around, try to dig something up that has any negativity to it. Good luck. Because you won’t find what your grams would beat you with a broom for.

Being an inspiration to someone isn’t a joke. I take it very seriously when someone comes up to me and says the I inspire them. To me its an honor not a right, just because I lift weights, that I can hear those words. I only deserve them if I’ve worked hard mentally and physically and kept my head level and heart whole. See so many gym rats think they are held to a certain level over others because they lift weights and compete…wrong. It’s the attitude you hold all while lifting and competing. Anyone can strictly diet but doing it with a smile and encouraging others to make healthy choices is what makes you a motivation for others. I not only want the title but I want to rest my head at night hoping that I helped to inspire someone to make healthy choices or follow their dreams that day. Whether on a small or large-scale, I would hope that I hold even a small candle to what Dana has done for me, without her even knowing it. Just looking at her picture or seeing how her business is growing makes me want to push harder during my workouts or work the longer hours, if it will help me get to my goal as pro. It’s a hard balance to have, but knowing that I can help make someone’s life more fruitful while driving my own dreams forward, is worth the sweat and sacrifice.

Live your life’s dreams the way you imagine it. Whether it be getting your masters degree or accomplishing the task of motherhood, becoming the professional football player or starting your own business, march forward but with class. Its important to remember where you’ve come from and that you can touch others along they way, inspiring them to beat the odds. Knowing that you could be helping someone just by being focused on your future will make you a more rounded individual and when you make it to the top, wherever that may be, you will have much more support than you could ever imagine.

I have yet to meet her, but one day I hope to shake her hand, take a photo with one of those duck face teeth clenching grins and say Thank you for being you while you kept focusing on you. To me, that would be a dream come true. And I hope that through this journey, my story and behavior too will be contagious. I hope to be someone’s FITspiration. I don’t need thousands of likes on my instagram or notoriety only in the industry through mouth (and I’m not talking verbally here….) I want to be a good example while being real…and having reality and my dreams collide.

How will you make a difference?

Situation Steroid

I’m going to talk about the subject that no one is supposed to. That most won’t admit to. That many shy away from in fear of exposure…That’s right people, I’m going to voice the forbidden. I’m going to write about a topic that has changed my life, for better and for worse. I’m going to help clear the air a bit about…

Steroids

To most outside the world of bodybuilding, steroids are an evil topic brought on by fictional stories that are portrayed by the media and the masses, giving the term “roid rage” a run for its money. We hear horror stories or see edited “documentaries” on how steroids cause the user to go in fits of rage or become muscle monsters overnight, cheating the sporting world of its true honor. But let’s face it, what in the media can we believe now a days? Things have become so outlandish to reel the viewer in, that newscasters will amplify any story just to get ratings, whether true or completely false. And they seem to always find the bad apple pertaining to any certain subject, intensifying the situation by finding the poorest example to represent the issue at hand. When I was about 14 years old MTV did a special on steroids and I vividly remember that episode because of the extreme behavior that they showed in the documentary. It honestly had stuck in my mind for years because of how bad of a taste it had left in my mouth about the drug. (I only thought there was one kind of steroid for the longest time) The media made me believe that ALL people on steroids were violent, hot headed, depressed, over bearing, moody, self centered and complete pigs, turning me away from the idea of using completely…their point. Even as my athleticism progressed over the years and the pressure to out do myself grew, I never once thought about using due to that one episode. The personality effects were enough to deter me without even getting into the disgusting health effects that they implied to occur. So why would I, after years of being STRONGLY against ANY drug, decide to change my mind about steroids? Because the skinny runner girl wanted to become an IFBB Pro Physique Champion.

I admit it, I was a FAT kid. I’ve always had a healthy appetite and even though I was extremely active, I never could lose the weight. I remember back in elementary school a specific event about my weight…one that scared me deeply; That got two entire class rooms full of kids in trouble for the harassment they put me through. That moment in 6th grade was defining for me. Why? Because after that day, when 2 classrooms full of kids ganged up on me and my two best friends due to my weight, I developed an eating disorder. Yup there it is. For the entire general public to know, I had bulimia and anorexia for 10 years of my life.  It wasn’t until my early 20’s, that after being told my kidneys were failing, did I get my shit together and got help. It’s amazing how I look back at all the years I was trapped in this mindset of false reassurement and how I gave up so many years of my youth to a disease to please. The love I received from my father after becoming “skinny” or the attention I got from the popular kids, who once harassed me into the disease, gave me power and I loved it. I had this sense of royalty being “beautiful and thin” and I knew whenever I felt alone I could turn to my disorder and things just felt better. I ran 50+ miles a week on next to no nutrition. I did EXTREME amounts of exercising (all cardio and endurance based) without even an ounce of a carb to fuel me. I did everything on complete and utter willpower, fueled by Edna (the name I gave the voice of my disorder) who consistently told me that me being tired was just an illusion. I shriveled down to 108 pounds (for a person of my thick structure, that was THIN.) and became gravely ill, without even knowing it. I developed so many stomach and internal issues, that to this day I have irreversible problems with certain levels and organs. And the worst part about this all is that when I went to try to gain weight again, the process was nearly impossible. Anytime I would gain a minimal amount of weight, I would lose it within a week. If I did any type of cardio or upped my workouts, forget it the weight would melt right off. My coaches were completely spell-bound by how fast my body would shed weight or how difficult it was to keep my gains. From a former fat kid to a stick chick, it was the catch 22 of all evils. For so many years I wanted to be skinny, thin, viewed as media beautiful and when I wanted to make gains, I had caused so much damage that I couldn’t. You would always hear me talk about my runner’s metabolism and how that’s the reason I cant keep my weight on, and while that’s part of the problem, the side effects of my disorder are too. I look back at what I did for 10 years of my life and think how foolish I was to let society and my peers pressure me, but its easy to allow the cruel words to get under your skin. The damage I caused myself and what I have to deal with to this day, wasn’t worth those momentary pleasures of feeling gluttonous with “skinny girl power”.

The first time I was approached about using steroids was back in November of 2012, after telling my then coach about switching into the physique category. I had this mindset like, “give me the diet. I’ll forcefeed myself into gaining weight. I’ll do whatever I need to.” I was completely against the idea of using, in fact I got insulted about him asking. I had just sweeped an entire show on nothing but hard work and he had the balls to ask me if I wanted to use? Naive as I was, I had no clue how hard gaining the weight would be for my coach and I. So when nothing was working, he gave me a 3500 calorie diet and made me fat, and I mean FAT. I was bogged down in calories that lifting in general was too taxing on my body after it had already used its energies to digest all the food I was in taking. I ended up relapsing with my disorder after weighing in at 170 with a gut and depression, making all my fears a reality again. So I fired him and moved on before the disease took over again. I had a few coaches in between but after still not gaining the mass I needed to, I began feeling hopeless. I wasnt in the mindset to compete anymore and that bothered me. I felt like a joke in the industry, watching my peers making gains and here I was, an out of shape “pretend body builder” It wasnt until July of 2013 when I met my last coach that my world changed and so did my opinion.

Being that I was so hell-bent on not doing steroids and being all natural, I was completely blind siding myself of the reality of the situation, EVERY PRO AT SOME POINT IN THEIR CAREER IS ON STEROIDS, and it’s not only in the body building world. We just get a bad rap sheet because we show off our bodies and say “hey look at me and my bad ass unnaturally amazing body.” To be a pro at anything takes more than just a wish and momentum. To get there you have to be willing to go the extra mile, to train the body to adapt and sacrifice the world to obtain the dream. I finally came to the realization of what that actually meant when I met my last coach and the word supers got thrown at me. In an act of desperation, I put in my order and didn’t even think twice. A week later I had 50 pills of Anavar in front of me and the beginning of a new chapter. For any of you that don’t know what Anavar or var is, it’s a pretty mild form of steroid. If any women, even in bikini class, decide to take the plunge, usually they will start with var because it has next to no side effects and can be easily mixed. After being on it for only a month, my weight was maintaining and so was my mood. Now not saying this doesn’t come with its issues (my appetite was insane, my sex drive was through the roof! and I did develop bad acne), I just dealt with the issues and continued lifting. My strength became better and I was able to power through workouts like never before. I finally understood what the hype was all about and I was only using the bare minimum. The bad part was that I was only listening to my coach and not researching the do’s and don’ts of being on steroids like I should have been. Towards the end of September, when things with my then coach were phasing out, I began dating a VERY knowledgable body builder who I thought was a mad scientist in his spare time. He threw me into the world deeper, making me become engulfed in the lingo and idea of “bigger is better”. He taught me so much about super supplements that I had no clue about. Injections and timing and stacks and cycles and anti estrogens and well basically anything I wanted to know, he answered. I began researching and became fascinated by the science of it all. But still, I didn’t divulge in more experimentation with drugs. I was afraid of the side effects, and could still picture the word cheater in lights behind me when I went on stage. Yes I was using an oral form but I thought because it was such a minimal amount, it wasnt a big deal (that is called rationalization). I had that stupid media segment in grained in my head from 10 years prior and even though I had become more knowledgeable on the subject, I still was hesitant due to potential side effects.

Anything to an extreme is bad. Good and bad things to any obscene amount is detrimental. Hell, drinking too much water can actually internally drown you and we are taught to drink as much as we can during the day. So when it comes to roid use, its the same policy. I have seen females who were absolutely beautiful, transform into hard jawed androids because of the amount of supers they had ingested. Whether to strong of a dosage or a specific element that probably a female shouldnt have taken, these women have changed in what seems like overnight  due to deciding to live in an EXTREME case. Jaw lines grow sharper, necks become wider, hair thickens, clits grow…yes clits do grow and majority of the time they don’t notice the side effects because they are constantly involved in only the bodybuilding environment. Different kinds of Testosterone, deca, whinny, primo, halo, anadrol, nolvadex, all gym candy that when used to an extreme can cause the symptoms that you so blatantly hear about in the mass media. But how are we supposed to know whats right? What dosages? What drugs for what purpose? How long? Who do we trust? Well you could ask a professional, but doing that only gave me dangerously low levels of HDL (good cholesterol) and a bad taste in my mouth for using anymore. (Thats what I get for trusting the wrong people and being ignorant to the lifestyle.) Luckily I’m armed with more intelligence on the subject matter and can make better decisions when I decide to take other things, closer to competing time. Not that I’m advocating you going up to the next body builder you meet and saying to him “You got them fire in them roids?” asking for a sale because he would probably pick you up and throw you after thinking you were asking him if he had a hemeroid issue. But being discrete and talking to trusted individuals is a good start. Dont do what I did, be impulsive and act upon desperation. Lesson learned and I was lucky enough to not dive face first into a huge cycle, or else the issues could have been worse. And don’t get it twisted. I’m not writing this telling you to use but I am doing this to inform you about the lifestyle and the good and bad parts. While I haven’t really indulged in much supplementation myself, I know plenty of people who have and I ask a lot of questions about the changes that they have experienced. I’m open-minded and just listen, mentally jotting down the pros and cons rather than being completely ignorant like I had been in the past. I got drawn into the media’s point of view and instead of researching it myself, gave them the right away, which cost me alot of missed time and opportunities.

In reality, the media takes a huge toll on our thinking, no matter what the subject matter is but it’s filtered in a certain direction. See for years, the term steroids has had a negative connotation attached to it. I was one who believed the bad hype. But the social media can also play a huge part in the enticement of “going to the dark side” even though they are bullying us into staying away from the drugs. Go onto your instagram and look at public figures like Joey Swole or Arnold Swartz, people who we see all over tv and ads, promoting healthy lifestyles and fitness. You really think they aren’t on anything? (he goes by SWOLE for Christ sakes) We are oinvertly pressured to be like these “gods of fitness” but the only way to do so is to take steroids. Even genetic athletic freaks can’t obtain the size that they have without being unnatural and don’t tell me that you don’t think “roid user” when you look at them. The media spotlights them in the good that they do, which is validated but when doing documentaries about the drugs, they wouldn’t dare to insert any of these good Samaritans because then it could shed a new light. I’ll let you marinate in that point for a bit.

Theres also the media’s outlandish and CRAZY push for weight loss pills that is completely contradictory to any bad slur about roid use. Here’s my point. Over the counter weight loss pills are dangerous. Have you ever read the bottles? The warnings are ridiculously scary but they are sold nationwide at most grocery and retail stores. Hell I could go and buy a chili cheese dog from 7-11 and to wash away the guilt, slurp down a Xenadrine on the side. They can cause heart attacks and seizures but still can be bought by anyone over 18, without even a doctors approval. Meanwhile, anabolic steroids are generally developed to help a determined medical issue that can’t be cured by an over the counter pill, So why is it illegal to buy steroids? If I want to lose 15 pounds quick I can hit up walmart and put a heart attack in my shopping cart but purchasing steroids can get me arrested??? While you try to gather a good answer to that question hear me out. I have a friend who developed massive amounts of scar tissue around her heart due to years of GOING TO AN EXTREME with weight loss pills. The constant over beating of her organ caused damaged tissue to develop around her heart and had to have a pace maker put in after have miny heart attacks in her mid thirties. So while she looked amazing, internally she was killing herself. Do you see my point? Yes, roids are dangerous and can cause irreversible damage but so can these diet pills. But you don’t hear that from the masses of media coverage.  You just see a beautiful model holding the bottle, while her white dress blows from some cheap ass fan behind the cameras, making you think you’ll become some bimbo goddess from the blubbery being you are now. Every enhancer has a risk, but if you do it properly and handle things correctly all, including steroids, can have its benefits.

Steroid “rage” gets much hype in the media as well, making us believe that the tiniest injection will cause people to morph into a Jekyll and Hyde situation but in reality it depends on the person’s personality to begin with. Of course injecting more testosterone into a male body will cause mood changes but unless there’s already an anger issue, any medical magazine has yet to prove a correlation. That’s right. None. The things we hear in the media are a biased view. Many of the studies found about “roid rage” have come back that the individual had heightened aggressive tendencies before even taking the drug, so the studies proved to be invalid. Plus, it comes down to the extreme circumstances point again…if the party is taking too much, of course emotional unrest is going to occur. You’re messing around too much with hormones! Side effects are going to happen because once again the body was being put through an extreme about of environmental change. ANY and I guarantee ANY clips that the news releases about the “terror of steroids” are due to the effect of over usage and you can’t base a validated opinion of something off a biased view. Thats ignorance…trust me I’ve been there on the subject. So before pointing the finger and yell “roid rage!” at the next body builder who curses coming off the squat rack, how about do some research about the subject. Ignorance isn’t bliss.

Risks are a given when we go for our dreams. I’ve realized this as I have become more serious about wanting to be an IFBB Pro. I’m aware of limitations but am willing to push myself beyond some comfort levels to obtain what I was meant to do. Does this make me any less of an athlete? No. Not at all. Workout with me sometime, and try to hand me that bull shit. Steroids, even as minimal as I have done, have brought hope to me again, allowing more than just gains physically. I rarely have a thought about relapsing into my disorder because of the strides Ive made and Im more confident in my looks. While I could have used more to be bigger on stage this upcoming season, I know that those risks were to much for me to take and that I’m happy with taking the long road that I did.

Im not advocating steroids. The reasoning behind this is to educate and stimulate. To open the mind and just give a hint, about the pros and cons and the temptation that we live in. I stand here with this blog, hoping to shed a positive and educational light. At the end of the day, I want to inspire people to make the right choices, which sometimes standing up for what you believe in is a risk.  And whatever you decide to do is on your terms. Ive come clean with mine.

Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe

Viewer discretion is advised: If you have no sense of humor, please don’t read this. This is not to offend anyone nor be a bully towards anyone in particular.

Drive to the gym, I’m rockin out on my way and drinking my pre-workout elixir. Get there grab my bag of tricks and head in there on a mission. I change into my battle gear and head out into the arena, where I meet the inconsiderate, sloth like, jaw jabbering, cut off tee rockin imbassils of the gym that totally take away the joy of getting my pump on and turn my excitement into what people would think of as roid rage. Welcome to a Jersey gym

This is Gym etiquette 101

Rerack the damn weights! (number one in my book)

For all who enter into the four walls of pain, let’s make one thing clear…just because you’re in lounge wear doesn’t give you the right to be a slob. Period. If that’s how you enjoy living your life, fine be a pig but I wont trip over your laziness and jeopardize my bodybuilding career because you decided to be half in the bucket after your 2 pump chump lift. Yes you dumbell pressed 100 pounds with poor form and with your bro man giving you a hella spot but that doesn’t mean you drop the weights next to you and walk away with your wobble like “Im to tired to pick this shit up again.” If you can’t rerack it don’t dare lift it in the first place. I lift enough during my sets, I don’t need to clean up after you on top of my workout. If you choose to leave the weights there I will for sure show you up or voice my aggression towards your incompetiencies, case in point. It was a leg day for me…hammies and glutes to be exact and there was this taller mid 40s man who, due to the circumference of his stomach vs his arms, could have been a bloated body builder about 20 years prior. Grunting and sweating, he was performing all types of leg exercises throughout the gym, leaving his sweat and various plates on the equipment behind…not thinking about reracking the weight. Considering I had almost the same workout as he did, machine wise, I gathered a roll of paper towels and disinfectant to clean up his mess and went on my mission. I had asked him nicely twice that if he was to lift that heavy, then it would be wonderful if he could take it back off…he scoffed and walked to the next piece of equipment. He never ONCE reracked his weight…whether using dumbells for lunges or plates for presses he left the weight where it was. So I decided to show his punk ass up. After exiting the smith press where he was squatting, I took him on. I said “excuse me can you spot me?” I got on the ground and I did 10 plates of vertical press….thats 450 pounds. I did my reps, got up (a little shaky not going to lie) and said with a smile. RERACK THE WEIGHTS I just lifted what you did….and I walked away. Bitch don’t kill my vibe.

　

The show off:

While I’m definitely proud of the work Ive put into the gym, there are individuals who seem to do more flaunting and flexing then working out. You’ll see them taking a multitude of selfies, sitting there on the bench that I could potential use to hashtage the shit out of their photos to get as many bubble gum teeny boppin young girls as they can to like their one direction emulating flexing photo. Fish lipped or booty angle poppin females showing their 10 pound squat off like hey this booty is #kkardashian status. Or the want to be body builders who suck in their bloat and say off season gains braaaahhh! time to eat!

Anywho. The mirror is a great tool to have when learning how to lift or watch form but when you’re in my way trying to find the right lighting for your photo…Im going to get aggravated. Not only do I have to dodge the gym celebrities I have to also shield my eyes from the half naked barbies walking into the gym like “heeeey look at my boobs”. Im not going to lie I’ll flex an ab muscle here or there when I come closer to competing. Shit with how many fat burners I’m on, I become a sweaty mess when im prepping for the stage so ill take clothing off but, you wont see me twisting my ponytail and sticking my spandex covered hard ass out with intentions to be the next #swolecouple in the gym . I get it, hormones are flying, sexual tension the air, tight clothes. Got it but please lets put your vajajay away and focus on the mission at hand. I would prefer you and the one direction want to be boyfriend to get out of my way. I’m not going to separate the two of you picture-taking #swolemates to reach the weight that I need…(wfhew end rant)

　

The manly man:

What on earth is that noise? Is that a llama giving birth to twins?! A humpback whale in heat?! An orangatang beating his chest, calling out for his mate?! Nope. It’s the strong man next to you trying not to shit himself squatting the weight his buddy dared him to do. Yup the grunter. WE ALL HAVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT GYM YOURE IN….even in planet fitness lol I’m not going to lie, I grunt. I’m guilty of this. Something about yelling out the agony that you’re in is comforting and helps me get through the rep but I also don’t sound like a dying heffer. I’ve seen some guys in the gym that legit are drooling while they yell out their frustrations, making me think that the weight they are lifting is causing them to go into anaphylactic shock, but I’m not a doctor. I’m not innocent to the release so the most I can say on this one is sorry to the rest of the cats who have to listen to it. Whether built for attention-getting or physical relief, we all deal with the grunters. Put on your headphones louder.

　

The know it all:

There isn’t enough time to go into all the stories I have about the “gym geniuses” that come up to me letting me know how to “really lift the weights” But there’s a particular instance that sticks out in my mind…lets take it back to this past fall. I had just joined wow in North Brunswick and didn’t know anyone in the gym. I went in one friday night and decided to bang out chest. I hit the bench, amped to get my pump on and kill my workout. I did a warm up set and out of the corner of my eye I see this narotic man passing up and down the gym, his swishy pants making the sound of a wind tunnel and his fanny pack (yes flippin fanny pack!!) bouncing up and around his area without a care in the world….2 strikes right off the bat.(ummm didnt that hurt his balls???) I shook my head wondering what kind of supplements he was on to get him that crazed and put more weight on the bar. I changed the music on my phone and began my reps. Then out of the freakin blue, mr. bouncing balls swishy pants man is right above me and trying to lift the FREAKIN BAR OUT OF MY HANDS!!!! Now pause on this image for a sec. Lets picture my face after the turrets imposed ball of swoosh decided to DANGEROUSLY grab the bar off of my lift…Picture it…picture it…yes I would have imagined me looking like a zombie trying to eat its prey as well. I must have come up with a mean look of son of a bitch on my face because the look of fear over came his intent to lift the bar and dropped it right as I was maneuvering my head out of the way. As I went to get in his face for endangering the money maker he replies, you were doing it wrong, you’re supposed to have the bar down by your throat…………………………….Pause again……………………………………………

Think about this for a sec. You don’t even need to be a lifter to realize how asinine that comment sounds to put 135 pounds by your juggular…but considering this man looked like he never did a leg day in his life, you can bet that he was just trying to show his macho ways in the empty gym…macho…rockin a fanny pack…right.

So I replied in the nicest of bitchiest ways possible…”bro, I squat more than you. don’t touch my weights.”

Case in point…I appreciate wise words but if I have a bigger chest then you (and lets face it, if you know me we aren’t talking about boob size) then I know how to lift….thx

Headphones policy:

You know those signs that you see when entering the locker rooms listing all the do’s and dont’s of the gym? It lists the various allowances and frowns that the facility demands of its members. Well one day im going to grab a sharpie and write:

If headphones are on, do not disturb!

I need my music. Yes im one of those. I listen to certain music on certain muscle days. I get in the zone. The beat, the vibe fuels me…so when multiple people are trying to disturb me and my workout, you can guess that this annoys me to no end. I love helping people with tips and proper lifting techniques but clearly if you see me in the middle of my set DO NOT DISTURB ME. I wear them for a reason. Wait until after I’m done and please make it short and sweet. I have limited time and not that Im being a bitch but this is my dream I am trying to accomplish not just a regular gym day. With my life being as hectic as it is, I can’t be bogged down and chit chatted to death, wasting precious minutes of pump. (I just sounded like a typical meathead) I was doing bicep curls last week and someone tapped me on the shoulder asking me if I had started my contest prep yet…while I was rockin out to limp bizkit. Not cool. I kept looking straight in the mirror and just smiled until I was finished. After, I nicely said that I was in the middle of my set and I try to concentrate rather than talk. He completely apologized which I accepted but come on people…this is common sense. Most people probably think I’m a bitch in the gym because I have a certain focused look on my face and Im always listening to my music, but I could care less. I treat the gym like a job…I’m serious about it. Ill be glad to help but when it looks like Im busy, I probably am.

　

Equipment hog:

We are all guilty of it at some point in the gym…being on our phones and texting. I get it. things happen. But don’t get it twisted…majority of the time if im on my phone in the gym is because im zoning out to my spotify. With that being said though there are those machine hogs that I could call zippy fingers who constantly are on their phones not using the equipment that they are resting their non zippy asses on. My gym is small. I prefer it like that. i know where everything is, the managers and staff know me, the hard core gym followers fist bump me… so when I ask a new comer politely to work in with them and they stare at me like “upid stay” and ignore me I tend to want to throw them…preferably away from the machine im trying to get on. Theres period of rest…done…ok…but jesus…pick your  weggie out, get off your phone, fix your hair and move onto the next set! Dont say that I can’t work in with you because you busy using it, when I see you snap chatting your boyfriend sending him puppy dog kisses and pictures of your crotch…if you think that just for comedic relief…its not…Ive seen it…its true!

Have you seen me people? Does it look like I play around? The veins in my neck are not because im getting leaner, it’s because I’m pacing back and forth in aggravation trying to rethink my workouts due to all the tweedle dee and tweedle dumb dumbs passing the time away poppin a squat on the preacher curl machine texting. My tactical maneuver now for the perpetrators who i know are on their devices ALL THE TIME is that I stand there…yup. I stand right above them. I ask nicely first, not being a bully but when they get on their phone after saying that I couldn’t work in with them, I make sure to be a bit obnoxious. If youre ever in this situation, try it. Trust me…they move.

Move bitch get out the way:

Gyms are crowded around this time of year. People are fighting for weights or benches, spin rooms are jammed and equipment is constantly being used which can cause chances of bumping into someone but that doesn’t mean for all manners to go out the door you came into.If I’m lifting and you don’t have the blind decency to walk around me or wait until I’m finished then your going to get hit because Im not stopping my lift so you can be lazy. This is a gym people, calories burned! Move! An example happened on Monday while I was doing glute raises and kickbacks. I go to the other side of the gym and grab a cable to link into. I start doing my sets and this middle-aged guy decides to use the pull up bar on the same cable station im using, preventing me from going into my next set. Did he ask if I was using the area that my attached leg was in line with?…nope! So courteous as I am, I let him do a set thinking that would be the only one…I was wrong. He proceeded to get in 5 more! Now there are 50 million pull up stations throughout a gym, he couldn’t have used another one ??(which was open only about 15 feet away) So I decided to just go about my set and if he was there I would kick him. If you don’t have the thought to ask, why am I going to have the thought not to kick you?? Then amongst the pull up pest, people just kept walking in the middle of the cable arena thinking I would have stopped to let them pass….WALK AROUND THE 5FT IT TAKES TO GO THE OTHER WAY and burn some extra calories. Dont expect me to stop my set and say “Of course you may pass. How did I ever become so rude?” Heaven forbid you don’t take the other way around. I love the lifters who aren’t courteous either. the guys who lift right next to the rack, blocking all traffic and potential to get a certain set of dumbells…yeah those guys who look like they set up camp with their gallon of water and bag pitched right next to the rack, ignoring the fact that even though it’s in the heavier section I still would like to get a pair of weights. Please don’t bicep curl next to the weight rack…it drives me insane when I politely wait for you to finish your set and even though you put the weight down, you still hang on the rack like it’s a martini bar. Grab the weight and bring it over to a bench and it that’s too much for you, then please refer back to my first category as in if you can’t lift it to put it back, you shouldnt be lifting it at all. Whether it’s the lifter or the gym grazer, let’s be conscious of other people and attempt to have some form of common sense.

　

Tainted Trainers:

I take my job as a trainer seriously. I joke around with clients and put a smile on their faces but I’m passionate about what I do and wouldn’t want to jeopardize their health by being careless…unlike many of the typical mass-produced corporate gym trainers of america. Go into ANY corporate gym and watch their “personal trainers” and see how they pay attention to their clients…oh thats right, they rarely do. I have seen trainers with a look of disgust on their faces, while eating during a session or even flirting with a show off at the gym, COMPLETELY disengaged from their PAYING client. unfortunately big gyms don’t pay well so they get the product that they pay into, crap…most of the time. Rare occasion you get a gem but its few and far in between. I have actually gone over to trainers when I was at la fitness and said to them, post session, that they should learn their form, and demonstrated the proper way to facilitate it. Not that I was being crass but because I wouldn’t want their client to get injured. While I may not financially benefit from it, I would never want someone to get hurt. I cant stand when trainers don’t take their time properly. I actually take it offensively that they have a pompous attitude towards someones health and wellness. While everyone has a style, dont use the same on every client then become jaded and bored because of the routines YOU set up. I just shake my head and move on. For most of them its a side gig that they use to help pay their Calvin Klein bill rather than use it as a passion…nothing wrong with that until they forget about the health of their paying clientelle. Then there’s an issue.

Women shouldnt lift heavy:

ONE OF MY FAVORITE TOPICS!!!!

I get this all the time…all the time. “Women shouldnt lift heavy.” “With your frame you should be toning” “Arent you afraid to look like a man?”

PEOPLE! If I wanted your opinion I would ask! The only reason these men are coming up to me and saying this is because I am benching what they can. I’ve always been a strong female, physically and now mentally so even before I was lifting heavy I received negative feedback from men…but please don’t come at me with the “bulk” bullshit.

I’m a nice person. Honestly. I enjoy CONSTRUCTIVE criticism because it allows me to improve BUT don’t come at me in a negative way and think you are going to get bubbly Tina in return. I love what I do in the house of pain. I love lifting heavy and intense. It’s an immeasurable pleasure for me. So when a stranger comes up to me in the gym and gives me negative feedback without an introduction, I’m automatically offended. It’s all about how you present yourself people! Lifting heavy builds thick muscle yes, but TESTOSTERONE injections make you look like a man. I doubt that my glorious ass I’ve obtain from squatting heavy makes me look like Arnold…mmmmhhhkkkk. I’m proud of my mass because Ive worked over a year to obtain it and you know what else came with more muscle, a stronger body and more curves. Riddle me that next time you bring over the b.s. about how Im going to turn into a man?! And while Im walking away from your negativity you can stare at my plump hard work and rethink the idea of my manliness…thank you.

　

Clothing isnt optional:

When did it become ok for women to ask me lifting questions while they have nothing on the top lifting them into place? When did it become acceptable to converse in only a thong and a hair tie?? Heres a secret about me, I get REALLY uncomfortable if I have to be half-naked in front of girls that are half-naked around me…there I said it. It skeeves me out. Please put on some clothing before you talk about how my squats have been paying off…I hate that. And for the men, I heard its worse! Older guys walking around with nothing but house slippers and bad jokes…raising their legs on benches to talk about war stories. BLAHK old balls yuck. All im saying is that one should change then talk to each other. call me whatever name you want to but Id prefer you name calling with clothing on…then I could at least say something back without having to turn around and see your tits.

While there are many other gym blunders we go through on the daily, I just went over my top ten. Let’s use some common sense next time you’re in the gym. Whether serious or just a grazer, the rules should apply to all parties.

Is there a way to post this in every gym in America??

　

The links in the chain

We are human. We have feelings. We self-doubt and we complain. We sometimes hurt our loved ones and neglect ourselves. We struggle with life’s disciplines. We give into temptation and embarrassing as it may be, we fall flat in our mistakes. But for most, the human need to get out of the situation that we have made becomes too much and we find ourselves needing help to dig out…Reaching to loved ones for that resolve. Apparently im lacking in some human qualities, because at times I feel impossible to get that close…

Let’s face it, to be in this business one NEEDS to have a good support system. This can be such an emotional rollercoaster caused from dieting, over training and sheer exhaustion. Competitors love having a cheering team. It helps us push harder and to continue on our journey. We post pictures on social media with pride, some for sheer attention but others because we take gratification in sticking to our dream. The enjoyment of having lifting buddies compliment you on your progress or ask to work in with you because of the “desire” you present when in the gym. We love having friends and loved ones in the audience who we get to show our hard work off to. And to hear that familiar voice screaming our number out makes a world of difference when we are out in the spotlight. To have people to celebrate victories with after or to help pick us up after a loss, is KEY in keeping the momentum going in our lives…whether we like to admit it or not, that push towards our ego is an important factor.

It’s easy to get lost in the business itself without having people to rely on. Its easy to get wrapped up in a quick gimmick and trust the wrong people. Hell women get approached immediately getting off stage to do an easy money photo shoot in a hotel room, where they skimp down to nearly nothing to make a quick dollar. Then these scumbags take the photos with intention for when this poor female makes it big, to sell them at a high dollar price, exposing the girl to the world for their wallets…which could jeopardize her future as a pro. There are people who offer you deals on “supers” who mix it and cut it down so you’re basically ingesting bullshit and endangering your health even more. Sponsors who will sign you and promise you the world, only to use you and throw you to the wolves after. Trusting in this sport is truly a job in itself…and I think you have to be an extremely mature person to handle that pressure. So to have people who you can turn to in advance can really be a great asset to have. It’s easy to give into the lights, but me being as cold as I am has actually gotten me away from those sly opportunities…why? I guess sometimes lack of trust gives a winning trophy too.

We all need support. whether we like to admit it or not, EVERYONE (including non competitors) needs a an ear to listen to their struggles, even me…The Titan. For years I’ve been the listener, the strong shoulder to lean on, the advisor, the positive reinforcement and while I’m great with giving advise, I horrible at asking for it. I’m not one to open up and share or even to admit issues that I have going on. I don’t seek an opinion or a kind word, even if that’s what I offer to others. My friends turn to me for an honest answer, a truth on a circumstance because they know I will always look out for the best for them. Problem here is that I don’t reach out for the same because the word support has been foreign in my world for such a long time. I just proceed through my daily routine and while difficult as some days may be, keeping busy keeps me on point. I tend to not dwell on my problems until the night-time, when the silence of the darkness creeps next to me in bed and the only thing I have to hold onto is my cold pillow. But the morning dawn eventually shows and the insanity of my schedule brings me to sanity again. If you were to ask some of the closest people to me they all would say one thing…”when Tina is ready to talk she will…otherwise don’t bug her about it.” Real talk. My best friend in the world, the girl who I would legit take a bullet for, Shelly, even with her I don’t tell everything to. And it has nothing to do with my inability to trust her. She is one of the most amazing, beautiful, honest and loving people I know but at times I have trouble even telling her about troubles in my life because of the wall I built, and that bothers me. She deserves better from me for all that she has done for me and realizing that has brought me to wanting to change my demeanor even more.

I’ve craved companionship in many ways for a long time. Companionship in any form of a relationship…friendship, family, partner…Support in aspects of my life that have been so vacant that I at times doubt I had the ability to be loved. I think loneliness on an intimate level in itself has been such a driving force in my training that I felt my strongest when I was in all honesty hurt by another human…let down per say. I’ve previously allowed too many people to come into my life, providing many an opportunity to be hurt. So what did I do? I completely went the opposite way, not allowing a soul to get close enough to bring me that same pain…and what did that do for me? Made my longing for belonging even stronger but causing me to alienate myself from most human contact. I made the weights my friends, because I felt like they were always there in a time of need. I did the EXACT same thing in my running career and it landed me with three knee surgeries and daily painful reminders of what alienation will do to the human body and spirit…only cause worse pain. I’ve driven many people out of my life because of the idiots who made me think everyone would be as malicious as they…and to this day I feel the effects of my mistakes.

Take it back to my first Figure show…what an experience. Being on stage, under the lights, shining like a diamond in the rough…It felt amazing to have my friends, clients and coach in the audience cheering me on but it felt equally as horrible knowing none of my family was there. Not until after I won did my father share his satisfaction…over an email that I didn’t even know about until recently, over a year later. My family doesn’t agree with my lifestyle at all. Only my gram has an open ear to my world and even at that she couldn’t come to a show due to her ailments. It’s so painful to know that Ill never hear their voices in the darkness while Im under the light and how I wont ever celebrate a win with them after the curtain closes. This dream means more to me then they will ever know, because of their abandonment through the process. While I know my father loves me, I know my interests in life will never please him…being a woman of physical strength isn’t something he takes pride in as a father…in fact he detests the way I look. I see the looks my family gives me, or hear the commentary they make and while painful at times, I know I just have to shut them out because if I were to try to make them happy, I would never succeed. My mother asked me the other day why I’ve been so distant from the family…my answer? Because I was sick of the disgust in their eyes or the constant misunderstanding of my dietary restrictions or the lecturing about my muscularity. Its taken a lot for me to walk away from my blood, but in all honesty I feel a disconnect because of the lack of connection in our interests. While my cousins seem to be more open-minded, the adults just constantly ask questions…with a sly connotation attached. We have been taught since we were young, if you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. I guess my “family” missed the memo.

Honestly not until recently, have I begun to truly let other people in and allow that human desire for “love” to be fulfilled. The reasoning why I’ve turned a new leaf? My followers. Now I’m not trying to sound stuffy or conceited but the honest truth is that I’ve met some absolutely amazing people as I’ve progressed in the bodybuilding world. While I’ve mentioned before about how shady the industry can be, it can to have its benefits. Between Zumba and bodybuilding, the connections I have made have become deeper friendships than I could have ever imagined. These people help to remind me on the daily to stay focused without even saying it in those words, just by their actions. I recently received a text from one of my students saying that every time she looks at me I inspire her more and that I’m very special to her and came into her life with a purpose. The amount of love that I have received from these amazing individuals gives me my strength and belief back in humans that I have doubted for so long.To have support…to have the unconditional support is what is driving me now, rather than the pain of being alone. I’m finally realizing the possibility of worthiness on a different, more connected level…and that is a shocking revelation. To be able to accomplish my dreams day by day and inspire any one individual makes my darkness a little brighter and my once lonely world more welcoming. I never would have thought that strangers could become more worthy in my life than my own blood relatives, or could have proven their reliability more than my own parents could. These people cheer me on, not asking for anything in return. Im also lucky to have met some people before I became so engulfed in the sport that still support me to this day. Realizing that has been crucial to me on so many levels and while some may have ulterior motives, Im noticing the signs earlier and cutting them out in a mature manner. Its amazing to me that I get to wake up to group messages in the morning from women who want nothing more than to see me smile and succeed in my dreams or to have such a great support team who spot my lifts and help pick my mood up on moments I feel down. Unconditional love has been such a sore topic for me for years due to some of the circumstances I have suffered from…many of them not a soul know about. But I can slowly feel myself becoming more emotionally available and this will not only make me a more rounded individual but a better role model for the future i hope to have.

While im a creature of habit and routine, I’m learning to take chances with people and its proving to be more beneficial than I could have ever imagined. See body building isn’t just a sport, It’s not just a means of getting attention. It’s a community. Yeah you hear the banter, the jokes, the grunts about how we live but in all actuality its making me whole again. Having stronger links in the chain of my life is proving to make me not only more fierce but a more efficient human being. I thought by being alone I would be better off but as I progress with my body, my heart can’t get left behind. From the messages I receive to the pats on the back to the smiles I can give to others or even the motivation I can offer to another soul, makes me happier and more sound in the thought of companionship. I’m growing, physically mentally and emotionally…learning from my mistakes and taking life as a gift more and more everyday. As hard as it is to break down my walls, its more rewarding to have the support system Ive been desiring…even if it isn’t of physical relation. Im a fighter but sometimes even the strongest of soldiers need to show some humanity to themselves…something Im learning in the journey to the top.

　

　

　

　

　

True Life: Im carb cycling

National Geographic has released this recent report:

Have you ever seen a fit individual foaming at the mouth? Breathing heavy? Eyes bloodshot? Walking slouched over, looking zombie like? . Be careful of these “said” individuals for they may display erratic and crazy behavior stemming from low dopamine levels causing large mood swings, low energy levels, sluggish behavior, veiny exterior, temper tantrums, biting off heads and occasional fire-breathing . They tend to travel in packs, so spotting these muscular creatures is an easy task. They also can be found in places that include: gyms, smoothy bars, tanning salons, Muscle Maker Grills, LULU Lemon stores, slaughter houses, Adidas outlets, GNC and anywhere selling caffeine.  It has been found that they speak often of food cravings but refuse to indulge due to their strict orders from their leaders. This select form of the human species may vary in age but when they come close to their “peacock” (time where they flaunt their feathers) stage, they may look extremely tan and their behavior can become quiet impossible. Due to the graphic results of their behavior on other “normal” human beings, the government advises to stay away at all costs or else you may have permanent emotional damage from their lack of restraint during times of stress. Arm yourselves with Donuts, cakes and other baked goods for they are found to dodge these items as if poisonous to their systems (no physical evidence proven yet due to not being able to have one in captivity). BEWARE!

While this is of course an exaggeration, it’s an extreme example of what happens to competitors during carb cycling and carb depleting. It’s a science that prepares a competitor for the stage, but its grueling at times on the mind and body. Carb cycling allows an athlete to maintain and even grow but lose fat. Basically, carbs turn into sugar in your body which helps with energy levels and allows you to be able to perform more efficiently (which is why when in bulking season, athletes typically ingest more carbs to grow and last during their workouts). During carb cycling, your body uses excess fat storage for its energy, allowing fat loss and leanness to occur. When they do finally get a break to enjoy carbs, the body quickly snatches them up to use for energy and to refill glycogen depletion in the muscle. Also with carb cycling, the body never gets acclimated to the diet so your metabolism can actually increase…so they say. Sounds like a wonderful idea right!? Who wouldn’t want to get leaner and maintain mass? Well the mental dedication to the diet is what is the tough part about this whole process. See, dopamine and serotonin levels (the brain’s “im happy” chemicals) are increased when sugar is taken into the body and when carbs are not ingested over time, these chemicals are slowly decreased in the brain. So, for example, picture yourself eating Thanksgiving dinner with your family. You’re surrounded by loved ones and copious amounts of carbs to fill those holiday bellies. First round is usually finger food like pretzels and crackers or pigs in a blanket, even little Quiche; all simple carbs that make your mind hum with delight. You go in for the second course, laden with potatoes and bread and it seems like all the world is a perfect place. Then comes dessert, which is a vast array of the devil’s pleasure. Pies, cakes, cookies, bakes that satisfy your pallet and are so delicious they seemingly could solve the world peace issue. Descriptive enough? Are you in the moment, dreaming about those taste sensations? Bingo! Those are all happy memories because your brain’s register of happy chemicals went up 10 fold while devouring them. That’s where the scientific repercussions come in from carb depleting. Most competitors battle with mood depression due to long spans of dieting. Lack of certain nutrients and chemicals, can cause people to fall into a slump, tripping some athletes into slip ups in their diet. Trust me on this, when I say it takes a strong person to be able to withstand this process.    

As for carb depletion, I’ll cover that in a later blog, when I’m actually going through it…closer to competition.

Last week, I hired a new coach to put me on track and to learn how to diet down for a physique show. One of the first things she wanted to do with me was start me on carb cycling to help me finish a lean bulk for the rest of my offseason. Due to not being on much drugs, I have acquired more fat during the offseason than some of my peers, so the process to get prepped for a show will be different for me. I’ve been on the diet for only a week and already I’ve noticed a difference in my behavior and energy. I have to admit, I’m a bit more snippy due to my energy levels tanking and more restrictions on my meal plan. Offseason is fun in some ways because you have more leniency in your diet choices but on season is enjoyable because of the excitement in seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m taking in more carbs on certain heavier workout days and on other lifting days I’m eating more fats, which while helping for prolonged endurance energy, spontaneous energy im lacking in already. Wonderful. Especially with my hectic world, this little hang up is something I have to get mentally ready for. Its been almost a year and a half since I competed last so getting back into that mindset is a bit harder than I thought. BUT there’s no way in hell I’m going to not follow what she says. I’ve had to adjust my diet a bit with her because of how long my days are, but we are working out the issues and I’ll adapt to it. No one says this is easy but its worth it.

I’ve never really even liked carbs that much…I enjoy fat better but when any human gets set into a new environment, change is difficult. It typically takes a human 2-3 weeks to adjust to any new environment, which can be a difficult process. Acclimation to a new circumstance and change can set anyone’s mood/temperament off, no matter what the change is. I’ve NEVER been good with change…ever…no matter what it was. I like a routine and lets face it life is not that easy. I would have the ground-hog day life everyday if I could, knowing what to expect and when to duck if need be. So even a new diet sets me off in weird ways. Once this thing goes into full swing though, things will really be different with me…my patience is next to none, I become a loner and I refuse to do anything that doesn’t involve either the gym or meal prep. I become so hyper focused that the world around me passes by at a quick glance and I’m oblivious to the “norm”. I set my mind on the task at hand and I’m lost to the pace of life around me. I just follow the actions everyday with repetition and don’t allow my mind to wander…if I did I don’t think I would be as dedicated as I am to this whole process. While very diligent in my mindset, I do get frustrated easily due to my lack of patience in some matters. I, like most women, want results immediately and when my body doesn’t show it, I get impatient…part of the reason why many don’t like to be around me while I’m dieting. Plus my sense of humor is EXTREMELY sarcastic on a regular, so combine that with carb cycling and anyone near me is either going to get an abdominal workout from laughing or they will be chastised by my commentary. I think I’m a pretty nice, calm, friendly, sometimes dry person but get me into dieting mode and I turn into that gremlin that they fed after midnight…with a casein protein shake. I think most competitors can relate to that behavior…or anyone dieting in general.

While tough, I’m excited to see what my body is going to do in the next 6 weeks of my off-season. Getting leaner but still putting on mass is going to be hard and draining but I’m looking forward to the challenge. I’m hoping the people around me are too…because they are going to be riding the wave of carb cycling with me. 😉

Romance in the rack

I have a secret. A bomb shell. I have to come clean.

While I have been seeing someone recently, I’m have been cheating on him…with SMIDT. We have had an on and off again relationship for going on 2 years and I can’t seem to leave. It started one day in the gym when I caught the glare of the lights bouncing off a steely exterior. I was drawn into the challenge and it’s been a battle ever since. When I approach, I get a tingly sensation over my entire body and I can’t help but be drawn in. I become engulfed in SMIDT’s power, needing to grab on and take the ride. I become hot and heavy after gripping the raw power of his bar and wrap my fingers around a hard exterior. We move in harmony, going fast to slow and slow to fast. I go down low and scream as I come back up, my hips trusting and legs shaking simultaneously. If I’m lucky enough, as I come closer to the top, I grown with the feeling of pure adrenaline. I sweat with focus in my eyes and I’m in rapture of the action at hand. Deeper and deeper I go. Then with the last movement, I’m exhausted but SMIDT is willing to go another round. The next day, I can barely move with the soreness I have. My body is throbbing from the pleasure and all I can think about is when I’ll be back in his grasp. I’m always being pushed to go harder and longer, never allowing me to stop. I’m always giving in and succumbing to the power of the challenge…but its making me stronger. I don’t know how to tell my man how much I enjoy SMIDT’s pleasure…But I have to come clean.

What?! Oh get your mind out of the gutter! It’s not like that! SMIDT is Squats Make It Damn Tighter, And trust me IM IN LOVE.

Squats are the ideal exercise. They allow strength gains in so many aspects of your training and depending on weight or foot placement, they can train a vast array on muscles. Personally I have an obsession with wide stance, deep squats. It has allowed me to make physical and mental gains that are by far more rewarding than any other exercise I perform. And let’s face it, who doesn’t want a better, tighter ass?! 

My obsession started after my 3rd knee surgery. It was my 1 week post op appointment and I had a great feeling things went well. As I waited in the stark white and sterile room in NYC presbyterian hospital, I was fidgeting with excitement. I kept looking down at my bandaged leg, battered but still there, and I smiled because of all the good things they had told me prior to the knife touching my skin. They had assured me that “this one would get me back to the athlete I was.” That “I would have a good chance of being able to run and perform majority of the intensity that I had prior with minor discomfort.”After almost an hour of waiting, the doctor came into the room, examined me, made various “hmmsss” and told me the truth of the situation. With a grim look, he took back the positive pre-surgery words and replaced them with the heart wrenching reality of the situation…That the previous surgeries were so botched that I would never be able to run again. On top of that, my mobility would be PERMINANTLY limited due to the damage…which meant lunging, kneeling and SQUATTING would be forbidden or it could possibly cause more damage. I would have a smaller range of motion and even with physical therapy, things would be AT BEST at 80%. of what he thought originally. He grabbed my shoulders and looked me in my tear filled eyes and apologized for getting my hopes up.He shook my dad’s hand and walked out, never looking back. It took everything for me to get up off the paper bench without the tears spilling over, but I was determined to not show weakness… not in that moment. Not in front of everyone. Weakness has never been a trait ive been good with accepting. 

Its been 2.5 years since that moment I was told no more…that I had my moment of weakness…since I almost gave up. But I didn’t, nor will I ever. I did the physical therapy for 10 weeks post that…dealing with the agony of them taking wrench straps and tieing me to a bench so they could break down the scar tissue in my leg…the most painful thing Ive ever had to experience in my life. But while they broke down the tissue, they couldn’t break me. I learned as much as I could from the people at Kessler and I did all of my homework. I refused to use the crutches and was hell bent on being able to do what they told me I couldn’t. And I’ve been proving it since. While at first I admit it was an act of rebellion, it became a positive mission after some of the inspirational feedback I received. I was surprised by the reaction of my peers and how they were cheering me on to be able to beat what seemed impossible. So four months after, I ran my last race…The rutgers half marathon with one of my closest friends, Betsy. I wanted to have that feeling one more time before putting my running career to rest. I wanted to be a motivation to people who were at their limits and who doubted their ability to preserver. I ran the entire race, not walking once. As soon as I saw the finish line about half mile out, I began my sprint, fueled on emotion and adrenaline. I hit an hour and 52 minutes, one of my better times, and the bittersweet feeling of knowing it was over flooded my heart. As the rain poured down, so did my tears and I’ll never forget that moment. To some, it sounds menial but for me that was a monumental memory and one that still drives me to keep going to this day.

So next came working on the exercises I was forbidden to do…which included squats. No matter on social media or through fitness professional, we all hear about females and how squatting makes that perfect heart shaped booty. Even though I was blessed with a curvy rear, I want to make sure I had a tight end. I began with body weight, using a stool as a bounce off point. Slowly, over time, I was able to move lower and work off of a regular chair; proving to myself that I could do it. But the fear of the injury prevented me from ever doing the exercise with weight…which held me back for over a year. Not until late 2012 did I begin to add weight and even that was minimal. The fear of injuring and the voice of the doctor in my ear, whispering words of a dreaded fate kept me at bay…Not until the summer of 2013 did I decide to change things. I was at WOW in East Brunswick one saturday afternoon and I decided to step into the rack. It was calling me, with this odd seductive allure and I couldn’t step away. I started off with just the bar…a whole 45 pounds. As I loaded onto the steel I told myself that it was just a fear…nothing more. Surprisingly enough I did it with minor discomfort…and from there its just history. In a period of 6 months, I set myself to performing squats, secretly, two to three times a week. Whether it was heavier or lighter, I let my body decide and just set my mind to the movement. I researched techniques and became mildly obsessed making sure my form was on point and my ass was tight. I bought all the necessary protective gear and made sure safety was above all my priority.

After half a year of diligently training, I hit a pr recently of squatting 255…safely. As I got off of the bar I couldn’t help but smile because I knew what I had achieved. Let’s face it, I’ve never been able to handle hearing “no” very well. While my life may seem like it’s filled with rules and limitations, I AM MAKING THEM WHICH IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THEN WHEN SOMEONE MAKES THEM FOR ME. Im rebellious at heart. I can’t stand the thought of not being able to do something just because someone said so and I am equally as firey when someone poses what would seem like a challenge. The thought of anyone but myself putting limitations on me is not only infuriating but impossible for me to ignore. God is the only person who I will ever obey in that sense, so a doctor doesn’t stand a chance against my stubbornness. I am more aware of my body than ever and while some days my physical being doesn’t like to cooperate, I have learned to take it easier and listen but not give up. Others ideas of the truth are never the final answer, it’s up to you to decide what to make of them. My example shows that with time and LEARNED PATIENCE (lord knows I’ve had to acquire that freakin skill) you can achieve anything.

Yeah Yeah I know…this was a semi sappy, emotional blog about my injury but this was not meant to be taken as a way for pity or to evoke sadness. See, life has a funny way of surprising us…with a good and bad punch line, but that doesn’t mean the joke is on you. Make your world how you want it to be…either a comedy or drama…its your choice.

SMIDT a thing of power, pure and utter power. Satisfying and completely mind-blowing. strengthening and adrenaline making. Have you had your moment yet?

The art of forming our own image

Every morning I wake up with my routine. I can’t function without order and a plan drawn out for almost everything that I do in life. I hit the snooze 3 times, shake the cob webs and leap out of bed, slipping into my boopies (slippers) and I head downstairs. I drink my amino energy, take some supplements and do fasted cardio. After 20-30 min, I get off my treadmill and make my protein shake. I take a seat at my kitchen table, sipping on my shake with ice on my knees as I plan out my day…writing down my “to do” lists and get a game plan together to conquer my crazy life. I then meander to the bathroom to get ready for my workday. But here’s where the important part comes in. EVERY MORNING I tell myself a positive thing about my appearance when I look in the mirror, stark naked staring at my reflection of hard work and pure stubbornness. I don’t allow one morning to pass without setting my hectic day off on a positive note about my physicalities. No matter what competitive season I’m in, I tell myself a specific part of my body that I’m proud of and remind myself of the hard work I’ve been putting in. Theres a method to my madness…read on.

This business…this obessesive world that I live in, can really take a toll on a healthy mind. It can make the baddest of athletes weak at the knees and the strongest of soldiers fall to pressure. It can warp the widest of minds into the narrowest of thinkers and if you’re not careful, it will bend you backwards and slit you open while you’re not looking. Scaring you? Well its the truth. If you have thought about taking competing seriously, then being aware of the real truth is an important tool to have and remember. The competition is fierce and while sweet to your face, many will do anything they can to stab you from behind to take the lead. The game is tough and if you’re not in a healthy place when entering, then the mind fuck it may cause could be eternal. I’ve seen athletes who couldn’t take the pressure and who got so wrapped up in their competition that they lost shows because they weren’t focusing on their own strengths, which could have WON them the title. They were so preoccupied with what the others were showing off, that they forgot about their own positive attributes. People become so obsessed with what the other is bringing to the table, that instead of telling themselves about their progress, they show it to the world…losing track of their focus just to intimidate their potential competitors. That’s where the negative vanity image of the industry comes from. The selfies, the gym bathroom pics…the “lets flex our ass muscles in booty shorts and show the world how low we can squat” videos, gives the business that horribly selfish image. It’s all an intimidation factor; trying to pose off to show down the girl who’s going to go head to head with you in a small ass bathing suit, glowing with fake tan and bedazzleness. But while all the instagram videos and facebook fish lips are going on, the real hunter is watching its prey; preparing for the kill in stealth mode…strategizing and planning its motive of attack. Waiting for months while its competition blares in the sunlight and it lurks in the shadows…thats where I come in.

I was once that girl who was CONSTANTLY looking at photos and videos of fellow physique girls. I’m EXTREMELY competitive by nature and I couldn’t resist the urge to see what I was up against. I would plan my workouts around what I thought they were better in, so that specific body part was tortured for weeks until I thought I was up to par. I would lose important sleep hours, scanning over stage photos or progress pics of females who I thought were my future enemies of war. I couldn’t focus on my own positive attributes because I was so caught up in theirs. It became a sickness and I didn’t notice it until my best friend Heba pointed it out to me, after I had went on a rant about a fellow physique girl. It shook me to my core that I had become so preoccupied by their intimidation tactics that I had become the prey. Ive always been the alpha female and instead I had become the weaker. How was I to set myself up for failure against females who could have been on way more supers then me or who could have been training for years longer? While still competitive, that conversation changed me and my mindset. It made me realize how serious this sport can suck you in and how wrapped up in negativity you can become. I have been to shows where athletes will BLATANTLY speak ill of other competitors, loud enough for them to hear to try to get into their heads…fill them with false images and make them question their hard work. Its like highschool with only meatheads and bootylicious bitches that will stuff your self-esteem into their gym lockers and give your mind a proverbial mental wedgy.

So I decided to be proactive and change my game plan. I wrote myself notes throughout my apt, reminding me to stay off the internet late at night. I set in stone a new morning routine to prepare my day on a brighter note. I planned my workouts around what I felt needed to be worked on for ME not because of what my competition was excelling in. And I ended my evening thanking God for the abilities he had provided me with that day. I began paying attention more to my nutrition and physical needs and not what everyone else was ingesting or accomplishing in the gym. I began complimenting myself more in general, whether physically or mentally and In doing all of this, the gains began. I was physically becoming bigger and my injuries had become less bothersome. I was waking up and looking forward to more and my stress level went down significantly. While I still peak sometimes at progress photos of others, I know that my playing field is different. I’m not making the same choices as them nor am I taking some of the risks they are. Our structures aren’t the same and our obstacles arent parallel. How could I have ever compared myself to another individual knowing in the back of my mind all of this? Easy…its the game that’s played.

Everyday, no matter if in this cold industry or not, people are influenced by the negative. Its easier to believe…oddly enough. You could hear 99 positive comments but hear one negative and it will stick out in the worst way. Stand in a room of models and watch how easy it is to put yourself down…if you don’t have the tools to work against the negativity you could easily be sucked in. I wake up in the morning with a motive, with a means to fight through the evil that may come. Im teaching myself that even if the competition has better shoulders or a nicer quad sweep, that I have my wonderful attributes that will stand out to the judges. While i may not win, I know my hard work is making progress to a better overall me and that the drive of me being pro will get me to my planned destiny. If it takes 5 months or 5 years, Ill get there. (hopefully its the 5 months timeline though)

Wake up every morning and point out a physicality that you’re proud of. Look in the mirror with a smile and relish in the love that you have for the greatest machine ever made.And with that small complement and a positive mind, the world is yours.

The masterpiece in the making

Body Building

To build the body. Seems simple enough. Work hard, eat right, sleep well…not as easy as it sounds though. It’s a science. A masterpiece in the making. An art form. You begin building, look at whats coming together…you spend countless hours shaping and crafting…Learning techniques and lessons along the way…building up just to break it down and show the world what came about of your signature piece. You walk out on stage to show the world your craft and for meer moments you feel like an exhibit with all eyes on the piece that you’ve sculpted. You can’t breath. You cant think. All you hear is the silence of the mind and for those mute moments on stage, your more alive than ever.

That’s the glamorous view of competing. The reality of it isn’t as pretty. You probably are extremely tired due to lack of food and extreme amounts of cardio. You can’t drink water due to that “bloated like a cow” look that will make your dried abs look like a 50-year-old beer gut. You cant pee because your glued into your suit and the protan will stain the toilet seat. Every female around you IS and WILL be constantly scanning you, making you wonder if you did enough squats to make your ass look better than theirs. You smell because you cant shower due to that god awful tanning spray that makes you have muscles you didn’t even know existed. You are waiting around countless hours after the show was supposed to start because they NEVER begin on the time, which makes you go stir crazy trying to plan your pump up time back stage. And while all of this would sound like a deterrent, there’s nothing like suffering a bit to have your name called last..as number one.

And of course that is just the on stage action that I’m referring to. That doesn’t include the months of hard work that lead up to the stage. There are days where you wake up saying “Who did I think I was in the gym yesterday?!!!” or that post leg day bliss when you attempt to take a pee only the realize you need to use the handicapped stall to be able to get the gallon of water out of your system. The agony of watching your clothes get tighter and tighter…playing the leap frog game to get into your pants or looking like a rabid animal trying to take off your shirt. haha. It’s a game of chess trying to figure out what body parts to pair on what day or how much cardio is too much to burn muscle. Your food bill becomes atrocious and don’t even get me started on the amounts of supplements you begin to obtain, making you wonder if you should buy toilet paper or protein powder with the extra change you scrapped from your car floor. Your joints kill from the heavier lifting and your muscles YELL to be fed from the amount of exertion you’re putting out…but your mind is screaming “fatty no more food!” You have to make sure your eating is timed perfectly even if your boss is giving you the evil eye for heating up your brussels sprouts in the office…making the whole room smell like a damn senior citizen cafeteria. But you keep pushing…not allowing the commentary about your oversized lunch box or your level of extreme soreness to get in the way of your progress. you just keep counting down the days to begin your cut, because then there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m about to live that god awful, torturous, exhausting and crazy life again as I will shortly begin the process of leaning down to compete in June. I’ve been in off-season for a year and 3 months and I’m VERY anxious to see what my hard work in the off-season has done. I decided to take a longer, healthier road to add muscle rather than ingest tons of drugs or get fat like many in the industry do. I could have taken the easier route by “using” many enhancers but it wasnt for me. I have taken some things to get an “edge” but I’ve seen my competition and the nasty side effects that have changed them, and decided it wasnt for me. I belive in moderation as being key for “extras”. I’m not knocking their decision but the consequences weren’t worth the shorten time of putting on the muscle. So I’ve kept things at a minimum and just trained/eaten right. Its my own personal choice and I stand by it. I may not ever be the biggest when I compete but I am determined to have that “it” factor.

Physique is truly an art form. It’s tightly conditioned yet graceful. It shows a balance between muscle and beauty that I fell in love with. Formerly a figure competitor, I wasn’t happy with all the high maintenance of it. It was like a muscle beauty pageant in my eyes. I love to watch and support my friends who do it but the tomboy in me didn’t fit into the category. I was at a show in the summer of 2012 when I witnessed a physique competitor on stage for the first time. It was the night show, where they perform their “flex dance” and I watched in awe as she strutted her hard body but carefree moves on stage. Even though I was set to compete in figure later that year, I fell in love with physique. It combined the best of both worlds, lifting and dance. They were substantial on stage yet light on their moves, which hell I could do any day. So after I won my show in October, 2012 I told my then coach that I was going to change directions with my goals and shoot for physique instead of going for my pro card in figure…that went over like a lead balloon. But we will get into all the coaching catastrophes that I’ve had in a later blog.

The world I know can be enveloping at times and selfish. It is a lifestyle, not a hobby, when you want to compete towards “pro status”. You give up many habits and isolate yourself from certain environments, not to be rude, but to keep focused and the eye on the prize. You put relationships aside (that’s also another blog topic), avoid certain outings with friends and even go a bit crazy at times making sure everything is in line for success. I’ve put myself here because It’s what I’m destined to do. The air I breath is filled with desire and the world I see is set in focus. While it may seem obsessed its like anything else a person sets their mind to. When in college, students are nuzzled in their studies; many avoiding social outings to achieve that “a”. Or when a person has their eyes set on a promotion, they become engulfed in their work…staying long hours and making all efforts to get that position. It’s the same prospect although many just see it as vain. IM DOING THIS BECAUSE I WAS TOLD I CAN’T, WOULDN’T AND WON’T BUT IM CHANGING THAT TO CAN, WOULD AND WILL. While a bit of fame may come, the athlete in me wants that “pro” status to prove that bad life circumstances aren’t the end of the world…to beat the odds fate has handed out and that you can achieve success at any point in life as long as you live and love what you do.

To be able to inspire and motivate my peers is something I strive to do on the daily, and if this blog can do so with just one person a day, then I’ve made a difference. The sport has help to heal me and show my strengths again…more then in just the weight that I lift. It’s a passion of mine that I hope I can uphold in a positive light, so others can see how amazing the change in your body and mind can be.

The journey to the stage in June is just a stepping stone for greater things to come. Bless this journey and the writing ahead