Coach Titan

Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives within each of us.

Wilma Rudolph

 

There’s nothing like waking up in the morning and having purpose to your day. For me, it doesn’t mean having an exact schedule planned out or knowing what pay I’ll bring home for 8 hours. It’s not a social event or meal prep to cook. It’s not a routine, nor is it a commonality that every sunrise awakens or every sunset settles with. A glimpse of my reality peeks into a world full of passion, yearning for more satisfaction yet humbled by blessings of hardship. I shake the cobwebs in the morning, ruffle my feathers and put on a smile because I know somewhere in my day, an athlete will call me coach.

 

I’ve always wanted to have a title to my name. When I turned my life around from the depths of the bottle and even deeper despair I vowed to myself that one day my name would hold purpose. It sounds dumb but not being able to finish school has been a real sore spot in my ego. I don’t want to sanction a title for publicity purposes but for the mere fact of uplifting my own morale. For someone to call me ___ Tina or Tina, ____ is the filler to the absence that my heart holds and the formality to my own self-worth. Titan, while strong a name, hasn’t been as successful to stuffing the void that plagued my soul. I wanted more authority, more substance, and more validity to my struggles over the years…some cause for celebration from the time the demons beckoned for me to fail but I chose to drive for success. I had beaten the odds in so many aspects of my life and while I had influenced many by my story and determination, I still felt slightly empty,

searching for the meaning to why God chose me to be the motivator.

 

I know why I am enamored by bodybuilding, in love with its hold on my heart. The sport saved me from myself so I am forever indebted by its force. I felt the need to pay its power back in a way, show the federation and other athletes how my passion for the world I reside in can help make your wildest dreams come true by sculpting you mentally and physically into the most powerful you. I wanted to take all the positive and negative experiences I shared with coaches and use the knowledge taught and lessons learned to my advantage. I just needed to know how I could return the blessing to my supporters, motivators and the npc…and I had no clue until someone asked me “Titan, do you coach?”

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks…duh T. What do you LOVE to do, help and motivate people; What do you thrive on, the responsibility of caring for people; What helps keep you on track and makes others drawn to you, the passion for the sport I compete in. So why not take on the challenge and up the ante by fixing the wrongs and perfecting the rights of being someone’s coach? Could I actually do this? Did I have the confidence to excel in what I loved as a hobby but to perform as a career? Then, it happened. I was asked to actually be someone’s coach, and without hesitation I said “I’d be honored.”

 

It’s a daunting yet invigorating task to take on someone else’s dreams. I’m holding potential in my grasp, shaping and creating a masterpiece from the experiences and lessons I’ve learned from the past few years of questions and trails. While I lack in formal school training, my desire to not only be a more rounded person but to also better other’s lives is pushing me to expand my knowledge and learn as much as I can through my athletes and what I read up on. It’s an intuition of sorts, like a gut feeling about what I should do with my clients more than just what I grasp through studying. I look at an athlete now with a honed in spectrum, glancing over every inch of visible skin, running figures and plays in my mind as a true coach would. I weighed out variables, timing, injuries, stress…odds and ends that as an athlete I’ve wanted answers to from my coaches that I never received. I wanted to reform those mishaps they made, the lack of

attention or the disregard for my busy lifestyle and make sure that my clients were paid attention to and given realistic expectations. I thought about the good and bad treatment I had received, the wavering support or the praise when I had only won…these were the issues I needed to rectify because if I was going to charge for my services, I had to cater to what my client was paying for and what I would expect from a coach. It’s a customer service initiative but more about showing how passionate I am for what I do and how I want to leave my mark with all that I do.

With having a full time job and demanding training schedule, it’s tough to balance it all. I find myself constantly writing check lists and timing my days out to the point of pee breaks just to make sure I have everything in order. I’m being held accountable for people’s futures, a venture I don’t take lightly so I have to make sure my life is on point so I can help manage my clients. And from the feedback I’ve received, I think im doing a pretty good job with all that Im juggling. I guess I don’t look at it like work, it’s more a labor of love. I enjoy watching my pupils morph into the results of their training or agonize over competition prep dieting; from off season gaining to pre contest posing, I’m experiencing it all and my clients are getting results. It’s a demanding job but there’s nothing more gratifying than seeing someone achieve their goals and being a part of it.The deeper into the sport I get, the more I want to give to

it and the less I anger against the lack of respect people give to it.

 

Let’s face it. Most coaches take on too much due to greed, spending less time on their clients’ needs and more time on thier luxuries but that all fades eventually. People see through the smoke and mirrors and when it comes crunch time, if as coaches we aren’t truly motivated by the demand of our clients or the desire to see them succeed, then what exactly is the point of being someone’s “shoulder for support’? Would I love to do this full time and not have my boring 9-5 to mope to daily…yes! I hope to get their someday, but I’m not in it for the money…even though yes it would be nice to know what a REAL vacation was or to not decide whether to buy toilet paper or milk thistle this week from the change scraped off of my truck floor. But in the end if I was just out there for the cash…like many “coaches” I have run into, then the truth would shine through eventually when my athletes began to ask “where has she been?” Trust me, I’ve been there…back

stage wondering where the person I paid big bucks to was on my big day…and while yes its a long day, I couldn’t picture myself NOT being along side the transformer I helped to build, even if I wasn’t getting paid. Who coach schools players in a sport all year long, trudges through the playoffs, then dips off come finals? Money isn’t everything. I think I know that more than most coming from the depths of living on the street. It’s an honor to get paid to do what I LOVE and I can only hope to excelexcels in it more so that I do it as my full time career, not my part time job.

 

My first athlete is 2 days away from her show…we have been together for a meer 6 weeks and due to her faith in me and listening to my instincts, the package we are bringing to the stage is pretty incredible.She didn’t even know me, but after hiring me for only posing and letting me give her a run down, she asked me to take over her prep. While I have clients currently in off season under my Mother Hen wing this was the first time I REALLY had to challenge myself and take all the skills from experience and put it all to work. I would look her over twice a week and whatever the whisper of reason told me to do, I did. For the first time, in a VERY long time I didn’t question my decisions. i didn’t second guess my thoughts, I just went for it and how she transformed makes me emotional to think about. Shocking right? ME?! The sure stone faced emotionless (unless happy) girl actually was awakened into more of a human, seeing my athlete blossom over the weeks

spent working hard towards her goals. Not to sound to mushy, but I feel more in love with what I do through being given the chance to do it all by myself. I didn’t ask others for advice nor did I wander from my beliefs. I took every inch of these few weeks and used it to her advantage, unwrapping a package well worthy for the stage.

 

It’s hard to put into words how I feel about the upcoming backstage experience. While I’ve prepped competitors countless times backstage, this time I am completely by myself making precise decisions based on that exact moments variables. The body is a tricky son of a bitch and dialing in women is even harder to puzzle together. I’m ready, though, for the moment that I lather her up, shove the correct choice of food down her parched throat and send her and a piece of me out into the lights for the world to see. Every time she poses, I see a little but more of myself in her, the sassiness of the stage coming out in her tired posture. I’ve groomed her for the challenge and she knows what I expect, but also how I want her to truly enjoy the moment…capture its essence… because for all the hours it took busting her ass to get there, savoring its beauty is one of the biggest rewards. Whatever happens placing wise on Saturday, I’m proud of her (even thought

Im pushing for a piece of hardware ). She, while difficult at times, was a gift from above for me…because God handed the opportunity to me when he decided I was ready to journey on its path.

 

In retrospect, while I’ve had some pretty horrible experience with coaches, ever hardship served it’s purpose of eventually getting me to the title of “coach”. I now know what to and not to do because of the lessons learned through my experiences but also due to how I conduct myself outside of the title. Being a motivator or inspiring someone to expand their horizons is something I thrive off of, that gives me the energy to push for more. By believing in myself more, I’m improving others lives in this process. Will I make mistakes, Yes. I have SO much to learn but have the drive and soul to undertake those teachings because I know it will not only better my career path but someone else’s life. Having my squad of Teeny Titans is an honor and with hope and time, the world is mine to help.

 

WE ARE THE TITANS

The Pressure to have Patience

There’s something about the smell of protan, sugar and pam cooking oil that make me feel at home…

“Titan!!! You’re here! T. How do I…Where should I…What will I…? Do I look fat?”

Yup Im home…

10/11/2014 Grand Prix Poughkeepsie NY

Walking into any bodybuilding show is like taking a breath of fresh air. There’s an odd positive tension amoungst us, palbable enough to cut with a knife, making you aware that not only are you around fellow athletes but around your extended family as well. No matter on or off stage, we share a certain commonality that can’t be disgarded even when we are competing against one another. We are all of the same savage blood, pining for a piece of hardware and a grounding to why we put ourselves through hell and back for a meer moment of glory. Our comradery is with eachother, engrained in our dna; like we were meant to meet one another eventually because we all share that drive to be better then the last time under the lights. We would give our shirt off of our backs for our fellow competitor, even if we are neck and neck for the win…why? Because we may be out for blood but the majority of us also share each other’s story about why we began competing in the first place. It’s a silent look we share and within that momentary exchange, a journey has been told.

Being in this envirorment is my comfort zone. I feel completely engulfed in its magic. Its as if I’ve clicked my heels and migrated home once again. The atmosphere, the excitement, the abundance of peanut butter! It’s a land of magic, where athletes turn into action figures by just injesting sugars at certain moments or having their coach adjust their tans slightly. It’s amazing to be part of the backstage experience and all it has to offer to someone who is learning the ropes of coaching and I couldnt have spent this show with any more amazing people.

I spent the day cheering on my Fit family, pumping and prepping them backstage. I watched in awe as their bodies changed in seconds with the proper thought and intake of certain foods. I helped to ease their worries and amp up their desires. Everyone of them had worked months for their our moment of destiny and no matter what team they represented, a piece of my heart was with everyone of them. Being in the their moment took me away from all the stress I was dealing with the past few weeks because seeing the excitement in their faces was a gift to me. I had the opportunity to see myfellow competitors take the stage after watching them transform over the brutal weeks of prep and to be in that setting just made me appreciate the sport even more for what it has done for me…save me from myself.

But as I drove to the diner to celebrate with my fit fam that night, a wave of anxiety passed over me. I wasn’t sure where it originated from but as we took the long drive to Fishkill my nerves boiled over. I looked in the rear view mirror at the outline of my swollen face, ridden with off season fullness and suddenly the reality of how much time left I have to make my neccesary gains hit me. With the traffic blaring their horns behind me, I hit the gas pedal with a bit more power then expected and bucked into the diner parking lot.

While most competitors count down the days until their “off season” begins, I tend to count down the days until my prep begins. With contest dieting comes regimend, it brings a certain timeline that a super structured person like myself needs. While its great to have flexibility in my workouts and eating habits, I crave the restrictions and militant mindset that prep brings. (I know you may proceed to pick your jaws up off the floor) Do I love being able to eat more peanut butter…yes! but I like the certainty of knowing I have a goal for what I’m eating too. With dieting comes a timeline, a count down, a ending product…with gaining season comes hopes and visions but no certainity for what your body will bring forth because its hidden under the by products of food. And while the injested nutrients give me the strength to lift the way I LOVE to heave the weights around, not having a light to focus on makes the joy of pressing heavy a bit less fulfilling. Leaning out we see the changes on the daily…we become more vascular, our endurance levels heighten, our bodies begin to lust for certain sugars and fats that make our minds a bit insane. To completely restrain yourself is earthing and calming to me even if it is demanding as well. That challenge, that pressure I pine for; It keeps me focused in times of strife, just knowing that I have x amount of time to flourish and make all my hard work culminate on stage. There’s NOTHING like looking at the countdown vs the fridge and being able to walk away from the hunger pains for the allowance of a win…It’s like gently unwraping the best present in the world, my hard work.

Every time I’m at a show my mind begins to reminisce of the days when deprivation was my only mindset. I begin to hunger for the days of eating cold tilapia in the gym parking lot at 6am and I thirst for the desert dryness that peak weak brings.  I look at everyone drenched in cooking spray and desire and miss the moments of anxiousness as they line up to sashay on stage. I look down at my stomach, full and fluffy and it’s hard to imagine what it looks like under that delicious layer of peanut butter pump. In these moments I feel like ripping out of my skin with the sheer anxiety of uncertainty. i hire a coach, surround myself with people of the same interest, injest all the knowledge I can about the world I love but even with all that preparation to succeed enveloping me, the lack of physically seeing a guideline drives me insane. I keep focused by seeing the weight I push become greater week by week, feeling my metabolism change as my lifting patterns differ or by noticing my clothing getting tighter and tighter (especially in the booty department…god damn carbs) The only formality I hold is that I know when I have to start dieting again…the only numbers I know exist are the days Im counting until the love for the grind of prep begins again. But the days in between give no foundation to lean on, no balance to the push, no grounding to the struggle. With my hyper focused personality, the need to know what is going to happen next is as gratfying as spooning next to a peanut butter feeding, naked Nate Diesel would be (yes picture wrapping yourself next to the  cookie monster ladies and tell me you wouldnt want that action)

It’s crazy to see where my metabolism has changed from over the past few years. Coming from a girl who couldnt gain weight for the life of me to now looking at a piece of rice and having my thighs explode just at the sight, has been a rough change to deal with. Im forced to eat 3 high calorie dense meals a week but due to my stomach issues and unrelaxed thought patterns, I usually end up eating just extra protein or skipping it all together. When Im around other body builders I can but alone, which I am majority of the time, I can’t bring myself to eating what is neccesary to grow. I know I know eat to grow..gains…yeah I get it but how can I not feel like a bloated t-rex (if you know me at all you would understand the t-rex comment) I went from the skinny runner with the over zealous metabolism to now feeling like the beastly whale who while can lift a ton, felt like her booty weighed the same amount. I enjoy being bigger, to a point. I revel in the feeling of being stronger and meaner than the year prior. I’m proud to be a strong and standout female, but the annoyance of clothing not fitting and the higher scale count is starting the get the best of me. Makes me question if Im doing things right and if Im putting on too much or not enough…

As I ate my alotted sweet potatoes and steak in front of my famished friends on Saturday, I couldn’t help but think about when I would feel the same physical starvation even though mentally I felt the hunger pains of doubt. As I prepped them for the stage, I doused them in the thoughts that provoked me when I was about to step on stage, encasing them in the confidence needed to rock their moment. I walked back upstairs to catch their 15 seconds of fame, smiling as they shined but feeling an emptiness inside of me. Even if there was a piece of me on stage with them, I would have killed to have all of me standing tall in the light next to them. The pressure to grow without having a marker to hold onto was even more real as I watched their lean bodies grace the judges. While I understood the meaning of growing season , without the physical resolution to look at, I remained confused and just seeing their countdowns over the past weeks made me even more at odds with the whole process. I have confidence in myself, in my work ethic and my diligence but without that clear cut focus like I have in prep, shit just seems never ending at this point.

It doesnt help when I hear the negative slander that females get about gaining weight. It’s amazing how many insecure people will attempt to pin point areas of “perceived weakness” in others to rack up their confidence levels. I’ve been called so many negative names since gaining my weight back and it only proves nonsense from their end, showing their lack of self control versus my ability to follow regimend even without a clear line of focus. When I’m around my element, fellow competitors or even my close support, they all understand the fluctuations in my body and that’s why I’m so at home around them. Even if there’s malicious comments from people within the industry which trust me their are some hell raisers in this sport), it only shows their lack of appreciation for the sport and the journey in it..and in turn my lack of respect for their hateful critique. While I can take and respond well to constructive criticism, hateful commentary isn’y warranted nor appreciated in an form. While I stand tall and fire back against it, it still stings my female ego when being called fat or unattractive just because I gained the weight necessary to lift for my body to grow.

When I came home from my weekend of parading around gyms with my most favorite of lifting family, I knew I had to put a plan in motion to keep my mind at ease from the pressure of having to remain patient with the unknown. With determination writhing through me in everything that I apply myself to, I knew that if I had a plan, I could remain focused under the unweilding nature of the off season, not wandering from the uncertainty from the physical look of my body. A perfectionist and over achiever at heart, I took to the drawing board and wrote out ideas to help me calm my nerves and allow me to make the changes neccesary to undertake the next few months of hard gains. My hand may have been crippled by feverish writing, but my soul was no longer handicapped by doubt, feeling like the focused athlete I know that I am. I had a different countdown to look forward to but not holding the negativity that the prior one held. This came with the notion of faith in the process just by writing out my plan instead of going with the flow of things..and if you have read my prior blogs you would understand how having a pinpoint to everything I put effort in is crucial for me. I rested my head that night witha wave of calmness and a breath of relief,and as I looked down at my stomach, lacking in the speed bumps it had during prep, I didn’t feel the negativity that had been familiar to me before. I had a new plan of attack and I knew no doubt would wavrer my focus now. While at times I tend to question myself while I curl up alone next to my pillows at night, I know now that my direction is different. I’m back to my Titan mindset…the one that got me the first place trophy after almost 20 months of dedication. It’s physically drawn out now and even though I dont know what I’ll look like as I sculpt the clay that’s morphing me into a bigger presence, the motion I have while I stroke the brush is more fluid and polished then before. The thought process is more gratifying then before and while I loved going to the gym before, my passion has shifted back to what it once was before, hardlined and immovable.

Pateince is a virtue and while some love the thought of a bit of relaxation during their off stage season, I yearn for the pressure to drive harder to the finish. This is a learning process and as I proceed in my third gaining season, I’ve noticed that not only have I grown physically but mentally I’ve made the most gains. I’m righting more wrongs, ironing out more than just weights and finding ways to enjoy the process more. I have THE BEST crew backing me and I know that they wont allow my hyper focused mentality to eat me like it has in the past. The support and love within the sport is stronger than ever and while the pressure to hold patience for my body is at times deathly, I know that I can push through it through planning and faith. The next time you confront an obstacle in your path to success, remember this: self-preservation is the best preventative measure to a successful life.