opportunity is not created equally

” We all have 24hrs in a day, no matter how rich or poor, no matter where you live, no matter what your circumstances. Make the most of yours.” -Time Magazine-

Time isn’t a figment of our imaginations. It is palpable & meaningful, threaded through every breath & move that we independently make. Besides taxes, the time that we spend on earth leading up to our demise is the only permanent thing we can substantiate our lives with that’s truthful. While we all can have 24 hrs to utilize to our advantage, how many of us  actually have the opportunity to capitalize upon them? Are those seconds to make the right decisions available to all that are gifted the moment of life or do the disadvantages of reality make the window of opportunity smaller. Let me explain…

Contradictory to the quote that I used, my belief is that access to success isn’t fairly placed. We all may have the chance at 1440 minutes to exploit to our advantage but those 60 seconds added up trying to obtain the hope of our dreams are spent differently depending on our god given circumstances or from consequences of our environments. Think about it for a moment… If we aren’t allotted the tools of success, how can the time spent fixing our problems be used efficiently?

Gary Vee, a man that I enjoy hearing preach the gospel of a kick ass attitude, recently put out a video about how one spends his time and how that coincides with having to pay your dues to achieve that 1% status. He broke down how people disperse their 24 hrs (or waste) along with the excuses some use when they try to justify why they haven’t accomplished their goals. He crassly enunciated the laziness of our society because we are all given the means of 24 hrs, so the playing field was even to him BUT how is the game to success an even one if circumstances for the players aren’t of the same league? How “doable” is it to set a goal of saving 20,000$ to start your own business in the next 2 years if someone has to work 2 jobs to pay bills, help care for loved ones, deal with a medical issue etc compared to another person who comes from money, has little responsibility, education was paid for and has no real life worries so the ability to save is higher than of the individual who has disadvantages. Here is a real life example for you: Today I was told a story about a 22 yr old boy who went to fire school. His grandfather is a wealthy gentleman and not only paid for all of his expenses during school but the child’s father was also the fire chief. Upon graduating, he chose to work at the same station as his father, granting him political preference. Out of 38 kids from his graduating class 3 were hired, including himself. So let’s reconvene and go over the concept of this again. Gary Vee states that we all have the same 24 hrs to achieve individual success right or obtain the 1% status but how does this concept completely apply to the other 45 people that weren’t chosen for hire due to not having political ties or the means to apply all of their 1440 minutes to their goal like this 22yr old did? Doesn’t really equal up to a fair equation does it?

There are many people that say timing is everything in relation to attaining a certain degree of success; that excuses aren’t warranted because we all can keep our eyes open for opportunity if we want it bad enough. Even if we were to only sleep 3 hours a day, eat 2 meals and alienate any form of social interaction, if you have real life distractions in your peripherals the line of focus becomes blurred. Yes I do believe if you keep a certain attitude of openness during your search for success, that not all of life can engulf your sense; Prime example was my past triumphs in my own company. I had taken advantage of being in recovery from my multiple leg surgeries by going to school and getting my training cert, minoring in business classes as well because I had a plan in mind. After, I worked a full time job and gained enough interest in my skill set through teaching zumba that when I found that prime time opportunity, I took it; opening my business and watching it grow. I had a TON on my plate being that I’ve been on my own for years, but I was thirsty for success and I made sure to utilize my time correctly so that none was wasted. I rarely slept, was sick often, rarely saw loved ones but I was making it happen even though exhaustion often tempted me. I watched many get handed their success for years and in reality the bitterness of my life drove my ambition but clouded my reasonings. The path I took transpired over years of time though, nothing was done overnight. I played the waiting game to get my accolades of success because I had no other choice given the reality of real life. Now, circling back Does timing play a part? Yes. Absolutely it does to accessing our inner most desires but that balance in fulfilling our passions with the demand of our needs isn’t easy at all. So again to say its fair to SEE the opportune moment, while doable, needs a certain individual to be able to accomplish this form of multi tasking. Someone’s chances of success in timing are lessened when the probability of failure is higher due to the demands of their world’s pressures.

I know, I know. You’re saying in your head how this sounds like an excuse but it has discernible evidence backing it. Your level of success, the journey to it, the longevity of it all can majorly be dictated in the opportunities you were given not in which you solely find for yourself. Yes you learn lessons in triumph, in persevering through the onerous duties that make or break us BUT it once again takes a certain person to not only balance the will to survive but to also be able to learn from lessons not being taught due to their faults. Some people are thrown down once, twice, 85 times … but to what point before the human drive dies with the exhaustion in our emotional capacities? Only one being knows that answer, for that power is beyond our doing.

I won’t lie to you. I’ve continually divulged the truth of my life to an audience in order to pay forward the lessons the I have learned, along with help myself become human from the inhumane lifestyle I have lived so far. I’ve grown bitter. Watching so many people blossom in their lives, while I still try to find stability in mine. I’ve gone straight past envy and traveled swiftly into jealousy. I grit my teeth and walk away now when I hear boasting about others prosperity and I was NEVER like that. Being that I am 30 with still nothing to show for it, I’m saddened. I don’t sit on my ass and expect things handed to me. I try diligently to improve on my faults, take risks to get ahead and play nice with others in efforts to make my life a better, less dramatic and more comfortable place but when I see mothers giving their children a home cooked meal or someone boasting about a house they purchased … I guess something dark boils within me. I’ve paid it forward for years, giving my heart when financials weren’t an option and still to this day I genuinely help others because I feel that’s what I was put on this planet to do. For 2 years now I have fought tooth and nail to get back to the once very gratifying success I had.. To say that I came from absolutely nothing to having mostly everything I’ve ever wanted due to my unbreakable, machine like will was what I worked hard for and because I was an idiot in love, I lost EVERYTHING. LEGIT EVERYTHING from a man I allowed to brainwash me. So for 2 years now I have busted my hump trying to regain some of my success in what not only made me happy but also what made me money. People have come and gone. Ideas have came and went. And after moving my life to Florida, the opportunities I thought I was going to have were merely thoughts in the wind yet I still won’t ever use people to get ahead… it’s not in me… I just can’t.

I CRAVE success. More than I hunger for peanut butter and that says something but between trying to find a stable place to live, searching for a job that pays, getting out of a tumultuous relationship and get back on my feet… my 24 hrs are being utilized differently. The yearn I have to be able to sleep in my own bed or breath a sigh of relief at night in a home I have provided would have pushed me in the past, but suffering from exhaustion is taking its toll. I have always bounced back very quickly but this one has kicked my ass hard.

So what do you think? what would you do if you were me? How would you channel your inner titan to once again beat the odds stacked against you? Or would you be complacent and just live everyday one at a time? Easy to SAY what you would do, but read back in my former blogs under my struggles and then make a better judgement call. I’m torn and that is foreign to me because I have always wanted to beat the odds but after seeing how opportunity is comprised of gifts more often then not… I’m on the fence.

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I’ve never left an entry so open ended before…When will time be free for me?

The permanency in change

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
― Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein

The subject of change is a funny one. We strive to change the world but are uneasy about modifying ourselves. We want other people to conform yet we individually resist adaptation. We preach revolutions to the world but have trepidation about going to war within ourselves. So why is it that the human race is so eager to exhort the idea of change yet when life makes us use plan B, C, D and so on people tend to freak the fuck out?  Statistics have shown that humans resist quick changes but feel it ok to permit longevity in change, being documented that our species will bypass leaving unhealthy relationships, taking risks at new careers, diving into ourselves to develop our characters all in fear of our comfortable norm. Let’s face it, we like being complacent and hearty in our symphatic states and when life forces us to change ourselves or our contented environments, most of the population has a tough time handling it…MOST.

My life would not be categorized in the most group.

Throughout my life, one thing has remained perpetual amongst the craziness…change. I have weathered quite a number of storms, navigating the tempestuous waves of vicissitude without hesitation and going full force into the following area of unknown. There has always been this ability to feel more comfortable with the idea of having to get up and leave or switch my situation at a moments notice than if I had to stay somewhere or with someone for too long. Getting attached is frightening to me, no matter if it is to an inanimate object or to a warm blooded soul, the thought of investing emotions into a permanent structure is very foreign in comparison to how my life has unfolded. It’s not that I am disloyal to my loved ones but that I find it difficult to grow close with people so the simple fear of attachment paralyzes me. Most people value set in stone situations and forever relationships but the mere thought of marriage, buying a house or even having traditions puts me into a stage of panic. For a person who has moved just under 30 times in 13 years, it’s safe to say About the only things I view as having any solidity in my life’s path thus far is my ability to push through any obstacle standing in my way.

I conditioned myself for years to void out emotional connections and condition my mindset of a legit warrior. While it played out well in many circumstances, allowing me the ability to separate emotions from reality, it also dampened my range of self entitlement to love and grace in empathy. I have grown so hardened from actions that I have disregarded my own sympathy as well as found it hard to give others the excuses that sometimes life needs to render…which has become my Achilles heal.

June 2018 comes and that ability to resist change has been altered, dramatically. My life seemed to literally collapse and there was nothing that I could have done to prevent one of the most devastating times I have been through.

Job scam, robbery, long term relationship break up, no health care, loss of home, had to give away dog… one event after the next in a very short term period finally broke free the encasement I had put my emotions under. While I was used to not getting used to things, I had finally given much hope (without realizing it) to an actual real life, one that didnt involve the chains of peril or misfortune. There was a future. I had a promise for a career, money in my bank account, insurance, a roof over my head, a man who cared about my well being…so many things I had asked god for and then, change occurred. Now normally it would have been ” OK shit happens. Pick up your big girl pants and get through it. ” I would cry no tears or even give a single whim of thought to regret but since I had this hope, this perception, this all inviting attitude to what my life was transpiring to be… the dramatic turn of events devastated me to my core and stripped me of the one thing I have been proud of most, my strength to persevere.

Fast forward to now, August 7th and I don’t know if many people would recognize me now. Haggard by lack of sleep being on couches, traumatized by another disillusioned dream, bewildered by the thought of all that transpired…I’m less titan and more human than ever. The girl who could once easily resist the temptation of negativity was now consumed by utter failure, to the point that my nightmares of stagnancy in my goals had become my reality. I’ve been known for years as that girl…that fighter… that non stop powerhouse that just always had shitty luck. It wasn’t me story telling to get pity but literally just vocalizing my real life struggles to motivate others that got me to the titan name but now with the truth of my current status transcribed in what seemed like stone, my once fortressed heart had been plundered by unfortunate circumstances. My once eager to thrive attitude now consumed with grief, for the first time ever I debated the right to live as the words my mother spoke to me replayed in my head “you are a burden to the world”

Even as I type this, the words pouring from my finger tips feel alien like. I have spoken in the past with such motivating eloquence that transcribing talk of negativity is unfamiliar to me. I accepted being put on this earth to help others through my struggle but I never thought that after years of changing and evolving through my experience, I’d be back where I started, homeless and scared. But as I take a big breath and sigh with sorrow, I realize that I can blame myself to a certain degree; I fell for the job scam because I was blinded with hope. I ended my relationship because I allowed things to snowball out of control. I built a life in my head without actually starting it first; so I too played a roll in the demise of my expectations.

From all of this I am learning that being too hard can actually break you even more. I placed this connotation in my mind that resiliency meant being devoid of emotional attachment to anything, when in actuality it’s the opposite. If I were to have allowed feelings of loss, remorse, defeat then I could have grown to leave vacancy for moments of devastation in where I’ve learned how to cope besides for avoiding the situation at hand. Funny isn’t it? How I’ve been through so many horrid circumstances yet the way I thought to cope with them was actually preventing me from countering them in the future.

I luckily have a great support system even though I have become somewhat of a loaner. I put on a smile, to show what I am known for, but I have disconnect from many. Nothing done from their part to deserve it but I find I prefer to be alone more often than not due to it being easier not to be vulnerable through trust. I have a roof over my head due to a good friend and her family along with being given a job just days after my life shattered, which I’m both very grateful for. I just am in such a state of shock and pain that being around others while hearing about their fortunes is eating at my soul…and I have never been petty like that. I wish others nothing but fortune, health and love but lately I wake up everyday in such a state of dismay that I would rather alienate myself then fester in negativity derived from others prosperity.

I often write to motivate the masses, whether it be through words of wisdom, stories of triumph, engagements of learning… but today I solely type to tell a story of confession. Hopefully in some way it encourages others to learn from my mistakes and tales of misfortune, to lend a hand in feeling grateful to have simple things like food, a roof over your head, a healthy body, a loving family, a way to provide for yourself and a good attitude. This sudden changed pained my heart and still has to the point that I’ve been in a daze, fighting to sleep but contending to stay awake in a world void of meaning at the moment. I try to make everyday a one with spirit but right now I need to find mine again.

The word #holdstrong has never had so much force before in my life. I just need to remember it and fortify it when I feel weak. I’m taking one day at a time and I’m hoping life will throw me a bone so I can gain my faith in humanity and the man above once again.