The road less traveled

Take a look at how you got to where you are in life. What have you accomplished and how have you managed to do so? What has been a failure and how have you handled getting through it to obtain a victory? What did you see as a struggle in the moment only to find out in the future that it was a monumental achievement? How many times have you come close to the breaking point but to later determine it to be pivotal for your development? What have you gifted to others due to your lessons and what have you received from theirs? How far are you willing to break your boundaries to start your ascent to the top?

This is a long entry but follow along because there is a valiant point for the reader to be a part of.

The unbeaten path seems to be an avenue my life has wandered on. Thus far, the way god has laid out the road map of my viability, one would imagine that the rocky ridges I have traveled on would have broken me. And while bits of me have been chipped away due to the treacherous thruway I’ve ventured on, I am not yet broken… No let me rephrase that I am not broken… Yet would assume I will one day… and even though lately I have felt shattered, luckily I am still here writing about my existence.

In my more recent entries, you have seen a pretty damaged girl revealing herself. After moving my entire life to Florida in hopes of a fresh start but only to find out that my world had once again collided with unfortunate circumstances, I was emotionally crushed to my absolute core. I was exactly where I was when I left jersey… working multiple jobs, sleeping on a friend’s couch, medical condition acting up and ending a fragmented relationship. It was as if I had stepped into the twilight zone and was living in an episode of deja vu. The successful ambitions I envisioned day in and out had turned into the nightmare to which I had done so much to dream away. I stopped going to church, alienated myself from anyone I had close to me, became extremely short with people and I was fvckin bitter. I mean scathing with sourness towards anyone who was excelling in career, body building or even people who were gifted with opportunities. To be so blatantly rebellious towards anyone on an upward path was so far from my core values that I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I’ve never been a rancorous woman towards others who excel in their lives, whether it be in their passions or pursuance of goals. I always encouraged people around me to be positive and fixated on success because that’s what I think the world needs more of, personal growth from encouragement of exterior sources. But now, all the sudden, the girl with the pearly white smile wanted to backhand anyone who spoke about competing around her? Feels obligated to lash out on an innocent bi-standard for congratulating themselves on a job well done? Desired to tell people to shut the fvck up when they were excited about venturing into a new unknown in their lives? Who on earth was this bitch and where did Titan go?

Well she allowed herself to be a victim to her own circumstances. She was the woman she licensed her situations to control her attitude. Rightfully so, considering she kept getting hammered with unfortunate incident after incident but why was it that this one broke her? What made this event so much more devastating and harder to bounce back from?

Truthfully it was the promise in it. I guess I had such high expectations for myself with moving to Florida that when I lost everything for the second time in my life, I felt foolish with regret. I didn’t used to dwell on my decisions. I was the “well it happened now let’s work through it” type of girl. But as I go through the motions of my life now and being back where I started, there’s a pain that I feel every morning. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful for my friend’s family allowing me to stay in their home, but it physically hurts to pry myself off of a coach instead of waking up under a roof that I provide for myself. So many people aren’t grateful for opening their eyes after sleeping on an actual bed when I crave so much to be stretching out on a mattress after I successful night’s rest. To have an actual bed…To feel safe and secure, not worrying if I’ll awaken to not having a place to lay my head at night, especially when I am not a menace to society and I am always working.  Not only do I have to deal with the reality of not being able to live an enjoyable existence but for a person who does right by god, I should have a safe sanctuary of my own to reside in. Like I said, I’m very lucky to have what I do right now but I just wish with all of my heart that I had my own with how hard I try being rewarded with that one simple desire.

I’m at a place now, after months of depressed feelings, where I am starting to dig myself out. We all have been here, the degree different for everyone, but this is the first time I have to climb out from such a deep place. With it being over a year now since being kicked out from the short time of living with my “mother” due to my illness being too much of a burden for her plentiful social life, I had pictured being in a better place by now. That wound will take a long time to heal but now I realize that I need to hurt to grow and be a more rounded individual. We all have contrasting backgrounds but we similarly have the decision making to decide how and what we do from the situations that we are handed. While I have stumbled over myself over the past few months, I am still pursuant in my aspirations to better my life because I am the only one who can make that happen. I don’t have a silver spoon to feed off of nor a means to fall back upon if needed. I have supportive friends but at the end of the day, I need to rely on the one thing that has propelled me through some obnoxiously hard times… my pure perpetual yearning for freedom from the chains I was born to.

Waking up under the terms I live in does have its benefits too… It keeps me driven on days I want to throw in the towel and quit. When you’re left with nothing, you have everything to fight for. Being backed up against a figurative wall has allowed me the privilege of seeing things humbly, in a perspective that many never have the ability to see and those you have, I tend to gravitate more to. For years I’ve been the motivator, singing praises to others on how to rise up amongst the scuffles that we battle against and somewhere amidst the travesties, I lost that song tune. I’m taking everyday one day at a time and realizing that it is ok to be aware of my feelings instead of hiding from them. I am constantly reminded that to have more I must work more and if you are a person of faith… you are aware of the divinity in that statement.

While I have much to learn still, I have an equal amount that I can teach. Instilling in others the value in gratitude of life’s restraint brings part of me back from the dead. I resurrect bits of the old me every time I am given the ability to help someone else through their own hell. It slowly fills the holes that have been driven in my soul and breathes life into the suffocated dreams I once coveted to obtain. With that being said, I want you to take the same amount of time that you took to read this, and utilize it preciously towards reinventing a negative thought you have possessed recently. Think about the way you are handling said obstacle and in toe, how you can instill a different result by changing your behaviors within said process. While effort takes work, what do you honestly have to lose when instilling positivity into a previously negative environment? A bit of time or energy? Sure, in the short term it takes extra elbow grease to figure out a more productive and affirmative solution BUT the lesson from said effort is what is key here. I kept losing sight of my exercise in success due to the battles I’ve been facing daily. Getting lost within the work is easy when what surrounds you is counter productive to your goals. It’s god’s way of pushing us to want it even more. (even if you don’t believe in god, IDGAF because this is my belief… pray to a chair for all I care) Then the deeper aspect to this is, well how on earth do I not lose the focus under the pressure that is my day to day? Well that is a personal decision but what I can recommend is the permission to allow yourself to lose sight… yes hear me out. I became bitter from years of grind; in not allowing myself the freedom to express my emotions nor did I let my soul feel flexibility in them. I was a machine that programmed myself to unprogram my mind into believing there was no such thing as sorrow or despondency. To this day, I still have such a hard time crying due to my resiliency and while it has gotten me through some difficult moments, it’s also made me less adaptable to a stable lifestyle. There needs to be balance in your journey and by giving yourself the latitude in wandering on your path, it may help you find other avenues that weren’t available when you were so fixated.

Not everyone has had to overcome what I have had to in life or many other survivors. Some are granted the ability to live a life stress free from some of the world’s horror. While to them there is no way to relate to some of my stories, there is a way you can empathize with me and many more; be open and willing to learn to help others. I don’t try to target one group of people with my scriptures but more let my lessons sink in with everyone. If someone is willing to listen and be astute to how the rest of the world is operating outside of their own surroundings, then that openness can be used to help the ones less fortunate. See, if we all are able to ground ourselves and humble our egos for a moment, then the silence in our thoughts could speak volumes to growing our character. It takes one effort of modesty to start a behavior that could benefit the world. No matter where you begin from, the story can be told with heart and have an ending you depict.

So what are my plans? Keep grinding even if it’s with a heavy heart. I have applied for a federal corrections officer position that I really want and I am praying with conviction that I get it. I feel as if it is the perfect fit for me and if anything possibly the reason I am here in Florida. It is a job description that not only fits my bill but one I could make a living on to pay my bills. It’s an opportunity that I didn’t see and when I was presented with it, I found out how much I truly want it. I have tried so many times to better my life in a multitude of ways and while I have seemingly failed on paper, in reality I’m just building up my stamina. (that’s what I’m telling myself anyway lol)

What I have found is that by allowing myself humility, I’ve gained confidence. By seeing  suffering, I’ve witnessed more gratitude. By permitting myself emotions, I’m not denying myself a lifetime of loneliness. You too can contrive the notion of gratitude in circumstances, no matter where you come from but it all starts with one thought… thanks for all the beauty in your life.