the Vulnerability in Growth

Growth… a term that categorizes a time in our lives where we are in transition. It defines a manifesting mindset, a physical sense of empowerment, an emotional development or even a spiritual uprising in which we become transients traveling through a blossoming stage that we decide upon. But to do so and really be enlightened to the process, we need to open places in our souls that were hidden from our once stagnant mindset before we decide to move on. Forced to perspire the concealed fears, we must open the pores of blocked emotions so the blood, sweat and tears of our hard work can prevail. How can you progress if the walls we built from forced strength are blocking the passage to revelation? Think for a moment… are those walls we built keeping out the demons or are they giving them the ability to stay inside?

For YEARS I’ve carried the connotation that the way to get through life was through tunnel vision. “Don’t allow emotion to get in the way of what needs to get done…it will only slow you down T. You’re the Titan… Titans don’t trip…they muster on in spite of the difficulties life may bring. They don’t falter and neither will you. Forget tears, ignore fear, dismiss the desire to invest in emotions… do you boo. DO YOU” And with that I became a machine and the name I was hyped up to uphold. I truly believed that to get through any hardship in life, it was to negate any emotional connection and move on without feeling the effects of going through an uncomfortable state. I would rummage through a bit of could have, should have, would have but didn’t acquiesce the pain that regret or remorse allowed one to have. I built walls around my heart to not only protect myself but in a way keep me standing because I concluded that falling was failure and in turn I hurt some of the closest people to me due to my inability to connect emotionally with them. During the most successful time in my life, where business, body building and money prospered, I neglected the profits in growing my humility from being distracted by the riches I never had. Over years of doing this, the absence of empathy gave nourishment to only one thing… denial of my needs. I provided growth in every aspect as I promised myself I would when I was homeless but I shrank in my cognizance to the human obligation to feel. So while my life seemed to be going forward, it was only being propelled upon motivation from succeeding in what I wanted, not from being directed in the things that I actually needed.

It’s going on 4 years since God decided to begin to test me…Days upon days of hardship chiseling away the barricade I had put up to keep my kingdom protected. Then June 2018 blasts through the stockade of strength and the infantry of vulnerability begins to invade my once impenetrable dominion. With the pressure closing in on me, my once indomitable titan mindset felt choked with fear of the unknown and the reality of being susceptible to my own emotions came forcefully through. With numbness running through me, I tilted my crown to the perceived invader but when I lifted my head in dire prayer, the intruder proved only to be God riding in on a white knight of realization.

Someone recently had the intentions of hurting me and actually did so, knowing I was in a vulnerable state. I mean stabbed my heart with actions so impressively homicidal in design that the shock delivered was enough for him to be convicted of emotional manslaughter. Tricked and deceived due to my depressed mindset, I allowed someone to control the one thing I ALWAYS had discipline over, my heart, which in turn granted him growth in his ego and the satisfaction in having domination over my vulnerability. Doing good to only use against me or cover his wrong doings, I would forgive myself then feel regret for things I didn’t even do, giving me even more confusion to what REALLY was happening. (I know we all have been here) I had been in such a despondent state, that my failure came not from feeling sad (which I thought was the truth in the past) but in neglecting what a real Titan should do, stand up and stand strong in times of fear. I was clouded with disappointment and exhaustion but meanwhile I was also involved in a ravenous storm created by entrusting in someone who lacked the ability to take responsibility in actions to which he placed blame on me due to his lack of self awareness. I felt like I needed him in my state of turmoil and he saw that opportunity to take advantage upon to gain confidence from his perceived state. There I was giving someone who I once trusted the opportunity to emulate their own unscrupulous ways onto me and because of the bad mental state I was in, I fell victim to the ploy. I was unaware to all that was transpiring due to him building me up then tearing me down until an action of his created the eye of the storm to give me clear sight and from there the growth began. The physical pain I felt when the reality of what he did and has been doing for quiet a long time hit, I finally realized my part in this and from there I could do nothing but grow upon. I finally had made the connection that for years I yielded myself from; bridging the gap between vulnerability and physically allowing myself the ability to be responsive to emotional discomfort. From this, while I am still deeply hurt by the malicious and calculated behavior, I know where I played my part in this with my depression and how I now need to feel to heal from this “are you fucking kidding me?” event,

When we are backed into a corner… when we feel as if we are holding on by a single thread… when we are forced to scream in pain… then we grow. I kept thinking to myself…this is rock bottom…no wait now this is…oh fuck something else went wrong so shit can’t get worse than this… and it was this ongoing cycle of denial in where I was designed to go. I thought maybe my mother abandoning would break me? Possibly it would be getting sick would halt me? Maybe losing everything to the job scam was the point of no return? No, it was something I could have never predicted that permitted me to feel. Hear me out. We can’t predict how or when manifestation of our lives will occur but when the opportunity presents itself, being vulnerable to the process is what makes growth a possibility. Being blind, deaf and dumb is easy when fear controls our intuitions BUT when a “click” moment happens, the only way to sprout promise in satiety is watering the seed from which the event of realization has planted itself. I.E. what occurred when this person used all of what has happened to me over the past few years as their catalyst for their target to lance and weapon to deflect their own short comings, had ended up piercing me back to life. All the sudden I knew that the deep sadness I felt was a life turning event not a life sentence and while there are moments where I go ape shit on him because the wounds he inflicted are still EXTREMELY fresh, I have to thank him in a way… the pain is only going to bring the pleasure of bettering myself while the wrath of his wrong doings will hurt him in the long run. We can’t control what others do but we can control how we react to their actions. I have confidence in knowing who I am now and Slowly but surely the haze I have been under will rise because I have permitted myself to feel his diabolical plan… so thanks… because when someone does something thinking they will be fulfilling their voids through another’s discomfort, it only says one thing about them… that they are in denial of what really holds them accountable to their own actions.

So you’ve heard my painful and recent heartbreak that has literally become this earth shattering realization but what can you gain from this? How can you move through your trials as swiftly or smoothly as possible? Truth is, ya can’t…. What? Don’t dismiss me. I know what you’re thinking… (in a high-pitched whiny voice) “how can she say that after I just read all this shit she spewed? What kind of motivation crap is that?” Well it’s the truth and over the years one had been able to expect the non sugar-coated form of motivation speaking I “spew”. For months I debated whether my life was even worth getting up out of bed for yet in the moment I LITERALLY walked into someone, who I entrusted and loved, showing me retaliation for his own denial of short comings, the cloak and dagger only killed the devil that spoke to me every morning, not the aimed target. So the next time you are in a state of true strife, I mean gut wrenching emotional turmoil…allow yourself the ability to have the wave of doubt crash over you because once you take the first breath of fresh air, your screaming lungs wont be the only thing thanking you… other organs crave inhalation, like our hearts too. We can’t grow without giving ourselves the room to do so and if we keep up the walls, how will the roots of our realizations flourish? By stifling your emotional needs, you only create a desert of doubt and constrict the true capacity to love. And if we suppress ourselves, we become…plain and simple…I’m living proof or was…before I took a satisfying breath from being choked at the hands of someone’s self-imposed decline.

So what now? Well the healing process begins. It will take time and I’m sure I will falter at some points, but instead of viewing the floundering as failure, the hesitation will only bring learning. Holding ourselves accountable for what we do while having confidence in what we are worth will not only bring forth a renewed sense of life but also invite the growing process to proceed. I used to think confessing vulnerability to a situation was a death sentence but in reality, the only funeral I went to was the one my heart laid in the casket for. There’s a sense of freedom in abolishing walls WE BUILT. As we get older, time becomes more precious and the decisions we make become even more important to our sustainability so license you will to prevail through self-realization rather than stuffing down denial. Your future doesn’t have to be depicted through someone hurting you like what happened to me. Every person is different in the how or to the why that has enlightened you, BUT if there’s receptiveness in mind,  responsiveness in body and openness in soul, then the world is your oyster…open the aphrodisiac and fuck the doubt with your horny for resolution desires. tehe

You need to love and care for yourself before you are able to be available to someone else. Once that occurs, the best things can happen.

in other words… I’m back kids… so keep on holding strong