the Vulnerability in Growth

Growth… a term that categorizes a time in our lives where we are in transition. It defines a manifesting mindset, a physical sense of empowerment, an emotional development or even a spiritual uprising in which we become transients traveling through a blossoming stage that we decide upon. But to do so and really be enlightened to the process, we need to open places in our souls that were hidden from our once stagnant mindset before we decide to move on. Forced to perspire the concealed fears, we must open the pores of blocked emotions so the blood, sweat and tears of our hard work can prevail. How can you progress if the walls we built from forced strength are blocking the passage to revelation? Think for a moment… are those walls we built keeping out the demons or are they giving them the ability to stay inside?

For YEARS I’ve carried the connotation that the way to get through life was through tunnel vision. “Don’t allow emotion to get in the way of what needs to get done…it will only slow you down T. You’re the Titan… Titans don’t trip…they muster on in spite of the difficulties life may bring. They don’t falter and neither will you. Forget tears, ignore fear, dismiss the desire to invest in emotions… do you boo. DO YOU” And with that I became a machine and the name I was hyped up to uphold. I truly believed that to get through any hardship in life, it was to negate any emotional connection and move on without feeling the effects of going through an uncomfortable state. I would rummage through a bit of could have, should have, would have but didn’t acquiesce the pain that regret or remorse allowed one to have. I built walls around my heart to not only protect myself but in a way keep me standing because I concluded that falling was failure and in turn I hurt some of the closest people to me due to my inability to connect emotionally with them. During the most successful time in my life, where business, body building and money prospered, I neglected the profits in growing my humility from being distracted by the riches I never had. Over years of doing this, the absence of empathy gave nourishment to only one thing… denial of my needs. I provided growth in every aspect as I promised myself I would when I was homeless but I shrank in my cognizance to the human obligation to feel. So while my life seemed to be going forward, it was only being propelled upon motivation from succeeding in what I wanted, not from being directed in the things that I actually needed.

It’s going on 4 years since God decided to begin to test me…Days upon days of hardship chiseling away the barricade I had put up to keep my kingdom protected. Then June 2018 blasts through the stockade of strength and the infantry of vulnerability begins to invade my once impenetrable dominion. With the pressure closing in on me, my once indomitable titan mindset felt choked with fear of the unknown and the reality of being susceptible to my own emotions came forcefully through. With numbness running through me, I tilted my crown to the perceived invader but when I lifted my head in dire prayer, the intruder proved only to be God riding in on a white knight of realization.

Someone recently had the intentions of hurting me and actually did so, knowing I was in a vulnerable state. I mean stabbed my heart with actions so impressively homicidal in design that the shock delivered was enough for him to be convicted of emotional manslaughter. Tricked and deceived due to my depressed mindset, I allowed someone to control the one thing I ALWAYS had discipline over, my heart, which in turn granted him growth in his ego and the satisfaction in having domination over my vulnerability. Doing good to only use against me or cover his wrong doings, I would forgive myself then feel regret for things I didn’t even do, giving me even more confusion to what REALLY was happening. (I know we all have been here) I had been in such a despondent state, that my failure came not from feeling sad (which I thought was the truth in the past) but in neglecting what a real Titan should do, stand up and stand strong in times of fear. I was clouded with disappointment and exhaustion but meanwhile I was also involved in a ravenous storm created by entrusting in someone who lacked the ability to take responsibility in actions to which he placed blame on me due to his lack of self awareness. I felt like I needed him in my state of turmoil and he saw that opportunity to take advantage upon to gain confidence from his perceived state. There I was giving someone who I once trusted the opportunity to emulate their own unscrupulous ways onto me and because of the bad mental state I was in, I fell victim to the ploy. I was unaware to all that was transpiring due to him building me up then tearing me down until an action of his created the eye of the storm to give me clear sight and from there the growth began. The physical pain I felt when the reality of what he did and has been doing for quiet a long time hit, I finally realized my part in this and from there I could do nothing but grow upon. I finally had made the connection that for years I yielded myself from; bridging the gap between vulnerability and physically allowing myself the ability to be responsive to emotional discomfort. From this, while I am still deeply hurt by the malicious and calculated behavior, I know where I played my part in this with my depression and how I now need to feel to heal from this “are you fucking kidding me?” event,

When we are backed into a corner… when we feel as if we are holding on by a single thread… when we are forced to scream in pain… then we grow. I kept thinking to myself…this is rock bottom…no wait now this is…oh fuck something else went wrong so shit can’t get worse than this… and it was this ongoing cycle of denial in where I was designed to go. I thought maybe my mother abandoning would break me? Possibly it would be getting sick would halt me? Maybe losing everything to the job scam was the point of no return? No, it was something I could have never predicted that permitted me to feel. Hear me out. We can’t predict how or when manifestation of our lives will occur but when the opportunity presents itself, being vulnerable to the process is what makes growth a possibility. Being blind, deaf and dumb is easy when fear controls our intuitions BUT when a “click” moment happens, the only way to sprout promise in satiety is watering the seed from which the event of realization has planted itself. I.E. what occurred when this person used all of what has happened to me over the past few years as their catalyst for their target to lance and weapon to deflect their own short comings, had ended up piercing me back to life. All the sudden I knew that the deep sadness I felt was a life turning event not a life sentence and while there are moments where I go ape shit on him because the wounds he inflicted are still EXTREMELY fresh, I have to thank him in a way… the pain is only going to bring the pleasure of bettering myself while the wrath of his wrong doings will hurt him in the long run. We can’t control what others do but we can control how we react to their actions. I have confidence in knowing who I am now and Slowly but surely the haze I have been under will rise because I have permitted myself to feel his diabolical plan… so thanks… because when someone does something thinking they will be fulfilling their voids through another’s discomfort, it only says one thing about them… that they are in denial of what really holds them accountable to their own actions.

So you’ve heard my painful and recent heartbreak that has literally become this earth shattering realization but what can you gain from this? How can you move through your trials as swiftly or smoothly as possible? Truth is, ya can’t…. What? Don’t dismiss me. I know what you’re thinking… (in a high-pitched whiny voice) “how can she say that after I just read all this shit she spewed? What kind of motivation crap is that?” Well it’s the truth and over the years one had been able to expect the non sugar-coated form of motivation speaking I “spew”. For months I debated whether my life was even worth getting up out of bed for yet in the moment I LITERALLY walked into someone, who I entrusted and loved, showing me retaliation for his own denial of short comings, the cloak and dagger only killed the devil that spoke to me every morning, not the aimed target. So the next time you are in a state of true strife, I mean gut wrenching emotional turmoil…allow yourself the ability to have the wave of doubt crash over you because once you take the first breath of fresh air, your screaming lungs wont be the only thing thanking you… other organs crave inhalation, like our hearts too. We can’t grow without giving ourselves the room to do so and if we keep up the walls, how will the roots of our realizations flourish? By stifling your emotional needs, you only create a desert of doubt and constrict the true capacity to love. And if we suppress ourselves, we become…plain and simple…I’m living proof or was…before I took a satisfying breath from being choked at the hands of someone’s self-imposed decline.

So what now? Well the healing process begins. It will take time and I’m sure I will falter at some points, but instead of viewing the floundering as failure, the hesitation will only bring learning. Holding ourselves accountable for what we do while having confidence in what we are worth will not only bring forth a renewed sense of life but also invite the growing process to proceed. I used to think confessing vulnerability to a situation was a death sentence but in reality, the only funeral I went to was the one my heart laid in the casket for. There’s a sense of freedom in abolishing walls WE BUILT. As we get older, time becomes more precious and the decisions we make become even more important to our sustainability so license you will to prevail through self-realization rather than stuffing down denial. Your future doesn’t have to be depicted through someone hurting you like what happened to me. Every person is different in the how or to the why that has enlightened you, BUT if there’s receptiveness in mind,  responsiveness in body and openness in soul, then the world is your oyster…open the aphrodisiac and fuck the doubt with your horny for resolution desires. tehe

You need to love and care for yourself before you are able to be available to someone else. Once that occurs, the best things can happen.

in other words… I’m back kids… so keep on holding strong

Make a wish, and blow

With every coming birthday, there are societal traditions that are performed. Your loved ones sing the out of tune chords as they count you down to the moment you blow out the candles and make a wish. You close your eyes, breath in and in the seconds before you swiftly release your breath back out, you conjure up a dream that would satisfy your current strife in the mere moments leading up to opening your eyes back again. The commotion of the celebration of life continues and you envelope yourself in commemorating your time on earth. A short while later, you are back amongst the hoopla and there is only a faint hint of remembrance in the wish you made to enter your next turning year. If you are lucky enough to open your eyes, take a momentary breathe of appreciation, exhale the doubt and take a look at the view again, not only are you blessed but you’re ahead of me in life.

That minute amount of time I have described in reality is a magical one if you have the ability to awaken from it. In my life, Seconds have turned from a miniscule amount of  time to a redundancy in suffering minutes. With baited breathe I have desired for heavy-handed change, a categorical turn in luck, copious amounts of positive amends yet to no avail, I wake up every morning holding my breathe waiting for an exchange in fate. My eyes have been sealed shut over time, begging to flutter open and embrace the commotion; to celebrate another passing minute, moment, year. I swallow my pride and with lips dry and cracked, I yearn to inhale again. To feel the excitement that I once was a part of, the sensation in being alive with energy that could fill a room of emptiness but instead that vacancy in space has consumed my soul.

It’s been months since I’ve written and while the intention to disperse my thoughts over my keyboard were there, the vulnerability in feelings with embarrassment of displaying them have forbidden my hands from typing. It’s as if seeing the words makes the already very known reality of my reality more harsh in comparison to what I try to deny is happening. When the year mark of being in Florida hit, I woke up to watch the sunrise on the beach, replicating the significance in landing on the shoreline 365 days prior to start my new life in the sunshine state. But instead of the positive smile I should have been wearing, sadness had draped over my strong shoulders, shadowing over the sun rays and light I once exuded. I dug my feet deep in the sand, cocooned myself in my towel and the guilt I felt, and did exactly what I do everyday of my life… watch the rest of the world live.

Six months ago, I wasn’t this girl. While I was pretty beaten up from the past 2.5 years, I’ve always been THE STRONGER ONE. I would get back up, brush it off and find a way to make things work… but after being blatantly robbed from my bank account and future coupled in dealing with the people of Florida, I lost all hopes of trying. I snapped. Tore. Shattered. Fractured. Fragmented. I have literally felt the blood drain from every part of my vivacious existence to leave my lifeless body barren to the cold reality I face everyday. The old me…every ounce of it was weighed out to be a fighter. My core structure bonded from sheer fortitude and a steel resiliency but now I just write about those characteristics like they are distant memories instead of honorable traits. I memorialize my ghost as if death has bestowed upon me and while I am blessed to be alive another day, I am not living but more a spirit of my once titan self.

For half of a year, I have diligently searched, applied, networked, interviewed and been denied a career here. And with a recent turn of events, I have had to do something I have been dreading with all of my heart…find a job and leave the idea of career success at the way side. South Florida is ridden with shady and unscrupulous people, finding out many times over that my realness or heart doesn’t boast well with the cliquiness that the sunshine state admires. But, what has been done by others has been done and now I must once again take the high but tougher road. I had to swallow a huge fear of mine to deal with reality, and in doing so has made my heart go from torn to completely ripped apart… oddly though still gifted in beating.

After taking one to the chest, I set out to the streets in search of the best place to get quick cash…the restaurant world. Being that I started in the business shortly before my 14th birthday, I was clearly adaptable to any type of environment but I had trepidation in finding a suitable place. Even though South Florida is abundantly filled with flourishing restaurants, I was worried no one would want me considering I have spent the past half of a year interviewing. I was wrong, landing 2 of the busiest kitchens in Ft. Lauderdale in one day. After many levels of back to back meetings with different higher ups, I received word that I had obtained 2 serving positions at very lucrative businesses so I should have been over run by joy… no…far from it…and heres why.

During my dark, drinking years I was a waitress. I worked multiple places, sometimes 4 doubles a week…opening and closing kitchens to make sure I had a home, money for bills and a ways to satisfy my partying habit. I would spend the other hours drinking, when I wasn’t busting my ass serving many rude customers and occasionally get in a 10 mile run. I would perpetually exhaust every aspect of myself to erase the sheer bitterness I felt from my young life. Whether it be in the bottle or laced up in my running shoes, I drowned myself to suffocate the voice that constantly said…failure. When I finally said enough is enough, I left behind the urge to satiate my thirst with cuervo and my need to make quick cash in the restaurant biz, vowing to myself I would never return because I wanted to prove to my reclusive parents I was not the failure they left me to believe.

Fast forward to 30 years old and I’m sitting in the parking lot off to the side of this bar saying to myself “How did I get here?” I have unfortunately programmed myself not to cry but there was a crushing sadness that had consumed me. Years ago when I promised myself I would provide a better chance at success in my life, I said I would never come back to this world yet here I am, regressing back to the place that brings the flood of things I tried to forget. My PTSD from my youth flooded into my brain and heart like a tsunami and I battled at the thought of which was better in this instance, sinking or swimming. I had gone from literally changing my life from bitter, angry, scorn teenager to independently successful, driven, mentally unstoppable young woman back to a tired, churlish and scathed soul. I swallowed my pride, put on my best saleswoman face to sell the shit out of a fake smile and it worked. I bagged 2 of the most lucrative restaurants to work in Fort Lauderdale yet not a single ounce of me felt relief of any sort because I was fighting back the notion of dereliction. I am not tempted into that partying lifestyle anymore. Not one bit of me desires to cover my pain that way any longer so it’s not that I worry about working in the restaurant biz getting me back to the bottle…nope no way… It’s the thought of this being my life that scares the shit out of me…because I am not one to settle. Also, This is in no way an insult to others who have this job, but for me I have worked so hard in trying to obtain a career…a sense of stability in my gypsy life that I feel as if I’m severely backtracking to a horrible time in my life. While I’m sure I will be making great money, the evident thought of not fulfilling my goals and hearing the echoing voices of my sad excuse of a mother, makes it hard to see the light at this time.

All I want is relief. A break. A fuckin smidgen of blessed energy, similar to what I have given to the world. I made a ton of mistakes when I was younger but since then I have been as cognizant as possible in rectifying my wrongs but making sure I stay true to myself. I’m real and raw which I wasn’t always. Before I started writing in this blog, I was a robot who just set a task, performed it and didn’t permit emotions because that would just deflect from the direction I needed to go in. Opening up allowed me to change myself into a human, giving me allowance to feel certain aspects of pain to grow and evolve but it also opened this dark window of vulnerability…one this steel hearted chic isn’t a fan of.

My writing style is one to make you sit and think. Makes you envision the circumstances and try to get you to evoke certain emotions within you that you possibly weren’t aware of. Perhaps feelings that influence positive change, inspire a brilliancy in attitude, stimulate your sense of character and in doing so, can help make a positive change in at least someone so that I can have purpose in all that I have been unfortunately given. To know that I have helped someone may give me the momentum in the long hike I have back to inner happiness, providing a much needed charge to my lifeless batteries.

I crave my own meaning of success like a thirst in the driest of suns; Where I wake up with the inertia for life I had once upon a time. Where I take the lessons from having nothing, turning it into something, and losing it all again to be able to step back and breath in the irony of it all. That spirit that gave me the Titan name is in there somewhere, I just need all of this faith I’ve been praying on, to bless me with a chance to fight again.

I deserve to open my eyes after releasing my breath to have one of my many wishes come true.

The road less traveled

Take a look at how you got to where you are in life. What have you accomplished and how have you managed to do so? What has been a failure and how have you handled getting through it to obtain a victory? What did you see as a struggle in the moment only to find out in the future that it was a monumental achievement? How many times have you come close to the breaking point but to later determine it to be pivotal for your development? What have you gifted to others due to your lessons and what have you received from theirs? How far are you willing to break your boundaries to start your ascent to the top?

This is a long entry but follow along because there is a valiant point for the reader to be a part of.

The unbeaten path seems to be an avenue my life has wandered on. Thus far, the way god has laid out the road map of my viability, one would imagine that the rocky ridges I have traveled on would have broken me. And while bits of me have been chipped away due to the treacherous thruway I’ve ventured on, I am not yet broken… No let me rephrase that I am not broken… Yet would assume I will one day… and even though lately I have felt shattered, luckily I am still here writing about my existence.

In my more recent entries, you have seen a pretty damaged girl revealing herself. After moving my entire life to Florida in hopes of a fresh start but only to find out that my world had once again collided with unfortunate circumstances, I was emotionally crushed to my absolute core. I was exactly where I was when I left jersey… working multiple jobs, sleeping on a friend’s couch, medical condition acting up and ending a fragmented relationship. It was as if I had stepped into the twilight zone and was living in an episode of deja vu. The successful ambitions I envisioned day in and out had turned into the nightmare to which I had done so much to dream away. I stopped going to church, alienated myself from anyone I had close to me, became extremely short with people and I was fvckin bitter. I mean scathing with sourness towards anyone who was excelling in career, body building or even people who were gifted with opportunities. To be so blatantly rebellious towards anyone on an upward path was so far from my core values that I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I’ve never been a rancorous woman towards others who excel in their lives, whether it be in their passions or pursuance of goals. I always encouraged people around me to be positive and fixated on success because that’s what I think the world needs more of, personal growth from encouragement of exterior sources. But now, all the sudden, the girl with the pearly white smile wanted to backhand anyone who spoke about competing around her? Feels obligated to lash out on an innocent bi-standard for congratulating themselves on a job well done? Desired to tell people to shut the fvck up when they were excited about venturing into a new unknown in their lives? Who on earth was this bitch and where did Titan go?

Well she allowed herself to be a victim to her own circumstances. She was the woman she licensed her situations to control her attitude. Rightfully so, considering she kept getting hammered with unfortunate incident after incident but why was it that this one broke her? What made this event so much more devastating and harder to bounce back from?

Truthfully it was the promise in it. I guess I had such high expectations for myself with moving to Florida that when I lost everything for the second time in my life, I felt foolish with regret. I didn’t used to dwell on my decisions. I was the “well it happened now let’s work through it” type of girl. But as I go through the motions of my life now and being back where I started, there’s a pain that I feel every morning. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful for my friend’s family allowing me to stay in their home, but it physically hurts to pry myself off of a coach instead of waking up under a roof that I provide for myself. So many people aren’t grateful for opening their eyes after sleeping on an actual bed when I crave so much to be stretching out on a mattress after I successful night’s rest. To have an actual bed…To feel safe and secure, not worrying if I’ll awaken to not having a place to lay my head at night, especially when I am not a menace to society and I am always working.  Not only do I have to deal with the reality of not being able to live an enjoyable existence but for a person who does right by god, I should have a safe sanctuary of my own to reside in. Like I said, I’m very lucky to have what I do right now but I just wish with all of my heart that I had my own with how hard I try being rewarded with that one simple desire.

I’m at a place now, after months of depressed feelings, where I am starting to dig myself out. We all have been here, the degree different for everyone, but this is the first time I have to climb out from such a deep place. With it being over a year now since being kicked out from the short time of living with my “mother” due to my illness being too much of a burden for her plentiful social life, I had pictured being in a better place by now. That wound will take a long time to heal but now I realize that I need to hurt to grow and be a more rounded individual. We all have contrasting backgrounds but we similarly have the decision making to decide how and what we do from the situations that we are handed. While I have stumbled over myself over the past few months, I am still pursuant in my aspirations to better my life because I am the only one who can make that happen. I don’t have a silver spoon to feed off of nor a means to fall back upon if needed. I have supportive friends but at the end of the day, I need to rely on the one thing that has propelled me through some obnoxiously hard times… my pure perpetual yearning for freedom from the chains I was born to.

Waking up under the terms I live in does have its benefits too… It keeps me driven on days I want to throw in the towel and quit. When you’re left with nothing, you have everything to fight for. Being backed up against a figurative wall has allowed me the privilege of seeing things humbly, in a perspective that many never have the ability to see and those you have, I tend to gravitate more to. For years I’ve been the motivator, singing praises to others on how to rise up amongst the scuffles that we battle against and somewhere amidst the travesties, I lost that song tune. I’m taking everyday one day at a time and realizing that it is ok to be aware of my feelings instead of hiding from them. I am constantly reminded that to have more I must work more and if you are a person of faith… you are aware of the divinity in that statement.

While I have much to learn still, I have an equal amount that I can teach. Instilling in others the value in gratitude of life’s restraint brings part of me back from the dead. I resurrect bits of the old me every time I am given the ability to help someone else through their own hell. It slowly fills the holes that have been driven in my soul and breathes life into the suffocated dreams I once coveted to obtain. With that being said, I want you to take the same amount of time that you took to read this, and utilize it preciously towards reinventing a negative thought you have possessed recently. Think about the way you are handling said obstacle and in toe, how you can instill a different result by changing your behaviors within said process. While effort takes work, what do you honestly have to lose when instilling positivity into a previously negative environment? A bit of time or energy? Sure, in the short term it takes extra elbow grease to figure out a more productive and affirmative solution BUT the lesson from said effort is what is key here. I kept losing sight of my exercise in success due to the battles I’ve been facing daily. Getting lost within the work is easy when what surrounds you is counter productive to your goals. It’s god’s way of pushing us to want it even more. (even if you don’t believe in god, IDGAF because this is my belief… pray to a chair for all I care) Then the deeper aspect to this is, well how on earth do I not lose the focus under the pressure that is my day to day? Well that is a personal decision but what I can recommend is the permission to allow yourself to lose sight… yes hear me out. I became bitter from years of grind; in not allowing myself the freedom to express my emotions nor did I let my soul feel flexibility in them. I was a machine that programmed myself to unprogram my mind into believing there was no such thing as sorrow or despondency. To this day, I still have such a hard time crying due to my resiliency and while it has gotten me through some difficult moments, it’s also made me less adaptable to a stable lifestyle. There needs to be balance in your journey and by giving yourself the latitude in wandering on your path, it may help you find other avenues that weren’t available when you were so fixated.

Not everyone has had to overcome what I have had to in life or many other survivors. Some are granted the ability to live a life stress free from some of the world’s horror. While to them there is no way to relate to some of my stories, there is a way you can empathize with me and many more; be open and willing to learn to help others. I don’t try to target one group of people with my scriptures but more let my lessons sink in with everyone. If someone is willing to listen and be astute to how the rest of the world is operating outside of their own surroundings, then that openness can be used to help the ones less fortunate. See, if we all are able to ground ourselves and humble our egos for a moment, then the silence in our thoughts could speak volumes to growing our character. It takes one effort of modesty to start a behavior that could benefit the world. No matter where you begin from, the story can be told with heart and have an ending you depict.

So what are my plans? Keep grinding even if it’s with a heavy heart. I have applied for a federal corrections officer position that I really want and I am praying with conviction that I get it. I feel as if it is the perfect fit for me and if anything possibly the reason I am here in Florida. It is a job description that not only fits my bill but one I could make a living on to pay my bills. It’s an opportunity that I didn’t see and when I was presented with it, I found out how much I truly want it. I have tried so many times to better my life in a multitude of ways and while I have seemingly failed on paper, in reality I’m just building up my stamina. (that’s what I’m telling myself anyway lol)

What I have found is that by allowing myself humility, I’ve gained confidence. By seeing  suffering, I’ve witnessed more gratitude. By permitting myself emotions, I’m not denying myself a lifetime of loneliness. You too can contrive the notion of gratitude in circumstances, no matter where you come from but it all starts with one thought… thanks for all the beauty in your life.

 

opportunity is not created equally

” We all have 24hrs in a day, no matter how rich or poor, no matter where you live, no matter what your circumstances. Make the most of yours.” -Time Magazine-

Time isn’t a figment of our imaginations. It is palpable & meaningful, threaded through every breath & move that we independently make. Besides taxes, the time that we spend on earth leading up to our demise is the only permanent thing we can substantiate our lives with that’s truthful. While we all can have 24 hrs to utilize to our advantage, how many of us  actually have the opportunity to capitalize upon them? Are those seconds to make the right decisions available to all that are gifted the moment of life or do the disadvantages of reality make the window of opportunity smaller. Let me explain…

Contradictory to the quote that I used, my belief is that access to success isn’t fairly placed. We all may have the chance at 1440 minutes to exploit to our advantage but those 60 seconds added up trying to obtain the hope of our dreams are spent differently depending on our god given circumstances or from consequences of our environments. Think about it for a moment… If we aren’t allotted the tools of success, how can the time spent fixing our problems be used efficiently?

Gary Vee, a man that I enjoy hearing preach the gospel of a kick ass attitude, recently put out a video about how one spends his time and how that coincides with having to pay your dues to achieve that 1% status. He broke down how people disperse their 24 hrs (or waste) along with the excuses some use when they try to justify why they haven’t accomplished their goals. He crassly enunciated the laziness of our society because we are all given the means of 24 hrs, so the playing field was even to him BUT how is the game to success an even one if circumstances for the players aren’t of the same league? How “doable” is it to set a goal of saving 20,000$ to start your own business in the next 2 years if someone has to work 2 jobs to pay bills, help care for loved ones, deal with a medical issue etc compared to another person who comes from money, has little responsibility, education was paid for and has no real life worries so the ability to save is higher than of the individual who has disadvantages. Here is a real life example for you: Today I was told a story about a 22 yr old boy who went to fire school. His grandfather is a wealthy gentleman and not only paid for all of his expenses during school but the child’s father was also the fire chief. Upon graduating, he chose to work at the same station as his father, granting him political preference. Out of 38 kids from his graduating class 3 were hired, including himself. So let’s reconvene and go over the concept of this again. Gary Vee states that we all have the same 24 hrs to achieve individual success right or obtain the 1% status but how does this concept completely apply to the other 45 people that weren’t chosen for hire due to not having political ties or the means to apply all of their 1440 minutes to their goal like this 22yr old did? Doesn’t really equal up to a fair equation does it?

There are many people that say timing is everything in relation to attaining a certain degree of success; that excuses aren’t warranted because we all can keep our eyes open for opportunity if we want it bad enough. Even if we were to only sleep 3 hours a day, eat 2 meals and alienate any form of social interaction, if you have real life distractions in your peripherals the line of focus becomes blurred. Yes I do believe if you keep a certain attitude of openness during your search for success, that not all of life can engulf your sense; Prime example was my past triumphs in my own company. I had taken advantage of being in recovery from my multiple leg surgeries by going to school and getting my training cert, minoring in business classes as well because I had a plan in mind. After, I worked a full time job and gained enough interest in my skill set through teaching zumba that when I found that prime time opportunity, I took it; opening my business and watching it grow. I had a TON on my plate being that I’ve been on my own for years, but I was thirsty for success and I made sure to utilize my time correctly so that none was wasted. I rarely slept, was sick often, rarely saw loved ones but I was making it happen even though exhaustion often tempted me. I watched many get handed their success for years and in reality the bitterness of my life drove my ambition but clouded my reasonings. The path I took transpired over years of time though, nothing was done overnight. I played the waiting game to get my accolades of success because I had no other choice given the reality of real life. Now, circling back Does timing play a part? Yes. Absolutely it does to accessing our inner most desires but that balance in fulfilling our passions with the demand of our needs isn’t easy at all. So again to say its fair to SEE the opportune moment, while doable, needs a certain individual to be able to accomplish this form of multi tasking. Someone’s chances of success in timing are lessened when the probability of failure is higher due to the demands of their world’s pressures.

I know, I know. You’re saying in your head how this sounds like an excuse but it has discernible evidence backing it. Your level of success, the journey to it, the longevity of it all can majorly be dictated in the opportunities you were given not in which you solely find for yourself. Yes you learn lessons in triumph, in persevering through the onerous duties that make or break us BUT it once again takes a certain person to not only balance the will to survive but to also be able to learn from lessons not being taught due to their faults. Some people are thrown down once, twice, 85 times … but to what point before the human drive dies with the exhaustion in our emotional capacities? Only one being knows that answer, for that power is beyond our doing.

I won’t lie to you. I’ve continually divulged the truth of my life to an audience in order to pay forward the lessons the I have learned, along with help myself become human from the inhumane lifestyle I have lived so far. I’ve grown bitter. Watching so many people blossom in their lives, while I still try to find stability in mine. I’ve gone straight past envy and traveled swiftly into jealousy. I grit my teeth and walk away now when I hear boasting about others prosperity and I was NEVER like that. Being that I am 30 with still nothing to show for it, I’m saddened. I don’t sit on my ass and expect things handed to me. I try diligently to improve on my faults, take risks to get ahead and play nice with others in efforts to make my life a better, less dramatic and more comfortable place but when I see mothers giving their children a home cooked meal or someone boasting about a house they purchased … I guess something dark boils within me. I’ve paid it forward for years, giving my heart when financials weren’t an option and still to this day I genuinely help others because I feel that’s what I was put on this planet to do. For 2 years now I have fought tooth and nail to get back to the once very gratifying success I had.. To say that I came from absolutely nothing to having mostly everything I’ve ever wanted due to my unbreakable, machine like will was what I worked hard for and because I was an idiot in love, I lost EVERYTHING. LEGIT EVERYTHING from a man I allowed to brainwash me. So for 2 years now I have busted my hump trying to regain some of my success in what not only made me happy but also what made me money. People have come and gone. Ideas have came and went. And after moving my life to Florida, the opportunities I thought I was going to have were merely thoughts in the wind yet I still won’t ever use people to get ahead… it’s not in me… I just can’t.

I CRAVE success. More than I hunger for peanut butter and that says something but between trying to find a stable place to live, searching for a job that pays, getting out of a tumultuous relationship and get back on my feet… my 24 hrs are being utilized differently. The yearn I have to be able to sleep in my own bed or breath a sigh of relief at night in a home I have provided would have pushed me in the past, but suffering from exhaustion is taking its toll. I have always bounced back very quickly but this one has kicked my ass hard.

So what do you think? what would you do if you were me? How would you channel your inner titan to once again beat the odds stacked against you? Or would you be complacent and just live everyday one at a time? Easy to SAY what you would do, but read back in my former blogs under my struggles and then make a better judgement call. I’m torn and that is foreign to me because I have always wanted to beat the odds but after seeing how opportunity is comprised of gifts more often then not… I’m on the fence.

….

I’ve never left an entry so open ended before…When will time be free for me?

The permanency in change

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
― Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein

The subject of change is a funny one. We strive to change the world but are uneasy about modifying ourselves. We want other people to conform yet we individually resist adaptation. We preach revolutions to the world but have trepidation about going to war within ourselves. So why is it that the human race is so eager to exhort the idea of change yet when life makes us use plan B, C, D and so on people tend to freak the fuck out?  Statistics have shown that humans resist quick changes but feel it ok to permit longevity in change, being documented that our species will bypass leaving unhealthy relationships, taking risks at new careers, diving into ourselves to develop our characters all in fear of our comfortable norm. Let’s face it, we like being complacent and hearty in our symphatic states and when life forces us to change ourselves or our contented environments, most of the population has a tough time handling it…MOST.

My life would not be categorized in the most group.

Throughout my life, one thing has remained perpetual amongst the craziness…change. I have weathered quite a number of storms, navigating the tempestuous waves of vicissitude without hesitation and going full force into the following area of unknown. There has always been this ability to feel more comfortable with the idea of having to get up and leave or switch my situation at a moments notice than if I had to stay somewhere or with someone for too long. Getting attached is frightening to me, no matter if it is to an inanimate object or to a warm blooded soul, the thought of investing emotions into a permanent structure is very foreign in comparison to how my life has unfolded. It’s not that I am disloyal to my loved ones but that I find it difficult to grow close with people so the simple fear of attachment paralyzes me. Most people value set in stone situations and forever relationships but the mere thought of marriage, buying a house or even having traditions puts me into a stage of panic. For a person who has moved just under 30 times in 13 years, it’s safe to say About the only things I view as having any solidity in my life’s path thus far is my ability to push through any obstacle standing in my way.

I conditioned myself for years to void out emotional connections and condition my mindset of a legit warrior. While it played out well in many circumstances, allowing me the ability to separate emotions from reality, it also dampened my range of self entitlement to love and grace in empathy. I have grown so hardened from actions that I have disregarded my own sympathy as well as found it hard to give others the excuses that sometimes life needs to render…which has become my Achilles heal.

June 2018 comes and that ability to resist change has been altered, dramatically. My life seemed to literally collapse and there was nothing that I could have done to prevent one of the most devastating times I have been through.

Job scam, robbery, long term relationship break up, no health care, loss of home, had to give away dog… one event after the next in a very short term period finally broke free the encasement I had put my emotions under. While I was used to not getting used to things, I had finally given much hope (without realizing it) to an actual real life, one that didnt involve the chains of peril or misfortune. There was a future. I had a promise for a career, money in my bank account, insurance, a roof over my head, a man who cared about my well being…so many things I had asked god for and then, change occurred. Now normally it would have been ” OK shit happens. Pick up your big girl pants and get through it. ” I would cry no tears or even give a single whim of thought to regret but since I had this hope, this perception, this all inviting attitude to what my life was transpiring to be… the dramatic turn of events devastated me to my core and stripped me of the one thing I have been proud of most, my strength to persevere.

Fast forward to now, August 7th and I don’t know if many people would recognize me now. Haggard by lack of sleep being on couches, traumatized by another disillusioned dream, bewildered by the thought of all that transpired…I’m less titan and more human than ever. The girl who could once easily resist the temptation of negativity was now consumed by utter failure, to the point that my nightmares of stagnancy in my goals had become my reality. I’ve been known for years as that girl…that fighter… that non stop powerhouse that just always had shitty luck. It wasn’t me story telling to get pity but literally just vocalizing my real life struggles to motivate others that got me to the titan name but now with the truth of my current status transcribed in what seemed like stone, my once fortressed heart had been plundered by unfortunate circumstances. My once eager to thrive attitude now consumed with grief, for the first time ever I debated the right to live as the words my mother spoke to me replayed in my head “you are a burden to the world”

Even as I type this, the words pouring from my finger tips feel alien like. I have spoken in the past with such motivating eloquence that transcribing talk of negativity is unfamiliar to me. I accepted being put on this earth to help others through my struggle but I never thought that after years of changing and evolving through my experience, I’d be back where I started, homeless and scared. But as I take a big breath and sigh with sorrow, I realize that I can blame myself to a certain degree; I fell for the job scam because I was blinded with hope. I ended my relationship because I allowed things to snowball out of control. I built a life in my head without actually starting it first; so I too played a roll in the demise of my expectations.

From all of this I am learning that being too hard can actually break you even more. I placed this connotation in my mind that resiliency meant being devoid of emotional attachment to anything, when in actuality it’s the opposite. If I were to have allowed feelings of loss, remorse, defeat then I could have grown to leave vacancy for moments of devastation in where I’ve learned how to cope besides for avoiding the situation at hand. Funny isn’t it? How I’ve been through so many horrid circumstances yet the way I thought to cope with them was actually preventing me from countering them in the future.

I luckily have a great support system even though I have become somewhat of a loaner. I put on a smile, to show what I am known for, but I have disconnect from many. Nothing done from their part to deserve it but I find I prefer to be alone more often than not due to it being easier not to be vulnerable through trust. I have a roof over my head due to a good friend and her family along with being given a job just days after my life shattered, which I’m both very grateful for. I just am in such a state of shock and pain that being around others while hearing about their fortunes is eating at my soul…and I have never been petty like that. I wish others nothing but fortune, health and love but lately I wake up everyday in such a state of dismay that I would rather alienate myself then fester in negativity derived from others prosperity.

I often write to motivate the masses, whether it be through words of wisdom, stories of triumph, engagements of learning… but today I solely type to tell a story of confession. Hopefully in some way it encourages others to learn from my mistakes and tales of misfortune, to lend a hand in feeling grateful to have simple things like food, a roof over your head, a healthy body, a loving family, a way to provide for yourself and a good attitude. This sudden changed pained my heart and still has to the point that I’ve been in a daze, fighting to sleep but contending to stay awake in a world void of meaning at the moment. I try to make everyday a one with spirit but right now I need to find mine again.

The word #holdstrong has never had so much force before in my life. I just need to remember it and fortify it when I feel weak. I’m taking one day at a time and I’m hoping life will throw me a bone so I can gain my faith in humanity and the man above once again.

Perpetual motion

It’s been a while since my hands graced the keyboard with words to inspire the mind and dare you to change your future. I apologize to my allegiance of viewers for My thoughts have been engulfed with trying to reinvent my circumstances and change what seemed to be my fate. I had become so engrossed with getting out of my undesirable conditions that I alienated the world to better my own. But during the process of being lost in the wild wilderness of life’s seeming tragic situations, I found an essential piece of knowledge that is quiet simple in term but pretty profound in succumbing to its meaning. I share these new words of wise findings out of pure heart and to possibly help others like I have in the past with details from prior state of affairs I had been subjected to. (but don’t worry, there will always be some wise cracks written into the words of wisdom)

So…30 years old. I can tell I am in my 30’s because the once perky tone of my b cup boobs are starting to hold a more southern accent. Shit just isn’t what and where it once was. From new laugh lines on my forehead to my knees aching from the years of squats, my body definitely recognizes the new decade in my life and while I hear that you are only as old as you think you are, my heart felt a heavy 80 as the moments lead up to my birthday. I had yet to come to terms with the realness of what I had really just accomplished for myself with uprooting my entire life on a whim to move over a thousand miles away to a strangers house in hopes of substituting a possible defeat for a glorious victory… and I did just that. I beat what seemed like fate BUT the price of winning was a high one, for my heart and minded were still incredibly wounded by the many battle scars I had received from the hands of other less dutiful. I had taken many things personally, the singe of hot pain still scorned my soul from the lack of kindness and compassion I had received from the ones I thought had loved me. For the first time in a LONG fuckin time, I felt a surge of regret so strong even my legs couldn’t have pressed the weight. Regret in believing their words, regret in the time spent hanging on to their lies, regret in the moments I could have been progressing in my career but instead I was enveloped in fighting their false advertisements of adore… I wasted so much energy in getting out of the mess I allowed them to put me in by trusting their fake intentions that I became older and remorseful from the emotions I put into the hostilities. Approaching 30 not only scared the piss out of me because it’s fuckin 30 yrs old! but I had spent so much of my life fixing my realities from people’s targeted bad intentions, that I momentarily regretted not using the time to live life on my own…and with that realization came a freedom that grants me the opportunity to write this notion about the importance of time.

Getting older shouldnt scare us into doing something with our lives, it should inspire us to do more with the present time we have. It should perpetuate us to move forward and constantly reinvent our worlds if we don’t like what it has become or who is in it. We complain, bitch and moan about circumstances that we all have the ability to do something about but we CHOOSE not to because we are too lazy to work on a Saturday or you feel entitled to more because you have 250k followers on Instagram. Choke on a wale’s dick then chew on a sense of reality for 2 minutes please. If you are not trying to make your life better you will regret the time complaining about it when you get to a point where the struggle to breath becomes your actuality. What I didn’t realize at the time of my complaining about my mother abandoning me while I was sick was that instead of regretting spending so much energy of negativity fighting against them I should have been grateful for having the strength to not take that as an excuse to feel entitled to get more. I said nope, not having this shit and bit the bullet by staying in my car but still making sure I went to work every damn day without my co workers knowing I was showering at a gym. (i was very fortunate though to have a close friend take me in after a week of that) No fuck that. I will not allow the turning of 30 to be a bitter milestone from momentary weakness because I was told I had surmounted to nothing by 30 from this world’s disillusion to what people “should have by now” No…no no no fuck THAT. I am 30 and have lived through so much that I could wear out a pen with words of foresight so why the hell do I need to feel bad because I don’t have an expensive mortgage with a white picket fence, 2.5 spoiled kids, in-laws that drive me to become a wine-o and a job that I hate to pay for all of it? And why should I pretend to be something or have something I don’t on social media just to fit the gender needed status of 30 years young? What did I miss here??? But trying to be something in a society that would only take a photo of you instead of giving you help if you were bleeding out from a gun shot wound will be a subject matter for another blog because I don’t want to start a rant about the idiots of society when trying to procure emotions of deep thoughts.

I don’t care how god bearing you are or how spiritually connected with a tree’s roots you are stemming from, WE ALL COMPLAIN. It’s human nature BUT! and I say BUT because there is means for a but… BUT if you are moving forward and trying to better the circumstances then there is room to momentarily fret but don’t regret the efforts because you lack the patience to preserver or are blinded to the progress being made. Don’t dare denounce the practices of attempts because you are tired or because society is pointing fingers at you for going about life a different way. Look at any great inventor, motivator or genius in history, did they do things normally? uh no. far from it. So if your exercises in action aren’t giving you the outcome you want, take a step to the side, catch your breath and realize that you are STILL MOVING FORWARD because you have the ability to look behind you at work you have tried to do. So you aren’t there yet…so you don’t have the white picket fence at the age your parents told you would please…WHO FUCKIN CARES. IT’S YOUR LIFE! You will have a hell of a story to tell to them after you impress them 5 years later with the long list of accomplishments that took you that long to get there. We choose our paths, NOT SOCIETY. NOT OUR AGE BRACKET DEEMED ACCEPTABLE TO THE WORLD. NOT OUR IG FOLLOWING. NOT THE CONSTRAINTS OF YOUR OWN MIND THAT YOU ALLOWED YOURSELF TO BUILD. I have 2 words for you, hold strong; Yup the attitude I have inscribed on my hands, I now more than ever cherish. It’s not time to regret, it’s opportunities we need to make more important and value with more significance to learn and grow from; to utilize the slow paced theme to our advantage and determine the magnitude of its inception and end points during the journey. You waste time on the negative that you will never get back instead of rejoicing in the battles won through perpetual motion in the fight for your future. Remember I learned there’s no wasting time in bettering yourself, only in complaining if you’re too lazy to do something from opportunities presented. Get a gripe. You’re not entitled shit. Work hard and be envious of success so you can figure out how to get your own!

Some people will appreciate my rawness and I’m sure others will roll their eyes to go back to valuing their lives with a double tap instead of trying to better their realities but hey that’s what makes the world turn right? our differences…. (shakes head) All I’m saying is this, my “coming of age” was scary leading up to it, but then I realized how lucky I have been for having the determination to perpetually move forward and not be expecting life to just get better by my faith in God or because I was owed a better life due to my courteous nature. And I don’t regret being hurt of spending time fighting against my circumstances because I learned a lot by MOVING forward not being sedentary form the growing pains. Regret takes energy, use it to make opportunities and get what you want out of life not what you think society wants you to have and said juncture in your timeline.

Be brave. Never settle. Hold strong

 

 

Can you define LOVE or does it define you?

Love, such a simple yet complex word. Verb, noun, adjective that can display such a vast array of emotions yet can we really pin point the definition of it? Is it biased? Is it forever lasting? Is it reliant on a situation or moment in time? Does it come with hate or does it bring trepidation? Is it fleeting due to circumstance? Can it define a person or thing? If it came down to a singular instant in time would you be able to elucidate its true meaning without hesitation? And if you can’t come up with an answer, would it make you ponder why… or for that matter why not?

There are so many instances in our lives that the depiction of love can be skewed due to our emotions or the actions of others. Many draw their basis of loving themselves upon the ardor that others exude to them…not having the confidence to look deep within their own hearts for that stability. And when there is a rejection of said love, the actions they take upon their wellbeing is what in turn delineates their lines between intimacy and loathing. I tend to people watch often… look at other’s reactions or their neglect to react to other’s actions and from that I often contemplate why humans can’t see how they rely on the notion of having approval to establish love. It amazes me how society has morphed the sentiment into an act of validation rather than an agreeance within one self. It may be from the pressures of admiration in social media or from the idea that passion is defined by how much you do for another but when you say I love you, shouldn’t the action of it prove more than the convenience of saying it?

I feel as if the word is way over used and people lose touch with the significance of it, becoming more of a word of vanity rather than an true action. I often receive messages from guys in my mailbox that say, “I love you” when I’ve never even met these people before. Maybe I’m too old school, but how can you say such a powerful word without having any emotion to back it up. I catch people verbalizing it all too much, saying simply they love something without having any rational behind its vocalization. And as fast as they are to spew those three very special words, it’s as if humans have come quickly with its counter “I hate you”, just as easily. The capacity that those words must do significant damage to someone is quite pronounced, yet many don’t seem to see the repercussions in concluding all to easily to those statements. We find ourselves outlining our worth on someone’s momentary emotions. Look at relationships of any kind…whether it be romantic or family or friendly based…see how often anyone can say those words BUT are they ever really justified OR are they solely based in a second’s amount of time? We act within the weight of our hurt or even in our heart but instead of taking a timeout to really dive into the meaning of either statement before uttering its reality, we jump in bed with a transient sentiment usually coinciding with an action one has done for or against us… have I made you think yet?

The idea of a four-letter word so powerful in its simplicity scares me… I mean truly to my core terrifies the shit out of me. To love is to hurt as I have all too many times experienced in my life. The past few weeks have really forced me to sit down and try to perfect its proper meaning due to the lack of it in my life. I’m sure that everyone decides their own theory of its illustration in their own special way but there must be some common ground of such a powerful word. I mean how can a parent say that their love for their child is unconditional yet I’m being thrown out due to being ill? How can I witness a friend being told “I love you” by their partner yet it’s all based on the control the man had over her? How is it that if I don’t bend for a friend’s demands, then they instantly view me as disloyal and their love disappears? How can a follower pronounce their admiration for me with a marriage proposal without even knowing me then hate me the next instant when I deny them? Is love that conditional? Or is it that selfish? Do we swing on its branches from the tree of life from one instance to the next if we don’t break to another human’s depiction or dictations? Is it so casual in connotation that seconds stand between the two extremes? With the hurt I have experienced lately and the antipodes life has thrown at me against what I view love as, I find myself defining the noun as more of a negative than the once beautiful potential in its existence in the outside world. I have turned into myself and oddly enough have learned to love myself MORE from the informal usage of it in my life. I question if its selfish to be able to admire myself more due to the reject of others instead of trying to change their idea of their warmth to me but then I snap back and realize how selfish they are to have their engagement with me based on my agreeance to them. Can you, the viewer reading this, say that you are able to care for yourself more than someone else’s love for you? Can you look in the mirror and say that you respect yourself if you are rejected or approved of by a “loved one”? I’d bet money that you are mumbling “yes of course I could!” but do you have evidence that the portrayal you have of yourself isn’t biased from the result of someone else’s love or hate for you?… think about the heaviness in that question.

In less than two weeks I will be forced on my way again, being removed from a roof that had promised me safety only a yr ago this month Last week I had received a text telling me when I had to be out by and what would result of my things if I didn’t remove them in time but after, on the last line of the message, read “but I will always love you” and the heat that enraged within me was a scary temperature. The bitterness and devastation that engorged my soul was primitive in its origin, stemming from the abandonment of my parents at such a hard time in my life. To be sick is a hardship within itself let alone having to try and find a place to live with the fear of being homeless again. The lacerations may not be visible but the wounds are deep and while I have my days where I’m lost on the path God mapped out for me, there are days like today that help put me back on track. I helped someone today, without even meaning to, which offered me clarity in my own troubles and gave me another reality check that love is within ourselves not from others. We can’t provide it to another if we can’t find it within and I can’t expect it from words if the actions surrounding it aren’t backed up. Just because we give someone a title (boyfriend, parent, friend) doesn’t mean they have the ability to love back because maybe they don’t love themselves enough to extend it. We must have humanity in our soul to be strong enough when some entitled individual rejects or approves of us, the humanity strong enough to not depend on their involvement in our existence and holdstrong in its entirety; and that is easier said then done.

After reading this, the next time a situation approaches you where you are dealt with some of the instances I have presented to you, think before you speak. Act before you react. Define before you redefine. We as humans act all to quickly instead of reacting with patience, call it weakness of the flesh, but imagine how amazing it would feel to specify love with such preciseness that you no longer question its meaning for yourself.

#holdstrong

 

Forever in our hearts; the reality check of their short but fulfilling lives

It’s the wee hours into sunlight on 8/22/2017 and I receive a text message from one of my closest guy friends stating that I need to make sure I’m seated for the news he was about to tell me. I read the message in fear, because Toni knows how much of a worry wart I am by nature and I knew he wouldn’t be telling me this if it wasn’t something serious. After writing back a simply ok, I waited in bated breath for his return response and after the notification went off for a received message… all I can say is that I’m glad I was sitting down when I glanced at it.
I have three body builders who I’ve been actively following since coming across their competing careers; Big Ramy, Dennis Wolf and Dallas McCarver. To me they all embody something special whether it be physique, mannerisms or outstanding character, every one of them have caught my attention in some way. I’ve watched their training videos, how they eat, the way they address people, their lives outside of the gym; I had become fascinated by their roles in bodybuilding and in their day-to-day realities… especially With Dallas. He had memorized me after I came across him receiving his pro card back in 2012 at the young age of 21, when I was first starting off in the sport, and since I’ve become an active fan of his work ethic. He gave back to his community, talked to every fan, was open and willing to help others, genuine gentleman, a big teddy bear in a way…so his brute of an exterior was softened by his teddy bear care. When the incident at the Arnold Australia happened, many of us in the sport understood what really happened and I can honestly say I began getting really worried about his health…noticed he swtiched back coaches…I’ll never forget when he liked somewhere along the lines of 20 something of my pictures on ig, for I nearly died of a “fangasm” because for about 2 minutes of his life, he knew I existed. So when I received that second text message from Tony stating that Dallas had died… I felt as if a friend had passed.
If you are an avid part of this sport, you know as well as I do that the pros we follow become almost family even without them knowing it. Not in a creepy sort of way but its as if we shadow their existences especially with how much access we have to them via social media and the internet. They accompany us on our own journeys as we use their multi media displays as a gateway to channel our own motivations and as they progress through the sport, so do we which puts us even more engrossed into their worlds. We use their outpours as a way to cement our own desires and without even knowing it, we become more than fans, but our own body building family.
Less than a week later, I received yet ANOTHER text message from Tony saying “T… I need you to sit down again.” …my text back? “dude Dallas has already passed, please don’t be scaring me again.” Right after I read… ” I Love you T but Rich Piana died and I know how much you liked him.”… I couldn’t even answer. I had found out before anyone released the death of Dallas due to my connections but now someone else that I ambitiously followed has passed?!! I had known he was in a coma but come on this is a 5%er! No way could he be buried with the tank-o heart and gargantuan arms he had. The man embodied the motto NEVER GIVE UP. I was captivated by his honesty and I would often listen to his motivational speeches during my very difficult prep because he spoke only of the truth and of acceptance. And while he was controversial, people loved him for his utmost honesty which is rare nowadays. How could this be?! In less than a week, two HUGE icons in the body building reality were gone…stripped to early from their mortal lives with only questions and speculation looming to keep their legacy alive.

Not even a month before, while I’m backstage in Vegas for the biggest event of my life, did I come across a message reading that my friend Sean Harris had passed after falling asleep at the wheel…9 days out from tampa pro. I was lucky enough to call Sean a friend, him helping me through preps or just being a shoulder to lean on when I needed it. He had a rough and tumble exterior but a teddy bear heart, one that once you got to know, you cherished the conversations had because they were from the a deep place within him. A family man, he went above and beyond for his kids and to hear that we had lost not only a great coach but a good soul was heart wrenching. So as the news tumbled from Sean to Dallas to Rich… I began to think… was competing or the industry itself really what I wanted to be a part of with all of its dangers?

Now I AM NOT HERE TO SPECULATE, CRITICIZE, OR CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTIONS about these amazing athletes and men. While I didn’t know Rich or Dallas personally, I was an earnest fan of both so their deaths (especially Dallas due to his youth) really shook me. The media will say one thing and while we may never really know what happened to any of the men mentioned, it made me ponder the health and wellness in competing or being in the spotlight of body building itself, considering my own physical issues. Bodybuilding lifestyle is relatively healthy. You eat, sleep, train and live in a world dedicated to wellness but the competing aspect, while we look like the picture of purity…isn’t health conscious at all (mentally or physically) We put our bodies through HELL and deprivation; often lacking in sleep and nutrients all to embody a certain physical specimen that in reality will win us a plastic trophy and an ego boost. I ABSOLUTELY AND FULL HEARTEDLY have invested and loved the body building mentality which had engrossed nearly the last 6 years of my life but it wasn’t until recently, after getting really sick, did I begin to question stepping away momentarily to get my physical being back to internal tip top shape rather than the external look that was winning me shows. Couple that with the recent deaths of some of my favorite icons, it makes you think about verisimilitude of your dream.

In the aftermath of Dallas’ early passing, I sat in the gym looking into the mirror waiting for god to give me an answer to the copious amounts of questioning my mind was asking. Was it worth it? Could any of this happen? What about my own health issues? Was my yearning for a pro card really worth the amount of risk I take to get on stage? Why these men? Why these GOOD men? Does putting ourselves on these pedastles really make it worth it when our time could be cut short with the chances we take in the dangers that are in the competing realm? Lost in thoughts for a few days, I just went through the motions in the gym, unable to focus on the mind to muscle connection due to the pounding assessments running rampant in my worrisome mind. I had devoted YEARS to this idea of my pro card being my reasoning to success but after seeing what I did in Vegas then reading these messages about my fallen heroes, my heart and mind were at odds with what to make of my own future career goals.

I’m VERY lucky to have the support system I do because the ones close to me often set me straight. Without having a true blood family, I’ve adopted one hell of a bloodline because of this sport and no matter what, bodybuilding in its design has built a stable foundation in my very tornado like of a life. With a heavy heart, I reached out to those in my small inner circle with what was going on in the war of my head vs my heart and they all said the same thing… step back but go forward. At first I was unsure how all of them would agree considering they really don’t know each other but the common thread in their advice was me and my health. What they had meant by this was to recoil from the stage momentarily but dive head first into making the “titan brand” into something more potent than just the body building arena could handle… that I could continue my journey without focusing on just the pro card being my only mindset of success. That people like Dave Palumbo or Greg Valentino (someone who I have become great friends with and deeply respect) had their own successes without the ifbb pro title…and their love for the sport wasn’t dictated by their lack of a crown but by how they still actively participated without taking the health risks. As I listened to their words it sunk in, that I could recuperate my health and not give up on the dream just because I’m taking some time away from the stage, and nor will I be forgotten while I do so.

So the resolution is this, I will continue to very much be involved in living the lifestyle but for my own health and wellness I’m going to be stepping away from the stage for a while. I will get my pro card, that I can assure you because I have set my mind to that goal and I believe in my heart that I’m worthy of such a title BUT I’m going to get on the right path before taking the risk of the stage again. This style of living can be hard and fast, risky yet rewarding, tough but invigorating but I all too much know the reality of pushing my body to the limits even if it has been determined that I was genetically predispositioned to having cushings and diabetes. With reading this, I am not here to deter your goals or talk maliciously about an aspect of my life that will ALWAYS be a part of it, but I want you to think about rushing and putting your body through hell when maybe there can be a smarter way to getting to your destination. Take it from someone who’s sick now… competing and being on stage is an incredibly pleasing accomplishment but with the reality of these beautiful lives cut short…please think about the process to getting under the lights in the safest way possible

Whatever the truth is on how these men really passed is not what matters here…whats important to have sunk in is that their lives were cut short and because of it, there is a black cloud over our sport at the moment. These amazing spotlights in our industry gave a hope and heart to a seemingly ego driven animal, one that can eat you alive and spit you back out without hesitation if you are naive to its beastly ways. What I admired about these men was their outreach to the people who didn’t have their accolades and no matter what their cause of death truly was outside of what the media tells us, they will be remembered for the impact, especially in my thoughts, they made in their followers’ lives.

May you rest in peace and watch over our community.

Inner Peace vs Pieces of you

It is a hot, sunny Thursday in August. I drove to work listening to Rhianna and applying my face paint in traffic…shifting through gears while my head went through all the stress I have in the fast lane of my life. Normal, mundane day at work in the motor vehicle world. Papers shuffing, hands marked by the countless ink stamps  I use, the reel on the printer constantly whirring as the clock ticks down to my end of day time punch. 7842. pin type ok. clock out . Quickly to my Jetta then make a break to Wally World, where I only go 10$ over budget for the week because I  decided to get sparkling water and teeth whitening rinse. But as I drove home, I was in slower motion…knowing what I was heading “home” to. There was a ticking time bomb awaiting within me and her… and as the conversation opened with “I am your mother”, my response was “only because of blood.”

Rarely do I ever get to the point of screaming…ever. I am much more of the “walk away until the other person has calmed down to be rational THEN you talk your feelings out”. I USED to be very aggressive, but as I ‘ve gotten older and more into my faith, I just don’t find it entertaining. I would just rather be thoughtful in my words or honestly I just keep to myself and let shit go… like things could be worse. BUT TONIGHT SOMETHING IN ME SNAPPED. And I mean cracked like an fuckin geyser, hot and full of pressure. I had reiterated being told that I was a burden to them, that I had interrupted their retirement, that I felt jilted by their behavior towards me. AND WITH COMPLETE AGREEANCE SHE SAID “YES YOU DID. You need to get out of my house if you continue bodybuilding and anything with the gym”…And that is when I started yelling.

Now, If and when I ever get to the point of shouting…I highly recommend you running for a zombie bunker and making sure ur stocked up on mre’s…because if I ever get to that emotional state of mind, shit is probably burning to the ground and the world will be turning the opposite upside down way… Looking back to about 20 minutes ago, I cant remember being that loud since I caught my x cheating on me with 22 women and lying about his military background…along with the facebook worthy jerking off video and stealing thousands from me but that’s a different saga… sorry rant haha had a moment…anywho… so its been about a yr and 9 months since yelling even once… I kid you not. But something unearthed within me once I heard the terms get out because of body building and with every once of my matter, I exploded  into a terror of a titan.

I don’t think she expected that… nor me saying some of what I did in response.Just like my father, the weights had torn us apart and I was left to choose between a peaceful me or picking up pieces of me. She would help my medical condition if I were to stay out of the gym, GO TO REHAB FOR MY ADDICTION TO THE IRON (I shit you not) and lead a “normal life” since being an athete lead me to being sick in the first place. No matter how much I preached about the countless ppl Ive helped through my condition, because I am ill I am nothing more than a fraud. The words cut deep as I was trying to open my mind to the thought that I was not only hearing that a mother wouldn’t help their sick child but that I was nothing more than an illness which made me into a burden for them. I dug my sharp nails in and with every vocal chord shaking from use, I laid in from all the pain in being rejected by not only one parent but 2, being told to chose between a love for myself and who I am to getting physically better to survive a more quality life. With my talons ripping flesh from her evil glare, I continued to let all the hurt out as the fear and reality of what I was about to face came into my visual. I knew not only would tonight change our future but the future with her mother, my gram, and that scared me to my core. If gram sided with mom…her daughter…that was for sure the end of me and with that fear I pummeled her even hard with verbal stones, making sure to leave my mark with every lashing.

The months of tension came to an end after I snapped out of it and physically backed away, Saying ok and putting my hands up. The normal Titan had returned to her sanity after realizing that in no way was I ever going to give up my lifestyle for theirs and with that succumbing to the notion that in 5 weeks I had to be out of the house, sickness and all. I understand where she is coming from with the concern about my disease because yes being an extreme competitor gave me this affliction but to not give credit to someone that doesn’t give up on their dreams and lives an exemplary (even though small world) life, killed me. For the past 6 days I’ve been laid up in bed due to complications with my condition and  I pushed off going to the doctor due to finances and even though she was completely aware of this, because I am an athlete and gave this to myself, I deserve it. WOW…that was even painful to write…. I need a minute to actually absorb that fact. checking out for a sec….

Like Ihad mentioned before, My mom has helped me in the past but to make me choose betgween a mother helping her child get better physically or giving up something, that while I can see was hurtful as one point but bloomed into something so magical, profoundly meaningful in her life is just something I cant accept…nor will I ever forget. My parents are unfortunately going to miss out on the beauty of the gift god gave me, to help heal others misfortuntes through teaching the belief within themselves. I can not let this break me. I’m not breakable. I, while flawed, have much to offer the world and am not a burden just because I am in need and the timing isn’t ideal for them. The hole in my heart will be fixed by the countless beautiful hearts I can rely on and my will to not give up something I love to have the approval of people who should love me for who I am. AND THAT STATEMENT APPLIES TO EVERY ONE OF YOU READING THIS.

DONT YOU EVER EVER!!!! STOP BEING YOU. BE GOD DAMN PROUD OF YOUR UNIQUE WAYS AND AWARE BUT WILLING TO WORK ON YOUR FLAWS. EMBRACE YOUR INDIVIDUALITY AND STAY PASSIONATE ABOUT YOUR DREAMS. DONT BE STIFFLED BY RIDCULE OR NORMS OF MONOGAMY. BE INSPIRED BY DIVERSITY AND THE ULTIMATE SATISFACTION OF LOVING YOU FOR YOU. NO ONE ELSE CAN TAKE WHAT IS YOURS BECAUSE ITS GOT YOUR NAME ON IT AND YOU CLAIM YOURSELF AS YOUR OWN. STAY TRUE TO THE POWER OF PRAYER AND BELIEF IN WHAT YOU REPRESENT, AND WHILE THERE ARE DAYS OF DOUBT WITHIN YOUR MISSIONS, REMEMBER THAT THE UNIVERSE IS TESTING THE LOVE YOU HOLD FOR THAT INNER WOLF WITHIN YOU.

I will walk away from this with a deeper appreciation for myself and the people who love me. Do I understand her pain for me? To a degree because yes my drive lead me to my condition but I would never watch my child suffer, especially when I know she’s trying with all her might to succeed and do the right thing. I hope one day she finds peace after I chose to have my own peace and maybe she will in time pickup the pieces of her instead of forcing me to pick up my own, as per her wishes.

I will only be better from this … I will rise. I will not fall. Ill one day…maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month, accept this and say “good luck in your retirement.”

 

Welcome Home

Two hundred twenty eight days it took… Nearly 2/3 of a year, dedicated to the prolific thought of my pro title. Months of sheer will, days of tiring monogamy, minutes of questioning after having to deal with my horrific affliction…but I kept on fighting. Whether it was out of pure stupidity or complete stubbornness, I did it. I got on stage and I brought the best package I could considering the circumstances I was dealt with. I still don’t understand what exactly happened during finals, but I left the city of sin with a fertile thought of my future. And while mildly upset, I came to terms with what had happened and as I boarded the steel vessel back to Jersey, I knew what I needed to do and was ready to get back to work. But when I landed back into my reality and settled in, I didn’t expect the rawness of negativity to be infiltrating my mindset like it was from external sources; nor did I anticipate that after all those days of dedication, I would be discrowned from my positive perch and labeled a failure.

I have the INCREDIBLE opportunity to motivate others with my life story. I never intended to build a platform based on strife but when I decided to open up to the world about events I had conquered, I not only healed my scars but I also helped so many mend their own wounds. It has given me a deeper understanding and sincerity for others, and also helped me to become more human after years of denying my own happiness. I treasure the messages that I receive and while I may not have the amount of followers as others, the social media influence I have is heartfelt and inspiring others means way more than the amount of likes my photos can get. It was quiet honoring that I had so many people following my attempt in Vegas, and after a somewhat questioning result, my “fans” were more upset then I was, blasting up my pages with love and countless messages of support. I had such an incredible feeling of gratitude that helped me come to terms with the fact that Las Vegas just wasn’t my time to win my title but all that quickly fizzled away once I sat in the passenger seat of my mother’s infinity.

1. I grew up not being close to my family. It wasn’t a “thing” for us. We would see each other on some holidays but besides for both of my grandmothers being present in my life and seeing my uncles kids once in a while, family wasn’t made a priority during my youth. As I got older and could see the VAST differences in me vs my blood relatives, I began to alienate myself more because my lifestyle was just not cohesive with theirs, nor did I really want to be around them because I had adopted friendships that were more like family at that point. My dad, as I have mentioned before, is not a part of my life. Over the past 5 months or so I TRIED with everything in me to open up to him, even meeting him multiple times for food ( I even paid for a birthday breakfast for him) but it all failed miserably after the conversation was ONLY about him every time and he never tried to contact me on his own…I had to reach out if I ever wanted to hear from him. It’s a shame because it’s all based on my looks, not being his ideal model daughter that he had planned out or the fact that I’m an athlete over a house wife. Reality is that I’ll never be the daughter he dreamt of and while I’m confident in the woman I’ve become, the beauty I see isn’t feminine enough for him. After years of rejection I’ve finally come to terms with it after I know I  gave my all into forming a bond with him again and realizing that he wasn’t the super hero I as a little girl thought him to be. I have the confidence to not let men treat me with that same thought and i learned a great deal from this. But when my mother started bashing me when she picked me up from the airport, I was COMPLETELY taken aback because I would have expected it from him, NOT her.

Now, remember… I grew up with my grandparents so the mother daughter relationship didn’t have a great foundation to start with but we both have been working very hard on building one since 2014, which I was excited about. While I highly doubt Ill ever be able to call and tell her something exciting about a boy or have a true heart to heart with her, we were able to go out to dinner and hold conversations or I could call her if I needed quick advice. When I was in NY she asked so many times for me to come home, after being on my own since 17, due to her worry, so when I finally caved in back in September of 2016, I had high hopes for getting closer with her… boy was I wrong.

I’m nothing but an inconvenience and burden I had been told… I had interrupted their lives (meaning my step dad and her) …this after I was yelled at for cooking in the house. (don’t even get me started on the blasphemy of why I’m not allowed to cook certain things or use their fridge or get constantly reminded that I’m taking up their space) For the first time in my life, I REALLY need help and while there are past moments where  have asked for assistance with things, now that I legitimately ill, I need help more than ever and boy do I get reminded of how I’ve hindered them. They especially have made my prepping life difficult instead of trying to appreciate my dedication or respect my journey. I’m very much elated that they have both found happiness within each other, for their prior spouses were both not complimentary for them, (they both deserved better treatment) but I sincerely got the shit end of the stick being the middle child in their bond.

“if you can find insulin in the desert, then you can figure out how you will get food for the week.” one of the comments I heard on our hour long drive back from Newark airport. ‘You got yourself sick, so now your stuck.” …I know that she’s concerned about my health but her delivery was absolutely appalling. I had spent so much money in Vegas on medical necessities and food going into the show, that I had next to no money for groceries and while she KNEW I had nothing in the fridge, because I gave myself this condition… rolling eyes… I could figure out how to eat. Let that marinate for a moment… Now let me bring up some more thinking points… This was the first semi vacay I’ve had in 6 years because I’ve been busting my butt surviving and investing my earnings in bettering my future instead of enjoying my 20s… 7 weeks prior to me going to compete in Vegas, my mother and step dad went on vacation IN VEGAS!!! for a week and even though I asked her to wait to go when I was heading there, her response was…this is mine and ed’s vacation, so no. (one of the few a yr) My money has been poured into my condition and even though she KNEW I needed test strips and needles, I could still figure out how to obtain them because “you’re the titan right?”… let’s not forget my mother, while I’m very proud of her for her work ethic and drive to earn what she does, has a lot of money and surely the means to help out but since being home…the two of them have been less than complimentary with their behavior towards me. I don’t have children but I would think as a parent if you see your child living an exemplary life and struggling due to an illness, a parent would want to help their child succeed and be healthy. This is my type of lifestyle and what makes me happy. They go out 3 nights a week, come home and sit in front of the tv for 6 hours straight, eat lean cuisines and popcorn everyday…that’s just not me, no matter how much she tells me I have no life due to the way I live my life. Go figure, I get more crap being in this body building world then when I was an alcoholic, spending my time with a bottle and carton of cigarettes while drowning in tears and hopelessness… oh the irony.

I get it. We are different, but in no way does that mean she shouldn’t be proud of me. I wasn’t expecting a ticker tape parade coming home, but I wasn’t even asked (even though they got take out THE NIGHT I CAME HOME) “hey Chris. you just worked your ass off for 8 months…can I buy you dinner?” All I got was a jar of peanut butter followed by an hour of bashing going home and one I’m sorry you didn’t get your procard, which was then followed by its now time to give this up and move on… you tried and it didn’t work so you need to do something else. Want to hear the CRAZIEST part of this? My friends (who I consider family) have taken me out to celebrate my achievements …even though I had no physical trophy… and they bought me groceries… because they were COMPLETELY shocked by the lack of support I came home to. I wasn’t expecting a good luck from my dad but to get such lack of respect from my mom and step dad was utterly disgusting.

I can’t figure out what as a child I have done to receive such rejection from my parents. I have multiple families who view me as their own child or part of their clan, so why do my blood relatives find me so off-putting? My brother was so spoiled growing up, never got in trouble and lived with us for years without pressure for rent while he had parties and received help but I’m a burden bc I interrupted their retirement plans?! I felt so lost… so hurt… the stress made my edema kick on hard and my condition escalated for 2 days to the point I was having trouble breathing but was I asked, “hey Chris are you ok?”… no… and she wonders why I refuse to talk to them right now.

I felt ok with the finality of Vegas but when I returned “home” the only comfort I had was in friends and their love for me and my drive. I had more backing from followers and fans then with my own flesh which that was a huge reality check for me. So I set aside goals to keep me from the negativity for the next 8 months before I start prep again… Not only will I be HYPER focused on bringing my mass back up and get my health under control, I will be saving every penny and dime to get back on my feet again…this after I move to a “family” members house after I get to the doctor next month. Being in such a toxic and unwelcoming environment not only will hinder my progress in the gym but with my health as well…and I’m lucky to have this family like many others, see my thriving in what I love to do and deal with my disease.

I’ve never been one for excuses… I have my moments of weakness but I get out of a situation if It’s not good for me so this instance isn’t an exception to that rule. I’m extremely lucky to have the option where I can pick up the phone and call a multitude of people, if needed, and they would be right there to help. They believe in me and love me for who I am, not criticize me for the admiration and confidence body building has given to me. While of course I have my flaws, these people are true treasures because they accept my good and bad points for what they are; human in nature while strong in character. Not everyone has what I have, so yes I may lack relationships that are crucial in development, but God granted me incredible people to fill up those voids that were created. Granted, there have been moments where my mother has helped but since coming home from the abominable circumstances I faced in NY, the aura of love has been stifled as our relationship took a turn from growing to burdening.

I tell you my story not to ask for pity or condolences…shit that is the last thing that I want. What I truly want to convey with my story is the notion in being grateful for what you are blessed with, and not to focus on the stress that is presented but the light around it. I may not be gifted with direct family support, but my lord do I feel the resonated power from the strong and unwavering fans and “become” family I have. It is actually stifling how breathless at times I’m left to after reading the copious amounts of messages from inner and outer circles, and it leaves me humbled to think how lucky I am. In times where I’ve gotten so wrapped up in trying to accomplish my goals, I still had my support crew in the pits ready and willing to help if I needed it… and man, does my heart beat harder from that passion.

I love what I do and where it has gotten me. At times, yes my disease is hard to deal with but it has also gotten me the opportunity to bless others lives and better myself through strengthening my mission. When I do question or stagger in moments of weakness, I just take a breath to gather my thoughts and realize how much I do have.

Be one with your mission. Recognize how fruitful life is when you can interpret what you do have vs what you don’t. The power that can have in the universe is extraordinary compared to living in negativity day in and out. Watch what can happen 🙂

❤ Titan