The permanency in change

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
― Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein

The subject of change is a funny one. We strive to change the world but are uneasy about modifying ourselves. We want other people to conform yet we individually resist adaptation. We preach revolutions to the world but have trepidation about going to war within ourselves. So why is it that the human race is so eager to exhort the idea of change yet when life makes us use plan B, C, D and so on people tend to freak the fuck out?  Statistics have shown that humans resist quick changes but feel it ok to permit longevity in change, being documented that our species will bypass leaving unhealthy relationships, taking risks at new careers, diving into ourselves to develop our characters all in fear of our comfortable norm. Let’s face it, we like being complacent and hearty in our symphatic states and when life forces us to change ourselves or our contented environments, most of the population has a tough time handling it…MOST.

My life would not be categorized in the most group.

Throughout my life, one thing has remained perpetual amongst the craziness…change. I have weathered quite a number of storms, navigating the tempestuous waves of vicissitude without hesitation and going full force into the following area of unknown. There has always been this ability to feel more comfortable with the idea of having to get up and leave or switch my situation at a moments notice than if I had to stay somewhere or with someone for too long. Getting attached is frightening to me, no matter if it is to an inanimate object or to a warm blooded soul, the thought of investing emotions into a permanent structure is very foreign in comparison to how my life has unfolded. It’s not that I am disloyal to my loved ones but that I find it difficult to grow close with people so the simple fear of attachment paralyzes me. Most people value set in stone situations and forever relationships but the mere thought of marriage, buying a house or even having traditions puts me into a stage of panic. For a person who has moved just under 30 times in 13 years, it’s safe to say About the only things I view as having any solidity in my life’s path thus far is my ability to push through any obstacle standing in my way.

I conditioned myself for years to void out emotional connections and condition my mindset of a legit warrior. While it played out well in many circumstances, allowing me the ability to separate emotions from reality, it also dampened my range of self entitlement to love and grace in empathy. I have grown so hardened from actions that I have disregarded my own sympathy as well as found it hard to give others the excuses that sometimes life needs to render…which has become my Achilles heal.

June 2018 comes and that ability to resist change has been altered, dramatically. My life seemed to literally collapse and there was nothing that I could have done to prevent one of the most devastating times I have been through.

Job scam, robbery, long term relationship break up, no health care, loss of home, had to give away dog… one event after the next in a very short term period finally broke free the encasement I had put my emotions under. While I was used to not getting used to things, I had finally given much hope (without realizing it) to an actual real life, one that didnt involve the chains of peril or misfortune. There was a future. I had a promise for a career, money in my bank account, insurance, a roof over my head, a man who cared about my well being…so many things I had asked god for and then, change occurred. Now normally it would have been ” OK shit happens. Pick up your big girl pants and get through it. ” I would cry no tears or even give a single whim of thought to regret but since I had this hope, this perception, this all inviting attitude to what my life was transpiring to be… the dramatic turn of events devastated me to my core and stripped me of the one thing I have been proud of most, my strength to persevere.

Fast forward to now, August 7th and I don’t know if many people would recognize me now. Haggard by lack of sleep being on couches, traumatized by another disillusioned dream, bewildered by the thought of all that transpired…I’m less titan and more human than ever. The girl who could once easily resist the temptation of negativity was now consumed by utter failure, to the point that my nightmares of stagnancy in my goals had become my reality. I’ve been known for years as that girl…that fighter… that non stop powerhouse that just always had shitty luck. It wasn’t me story telling to get pity but literally just vocalizing my real life struggles to motivate others that got me to the titan name but now with the truth of my current status transcribed in what seemed like stone, my once fortressed heart had been plundered by unfortunate circumstances. My once eager to thrive attitude now consumed with grief, for the first time ever I debated the right to live as the words my mother spoke to me replayed in my head “you are a burden to the world”

Even as I type this, the words pouring from my finger tips feel alien like. I have spoken in the past with such motivating eloquence that transcribing talk of negativity is unfamiliar to me. I accepted being put on this earth to help others through my struggle but I never thought that after years of changing and evolving through my experience, I’d be back where I started, homeless and scared. But as I take a big breath and sigh with sorrow, I realize that I can blame myself to a certain degree; I fell for the job scam because I was blinded with hope. I ended my relationship because I allowed things to snowball out of control. I built a life in my head without actually starting it first; so I too played a roll in the demise of my expectations.

From all of this I am learning that being too hard can actually break you even more. I placed this connotation in my mind that resiliency meant being devoid of emotional attachment to anything, when in actuality it’s the opposite. If I were to have allowed feelings of loss, remorse, defeat then I could have grown to leave vacancy for moments of devastation in where I’ve learned how to cope besides for avoiding the situation at hand. Funny isn’t it? How I’ve been through so many horrid circumstances yet the way I thought to cope with them was actually preventing me from countering them in the future.

I luckily have a great support system even though I have become somewhat of a loaner. I put on a smile, to show what I am known for, but I have disconnect from many. Nothing done from their part to deserve it but I find I prefer to be alone more often than not due to it being easier not to be vulnerable through trust. I have a roof over my head due to a good friend and her family along with being given a job just days after my life shattered, which I’m both very grateful for. I just am in such a state of shock and pain that being around others while hearing about their fortunes is eating at my soul…and I have never been petty like that. I wish others nothing but fortune, health and love but lately I wake up everyday in such a state of dismay that I would rather alienate myself then fester in negativity derived from others prosperity.

I often write to motivate the masses, whether it be through words of wisdom, stories of triumph, engagements of learning… but today I solely type to tell a story of confession. Hopefully in some way it encourages others to learn from my mistakes and tales of misfortune, to lend a hand in feeling grateful to have simple things like food, a roof over your head, a healthy body, a loving family, a way to provide for yourself and a good attitude. This sudden changed pained my heart and still has to the point that I’ve been in a daze, fighting to sleep but contending to stay awake in a world void of meaning at the moment. I try to make everyday a one with spirit but right now I need to find mine again.

The word #holdstrong has never had so much force before in my life. I just need to remember it and fortify it when I feel weak. I’m taking one day at a time and I’m hoping life will throw me a bone so I can gain my faith in humanity and the man above once again.