Act not react

Every morning that we have the Blessed opportunity of waking up we are also given the opportunity to make our first of many decisions throughout the day. As we wipe the sand out of our eyes we have the choice of hitting the snooze button or waking up to be at work on time, from picking out what color to wear to deciding whether to eat a pop tart or an egg white, to texting the ex boyfriend even though you know he will break your heart again, to finishing that email of your resignation to your disrespectful boss, to take the shortcut to work  even though you know it’s the more dangerous route, and the list goes on and on but whether it is a simple decision like how you want your coffee at Starbucks to deciding whether or not to quit your job we all have decisions throughout our day that could affect our lives big or small. On The Daily we all have the power to make our own choices and take Control of our lives but we never think that the little decisions could affect our lives in a great magnitude. Hell when I’m ordering my iced mocha frapa capa frente sweet Thang from whatever coffee shop I never think that if I do this over a Year’s period of time I could develop diabetes or gain 15 pounds but that is just a small decision that could surmount into a lifelong complications. I’m not rambling I’m just setting a certain scenario for you that little tiny decisions we make such as our coffee choices could add up or for that matter spiral down to make our lives suffer in the long run.

As a competitor every day I have to wake up with a mindset of to do. There’s no excuses that can be made, it’s just not in our DNA. As athlete we need to wake up with a go-getter attitude, put on blinders on and just do what needs to be done to accomplish the goal at hand. All of our actions need to be in tune with what we are trying to achieve and how the everyday operations will add up to our future when it’s not a question of if but more it will. For some that pressure can be too much and the stress of it makes some act out or cave in because they aren’t strong enough to hold that merit. But then there are others who are not only born with the ability but God  has given them enough obstacles in life to be able to drive past the restaurant that has the food they’re craving or wake up on a day they’re not feeling good to get in their fasted cardio or saying no to peer pressure when they are called a pussy for staying in to be able to lift early the following morning. Anyone literally anyone can make the decision to step up on stage or try to be in a body builders life but only time will tell if they have the potential to live the life I live every single day. It’s not easy and I’m going to tell you right now it’s a lifestyle not a six-month venture and anyone who’s been doing this and taking it seriously for a short amount of time can sniff out when someone really wants it or someone is acting like they really want it.

Friday night I sat in my parked car and stared at an open sign for over in half an hour, fiddling with my wallet and credit card debating whether to walk in and give up everything that I’ve been working towards because of where my life stands currently. As I flipped the plastic around in my calloused hands, I debated back and forth whether all of this was worth continuing. Even though I love what I do over the past few weeks my life has changed greatly and with all that is come a lot of emotion has, brinking on the wave of making me insane. Nothing seemed to be curing my pain and considering the fact that I have really bad communication skills when it comes to reaching out for help, I felt weak with doubt. I know that with all God has given me I’m the farthest from that but for the first time in almost 2.5 years I wanted to turn to alcohol to release my pain. As the neon signs glared into the darkness of my car interior a million thoughts swam around my head… my heart pained from all the commotion that I had suffered from recently and it began to tear me down. I’m one of the strongest human beings that I know but it can also be very detrimental to my health because with that everyone turns to me, which is a catch 22. While I have a fantastic skill of being a listened, over time I get fed up with people because they complain about the stupidest situations that they cause for themselves, creating drama in their own lives when they have the innate ability to stop their own environmental stresses. There’s only so much my tolerance can take before I’m like OK do something about it so when I want to reach out to someone about my problems I find it difficult because I don’t want people to think that I’m ever weak or they couldn’t count on me to be strong for them. So when I clammed up recently, the only thing I could think of at that point was to turn back to an old friend; a bottle of cool and crisp relief that seem to put a bandaid on all of my troubles and the agony i suffered from. An old alibi that when my world seems so crazy and so far-fetched I could easily just sip my problems away and deal with them in the morning. But as I fidgeted with my credit card, tempted by an old familiar friend, something in me kept me from making that decision to drink. Maybe it was my grandmother in the back of my head, saying Chris really you’re going to throw away everything to go back to your addiction when you know that’s not what you deserve.( I could literally hear the disappointment in her voice as her ghost Bounced from right ear to the left ear inside my head) or it could have been the fact that I’ve been dieting for a year-and-a-half and why would I want to blow all that time spent working toward a goal to go back to something that only made my life in actuality worse due to all the trouble I got in because of it’s tempting and devilish ways. Maybe it was the fact that everyday I motivate someone. That I get the absolutely beautiful gift of helping to inspire someone to be better themselves from rising above any bad situation and making a positive influence in their lives and to others. Or maybe, maybe it was the fact that God was there with me that night, trying to teach me a lesson. The lesson that I can easily be tempted by my past, easily be tempted by a familiarity that comforted my weary soul filling not only my stomach but my heart when it has literally empty from people but filled with torture. Whether it’s me seeing the phantoms of my past or The Willpower that has built me into the athlete and individual I am today, I left the parking lot of that Yonkers liquor store and headed the ShopRite to buy my tilapia and veggies…

One of my biggest problems that I face is I’m not very good with handling feeling weak. Unfortunately due to certain circumstances my life has presented to me I have blocked the ability to be able to shed tears and I’m not trying to sound funny by saying that. I actually cannot cry. I joke around about it and say that a situation makes me want to make me bawl my eyes out, but I don’t hold the human capability of being able to release my emotions appropriately or how any person should be able to, through tear drops falling. I have yet to figure out how to let down those walls that I have put up over years of angst so in turn I usually just stay within myself and turn to my work ethic in achieving my goal. Sadly when my life went to hell in the past 2 weeks the gym wasn’t enough and being in prep for a national-level show that pressure didn’t help the situation…. which led me to an empty parking lot in front of a liquor store that was about to close debating whether to make a life-altering decision to hold a $20 bottle in my hand and chug away my pain. The worst part about all this is I’m not even phased by alcohol anymore. I can go to a bar or I can go to a party and not be slightly tempted to indulge in the banter that’s going on around me, but it scared me to think that I could get to the point where I couldn’t reach out to someone but I could reach toward the silver slick tequila bottle. What had literally gotten me to the point of thinking that I was too strong to reach out to other people but in actuality weaker than anyone that I knew because I didn’t have the ability to be real with myself and allow my emotions to be real with me??… deep shit ehhhhh. Try dealing with all of these thoughts while you’re dieting really really hard….and just want pancakes. ..

I woke up Saturday morning and made another decision to just go hit the weights. I needed to be by myself, put on my music and hit my favorite body part, legs. I needed to exhaust my brain and body so much so that I didn’t think about the night before, that I almost gave in to what had presented itself in my life again. I was pained by the fact that I was even lured in to parking in that parking lot, still looking at that sign… still holding a credit card in my hand when I don’t have extra money to spend to buy something that would literally take away my chances at being a pro and cause a Snowball Effect to my life. I lifted my pain away which I typically do anytime that I’m feeling down, so I was back to my normal self and with the feeling of exhaustion, pain relief came. I went back home and thought to myself I need to change this. I need to make the right decision for myself… this is an opportunity in the making… obviously this didn’t break me so I need to use this type of situation to my advantage. I had the perfect opportunity to let myself go, the perfect opportunity that no one would know about; that I could keep Secret and still allow the people in my life to think I was the strongest person they know and while I questioned my strength the night before with how I deal with things, as I let the warm water of the shower fall upon my tired body I realized I’m one of the fiercest people I know. I just have a few things I need to tweak to be even better and more viable to help others and help myself in the long run.

It’s very easy to let the devil influence our daily decisions. Human temptation is upon us and with us in every action that we make and it’s not only you that will be effected in the long run from your small decision-making. It can also be your partner, your family members, the people who you influence. Everyone can be affected by your simple decisions, or what you think to be simple.  We wage wars within ourselves and we all contemplate what is the best way to take… if I should make a left or right in my life and while some of us ponder the resolution more than others, you should all really be aware that every action you take has a reaction in return. What if I did take that drink on Friday night? What if I did go home and chug down that drink to ease my anxiety? Maybe I would have skipped the workout the next day to buy another bottle and maybe I wouldn’t be sober right now writing this blog. Who knows what the future could have held for me but I know in the depths of my soul that being an addict is not who I am and while it may have been who I was and it may always be a part of my life, I am more than what my past has written out for me and I will continue to push back those Temptations to make myself better for me and for anyone that comes into my life, for I take the responsibility of taking control of my destiny.

Reality is not easy. Pain and suffering in some form will attach itself to you but the decisions we make in that moment can and will affect us for the rest of our lives if you act with an emotion and not within a sane head.  You can take the high road which tends to not be the easiest or you can take the low road which Maybe much simpler in the short-term but remember this: anything worth having and anything worth achieving isn’t instantaneous. So next time you have the amazing opportunity of waking up and wiping the dreams out of your eyes from the prior night, have the attitude to set yourself up for a win with every decision you make, whether it be a food choice or a new job opportunity, think before you react…be pensive, be realistic. I’m speaking from experience and you will thank me when you see the benefits in your resolution.

The “Fuck It” factor

With each year passing, human beings are engineered to mature; whether it be in mind, body or heart. We are programmed to learn, understand, grasp life’s lessons and in turn grow from circumstances, good or bad. As the lines in our faces dig deeper with time, the mind becomes fatter with knowledge and the understanding that our mistakes make us wiser rather than more foolish in retrospect.

That’s how it should work anyway…does it always…no… and my god am I a witness to such human travesty.

If you were to have asked me a year ago when I moved to New Rochelle, New York where my life would be today, fat chance I would have EVER imagined being in Yonkers, staying at a friend’s house while I try to piece back together the lost legos that make up my scattered life. It’s a catch 22 really. From he circumstances in the past year I have found myself in so many ways while I lost time in others. Not only did I develop a sense of loyalty to my own voice, but I gained a ton of respect from the character I exude, landing me 2 lucrative sponsorships, a roof over my head and a support system that even I can’t deny. (If you read my prior blogs you’ll see that when I’m really perturbed about things, I clam up and have horrible communication efforts with people) I found myself through the struggle, and with that came the “fuck it” mentality that basically states, if you’re not for me than fuck it and leave. Even though I’ve had my fair share of struggle in life (God, you best be preparin me for one heck of a comfy spot above) it wasn’t until this past year that I became confident in who I am today, giving me the push to propel me forward and past the people who are hell-bent on holding me back.

I often lay awake at night pondering why I moved to New York, what lead me so far from my happiness and where would it lead me to in the future. I toss reasons around in my perplexed cerebrum, dancing between positive and negative outcomes but in the end it solely comes to one resolution…ready for the shocker…wait for it…my gym. Yup, as simplistic as it sounds, it’s the real truth. Without Xtreme, I highly doubt I would be where I am in my thought process or in my body building career. And it’s not really the location or the fact that it has so much equipment to offer, but more the people who I have surrounded myself with, who have allowed me to call it home, who constantly push me to my limits, physically and mentally, to make me into a better athlete and person. They helped reaffirm my fleeting confidence with all that happened here and as the clock hands tick forward, the future looks brighter just from having this 30 thousand square foot menagerie to call home every day.

As I prepare once again to take the stage at the biggest show in my career history (yes I placed 4th at Universe before but that show wasnt planned to do and I was just grateful to be there) I think about the struggle to get to being 6 weeks out from a chance at the title I’m longing for. Do I think I deserve it? Fuck yes. Why? Because while like many athletes I have worked hard to be there, I also shed a light on the underdog of the industry, hoping to be a role model and honor that well known acronym. There are days that I have scrounged for money because work has been so scant in NY BUT I was determined to uphold decency for if a young girl were to google my name, nothing demonstrative of my character would appear. I’ll tell you one thing, being honest and sound in morals isn’t always the easiest choice and even though I possess the new fuck it attitude, I still won’t jeopardize my true soul for a chance to get ahead.

With all the change that has happened in the past week (moving, becoming single again, keeping up with prep, new job coming) staying focused and strong hasn’t been a piece of cake…speaking of which I wish I could nose dive right now…anywho…The emotional turmoil of being a person who cares about others has finally totalled up and the stress of it all prevented my body from functioning correctly yesterday. Tired and forced to rest, it gave me too much time to think, which for an individual who is a worry-wart and over thinker in general, it made for an interesting conversation in this blonde’s noggin. Not only do I have to start over completely but I’m in prep for a resolution I’ve been longing for years to obtain, easy shit right?! Walk in the freakin park. I smile though while saying that because if there wasn’t some sort of chaos during this process to peel, than it wouldn’t be my life now would it? It’s all about perspective and let me tell you, while my heart may be recently crushed, my belongings tucked away in a storage container and awaiting the forever yellow light to turn green light at my dream job, I’m still waking up for cardio in the mornings and saying “fuck it” to the people who have done their number on me since coming to NY…but would you expect anything less from a girl dubbed the Titan? I didn’t think so.

I sip on my hot black coffee, feet up and counting down the minutes until my short break from life ends, thinking how lucky am I to be graced a free roof over my head, a meal prep sponsorship to feed my slimming figure and the ability to reach for my phone and type in a multitude of names if and when I’m ready to talk because many of them are awaiting a response to their efforts to help me. That fuck it attitude I developed really showed me who I can count on, who is sincerely sorry for their wrongs towards me and who I can basically say fuck you to. At 28, I can honestly say who I am, strengths and flaws, while being realistic yet hopeful about what my present and future is. I have the capability of caring for people while dismissing the past, something I didn’t know was possible for me after the magnitude of grotesque individuals I have intersected in my young life, when once I was too scarred to invest really in any form of a relationship. The once timid little girl, became a determined baby beast, one formidable on the stage and under the bright lights of life’s center stage. It’s honorably invigorating to know what you deserve in life and when I finally set standards, gained by realizing my own inadequacies versus what others forced upon me, I registered my worth and how I now demand to be treated…something many were pleasantly or unpleasantly shocked by.

We have a choice in how we conduct ourselves, no one has that power over us unless we give that to them through our own lack of confidence. that being said, I learned many a hard lesson from not knowing my own virtues. If there was a true purpose to coming to NY it was that I unraveled my tongue from the trap it was caught in. I caught myself before I fell too hard in a web of denial from the situation I kept myself in and now vow to NEVER be in again. I have something to work for, a core group of people who make me feel at home in my iron castle and the fortunate ability to relinquish my past demons from the gates of hell I locked them in by realizing my potential and faith in God. You have the capability to have the fuck it mentality but do you have the aptitude to seize it?