“Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.”
Pope John XXIII
In life, do we rarely get the opportunity to accomplish a dream unless our eyes are sharpened enough to notice the moment. Many go through their lives passing by roads of fortuity, manipulated by life’s stress or blinded by negativity, which cause people to miss crossing paths with progress. But If you were to see the occasion to risk it all for the chance of true accomplishment, would you take it? Sounds like an easy question to answer… But When you factor in all that it would take to “seize the moment”, the weaves and waves that could possibly be presented, are you daring enough to throw all to the wind for the liberty of success?
The first three days after winning the Atlantic States and accomplishing my original goal were that of pride. I was more in shock still from the thought of actually accomplishing what I had set out only to originally do. As the days passed, though, the reality of the next challenge sunk in. While the Atlantic States is a huge show and a very big success in the world of competing, I was now qualified to compete in a National Level tournament, fighting for the number one spot against fellow winning competitors. While daunting of a task to throw myself back in the ring, I had an even bigger worry on my hands..how the hell was I going to financially and mentally hold it together to perform AND compete at such a high level when my bank account and brain were fried from the longevity of the last prep. I paced back and forth in my apartment, not sleeping due to the frustrations on my mind. I couldn’t help but turn into the typical hyperventilating over-anxious Tina because while I yearned to do this show, my bank account screamed “enough squeezing my sack! I’m tapped out!” I had to think fast but with that comes my tendency to get frantic, which never does any good because for a person who is an accomplisher by many means, when I get frazzled I’m like a squirrel after a nut…crazy.
After a few days of being paranoid but still focusing on doing the show, by the grace of God I was able to figure out a couple of ways to get the figures together to be able to pay the high expenses necessary to compete the second time around. Refocused and still living off the fat eaten post win from Atlantic States, I was able to power through the week, lifting and doing what I could cardio wise to keep my momentum going. Now that I had the security of being able to do the show, I had to make sure I could perform athletically for it. Doing back to back shows isn’t a simple task but coming off the high of winning, made things a bit easier. I was tired but I knew I had to keep pushing to be able to have a small chance of doing well. I was a bit concerned about my size, considering I had already dieted down, and I didn’t want to stand on stage looking like a shredded teeny tiny fool. This would be my first NATIONAL level show and I wanted to make an impact…if I was going to be smaller I was going to come in freakin mighty. Oddly enough with all the strict dieting, come friday before the show, I was surprised when my coach decided to hand me a cheat meal. Putting excess calories in me the day before depletion is going completely against all things I’ve ever heard of but I did what I was told and ate the meal. Ironically the fats help me power through depletion and come carb loading I was looking and feeling great…physically. Mentally I was nerves…as usual considering I’m such the perfectionist. Protocol is that the days where you’re eating carbs, you are to rest and relax to allow the carbs to refill the fullness and glycogen in the muscle…that’s protocol. For Ms. Antsy pantsy, this seemingly easy duty of lounging is much easier said then performed. I can’t stand not doing anything for large amounts of time due to how my mind tends to play tricks on me. I literally had to have one of my friends come over to force me to rest, disciplining me for not putting my legs up and eating at certain times.
Morning of check in arrived and as I waited in line with my former teammate I couldn’t help but notice my competition. I knew who I was competing against by their stature and the competitive edge that I was told to turn off was turn on full blast. These women were HUGE…I mean down sizing from body building ginormous. Instantly my Napoleon complex kicked in and anxiety shot through the roof after hearing that there wasnt a body building class for women. Finding this out made doom a reality because these mamajama women would be competing in the physique class…damned to hell I was sent. How the freak was I supposed to make my mark on stage against women whose legs weighed as much as me! As I moped out of the hotel to make my way to see coach, I felt deflated because I knew that I would have a tough shot to even place against women of that size. See the physique look and what the industry is shooting for is substantial on stage but feminine and extremely cut…smaller then a body builder but tighter and more athletic than a figure girl. The reason why I was fretting so much was because I knew in the back of my head that with so many women coming down from body building they would have to judge the class on majority rather than the certain body that would typically fit what the NPC is looking for. As I sauntered into the tanning booth, naked to my coaches eye, she assured me that I was ready for battle and that with my conditioning I could really give them a run for their money…but as she tanned me up I wasnt only cold from the spray but from the feeling of defeat.
Truth is im not normally as deflated thinking as I was that day. I’m a fighter at heart and in a normal challenging situation I thrive upon the battle at hand. I think just from pure exhaustion from mentally and physically over training, my emotions just got the best of me. When I returned home, I sat and blindly watched tv, trying to ignore the inner worries sparked by what I had seen earlier. I began texting an old friend, a pro in the sport, and he told me one thing that he knew would amp me back up… “There is nothing the Titan can’t do”
I woke up friday morning, day one of Team U, with that saying repeating in my head. It’s funny how a meer phrase can get you back on track and in-game mode after what felt like an automated defeat. Forward thinking T. forward thinking. Time flew by that day. Make up and lashes set, Hair fixed and sprayed pat, game face on and by the time I knew it, I was backstage shoving m&ms in my face and pumping up. I was texting pictures and checking in with a couple of people to ensure I was on point and when they called us for line up I took a look in my mirror, gave myself a wink and got in line.
*** Waiting in line***
“T….this is it mama. You just nailed the competition 2 weeks ago. You’re the best you can be. You’re the Titan. Fuck the big bitches. Show em’ small and mighty is a force to be reckoned with…ahhh shit I got to pee again…”
And within the blink of an eye, I was prancing off stage. It went THAT fast. See at a competition where there are over 900 competitors, judges are getting you in and out but I nailed it. Posing was on point and I looked great but my pip squeak size I knew was going to be my downfall. Typically when judging, they put first in the middle and move the others sequentially so when they kept me over in “last place” my heart sunk. Trick here was that the head judge didn’t roll his dice the way a normal competition would run so I was confused about what was going on. I meandered my way to the competitor area in a somber head bow, not knowing where to go mentally from here. Coming from a phenomenal win at a HUGE show like the Atlantic to having no clue where I stood on a national level wreaked havoc on my brain. I began to question myself…should I have done things differently? Should I not have done the show? Did I just embarrass myself? I hung out with some of the other competitor friends I had post stage, trying to avoid the fact of returning to my hotel room to be alone and have my mind wander. I wasn’t myself. I was being very negative and not thinking in the Titan mindset I am familiar with. But soon I was stuck with my head and heart in the hotel room, alone and mind racing. After a meer few minutes I couldn’t take the thoughts and loneliness so I decided to venture around the hotel room and check everything out. As I wandered through the grounds, I came across a young man who looked like an athlete who was down on his luck. I decided to reach out and after speaking to him for only a couple of minutes, I could understand why he had the look of sorrow on his face. He had been traveling across the country and unfortunately the airlines had misplaced his luggage carrying all the die-hard necessities that competitors need to function, including his food! Luckily, I’m an over packer and had brought tons of extra food so I went back to my room and gave him a ton of it. God had placed him in my path for a reason and it was time for me to pay forward all the gifts I had recently been given. He walked out of my room, arms full of food and a smile on his face, and as I closed the door, my anxieties left right behind him. There were much more life moments to concern my thoughts with then to berate myself with negative emotions that no one but myself placed upon me. What was more important was the value of my heart being in the same place it had always been, kind, and whether I won or lost this show it didn’t take away from the place I had brought myself to…which contained more substance then a trophy. I had a long talk with my coach soon after, releasing my frustrations about the day and what had gone through my mind earlier. While concerned, she knew that a stern pep talk was just what I needed and that my capabilities as an athlete and stage diva far out ranked what had gone up against me. She reassured me of the things I already knew but chose to allow the bad demons to distract me from. When I finally gave way to sleep later that evening, I dreamt of the journey I had taken to get here and my goals to push even harder the next day of competing.
Next day I awoke and got news from my coach that due to how flat I was the day before it was time for me to eat!!!! (you could have shoved toffee and siracha crusted pig intestines in front of me at that point and said I would have devoured it to make sure I did well at the night show) So I got up, went to the local diner and ate a double hamburger , no bun with turkey bacon, avocado and ff…and devoured it all!!!! The hardest part about it was not being able to drink water to gulp all the sodium down…but I managed just fine. About 10 minutes after eating, I looked down at my legs and saw just what my coach had been diabolically planning…my veins becoming a freak show to the masses. Satiated and looking like a flabotomist’swet dream, I got back to the prep area, got retanned and war painted and had the absolute wonderful surprise of my best friend coming to hang out with me to deter my mind from going completely crazy with worry. We ate and reminisced, laughing and taking me away from the daunting reality of the stage. The most moving part of this was when out of the blue my mother and gram decided to make the hour journey to see me too…and considering my mother hasn’t been a part of my life for years, to have all three of them together to support me in a monumental moment like this was something that I will always remember. Time winded closer to the night show and as I said goodbye to them, I knew that I was about to hit battle mode again. I called my pro friend, got some words of accomplishment after sending out some photos and got ready…primping my hair and adjusting my suit for the unexpected. I remember looking in the mirror at what I had accomplished, and while I was bringing a smaller package then desired to the lights, I was proud of my reflection. I was not only looking at Tina the athlete, but I was looking at a warrior…a Titan…a strong woman who didn’t allow life’s worries to take away from taking a chance at my dream. My attitude had changed back into the girl I knew, because as I walked out the hotel room I left the worry behind. Whether I won or lost that night, I was a champion for giving it my all.
**Ladies only the top 5 will do their minute routine**
YOU’RE FUCKIN KIDDING ME RIGHT?! You’re telling me that if I don’t place i don’t get to the do the ONE thing I’m phenomenal at? (brushing off shoulders) After COMPLETELY ad-libbing my routine at Atlantic states (even though after watching the video it came out flippin awesome) I want to bring it to the stage…and against these monstrous women, I highly doubt I’ll even place…god damn it…i just want to walk off stage now and soak myself in a tub of peanut butter, smoke a joint (because I’m that stressed) and get fat off of anything not related to fish products or unsalted card board rice cakes…
That is what was going through my head…
UNTIL…I saw my expediting buddy Ryan backstage give me the head nod and the wink…then I knew…I was about the perform. Seconds later they called my name and number and when the lights warmed my tanned skin, I took a deep breath and let the glare of the audience engulf my body. For those 60 seconds I was just matter, grazing over the worn stage…no thoughts engulfed my mind, no negativity penetrated my spirit. For those rare moments I was free and not trapped within myself. When the music stopped and the crowd roared, I got the reaction I had hoped for from the judges, complete astonishment in their faces. To see my hard body on stage, prance around so gently made an impact because the delayed clapping due to their fixation was EXACTLY the effect I was going for. If I couldn’t be seen on stage with my size, I was sure to be noticed in my finest of moments, dancing. Breathless with passion, I bowed and was lead off stage, immediately congratulated by my peers and competition. The response I received was invigorating and when they called us back to the stage for awards, I knew that even if I didn’t win my pro card, I had accomplished something wonderful, a placement in my first national ranked show. When they called my name for fourth, there wasnt any cynical thoughts, not a second of feeling failure. I had hardware in my hand, stating I did it. I went for my dream and while I didn’t obtain the desired goal, I gave it my best effort and THAT was something to be proud of.
There’s a moment though that I will never forget, as I walked off stage in awe. A woman, stranger to me, came up to me asking why I was so happy to be placed only at fourt…my response? ” I just placed in my first National show. What have you done today?”…The Titan was back.
I meandered my way outside to find one of my closest friends, hugging her with such shock and shaking hands from disbelief. nearly 20 months of hard work brought me home 2 trophies and a hell of a story to tell and to share that moment with my training partner who fought her way through it with me was seconds in time I’ll never forget. We attempted to take photos but with the slew of on lookers coming up to congratulate me after watching my dance routine, we gave up to enjoy the response from the audience. So many people were eager to tell me how I was jipped during placement and how they couldn’t believe my conditioning versus some of the other competitors but at that point their fire against my low placement was hotter than mine, because I was truly satiated with the 4 place trophy I held in my hand. It may have been only a cheap piece of plastic to some (you would think the NPC would give something a bit nicer with all the dough we fork out to compete in this federation) but to me it was a beacon of engagement to my accomplishments and nothing could take away from that moment.
I spent the rest of the night eating and drinking Champaign with another one of my close #fitfam friends, feeling a bit of normalcy while we bitched about unfaithful men or engorged ourselves with belly thundering laughter. She brought me all the foods I had been craving, from protein peanut butter waffles to artic freeze ice cream, then taking me out to the local diner for wings and other odds and ends to fill my 6 pack to a keg. It was bitter sweet because while my family, coach and boyfriend neglected to share that moment with me, I had shared it with some of my closest friends, from backstage to post performance…and I had made bonds for life.
I woke up the next morning, fat and happy…not a care in the world to plague my mind. Honestly it was one of the most saturating and fulfilling days of my life. I went to see my pro friend King after checking out from the hotel and did what I do best, trained like a fuckin animal. Using the post stage nom noms and adrenaline driven placement as fuel, I destroyed my workout all with a huge smile radiating from my sun-kissed face. With the king yelling in my ear for one last rep, I used the power from the last couple weeks to make him proud and to remind myself why I received a standing ovation from the crowd.
~ It’s been almost three months since that moment took place. I’m heavy into my off season and working off of the feedback I had gotten from the judges at Team U. I’m more head strong then ever, training to maximum capacity and opening up my mind to a plethora of knowledge being offered to me. It’s a new history being written, a battle fighting for more as I take on the even bigger challenge of going for my card in South Carolina come May of 2015. I’m an upgraded version of the old Titan, still similar in tenacity but more mature in process. I’m making decisions based on my planned future and with the pressure of sponsors and a following, I’m determined to do right by them and stay carrying myself in the way i was brought up, with respect for the journey and the occasions that come along the way. God put me on this path after my knee crippled because he had bigger, more meaningful plans for me and as I experience the joy of coaching while I prepare myself for the stage, i realize how valuable the gift of suffering has really been to me. For I am on the track to success, slow and steady, being guided by love and passion for what I represent and will continue to uphold, my dignity.
I have 14 weeks until I start dieting for the next set of judges and I’m bringing in a more mature and refined package, wrapping it in layers of nutrition and hard work during these next couple of months. I will make myself and my loved ones proud again by keeping my character and body in tact, showing the NPC community and world that body building is not only an ego driven sport, but a catalyst for trumping the doubt that can sometimes seize the soul. While I gnaw through the next few weeks, eating and lifting to my hearts consent, may my words grow along with my being and capture all that leads up to my return to the stage.
I want this. I feel this. I am this. i know this.
O.M.G. on my grind 