D-Day

6/21/14

1:48 am

Feeding time.

For most of the evening it’s been an alarm clock regiment of snooze, scarf, slightly sip, scrutinize and repeat. I eat like it’s my only job in life,everything planned and portioned to the T. (like I could really have it any other way) While cumbersome and sleepless an evening this has been, my anticipation about what I’m going to dry up into keeps me from rolling over the next time I hear that buzzing sound go off on my phone.

 Over the last 12 hours I’ve been…well…anxious. My body has just been a mess over the past few weeks so even though I by nature revolve around planning every minuet detail, my body doesn’t seem to run on the same mindset. It like to offer surprises, which if the surprise doesn’t involve money, peanut butter or a vacation to a tropical island…I don’t like anything off the whim. I like things straight forward, black and white but my physical being enjoys a firy shade of red. Some parts of my body look insane, for instance my quads look like something out of a roman history channel documentary while my abs are still playing a game of hide and go “fuck off”. temperamental little demos 2 weeks ago were the star players and now they decide to be sitting on the bench with some bozo injury waiting for the right moment to say “we are in!” which hopefully comes about 2 seconds before I hit my mandatory poses on stage. (the massive consumption of dry rice cakes is obviously amplifying my dry sense of humor at this point). I

I want to be at my best and while I probably look better than what my mind is telling me, I’m a competitive perfectionist at heart. I know that I measured everything and prepared the way a pro would, down to every detail accounted for…jesus I put my 1 week out diet that included timing, portion, food item, water amount and supplementation into an excel spreadsheet so that I knew exactly what, when, and how to diet down. The expectations I have for myself are only this high because I know the value of work I put into what I do and what level I decide to perform at. So to be looking down at my stomach and not seeing where I want to be at is increasingly annoying.

and back to sleep to hopefully dream my neurosis away…

4:07am

Eating as I’m wiping the sleepies from my eyes and bringing out all of my luggage to the car…cumbersome considering my tan is tacky and I’m squeezing sweet potatoes out of a plastic bag while trying to roll a suit case and carry my endless supply of rice cakes out to my truck…at 4 freakin am. But I gulp it down and mosey inside to grab the rest of my things to start my journey to nyc.

5:25am

Eating rice cakes and the crumbs are sticking to my tan…god damnit

5:36

Arrive in nyc for hair and makeup. I’m actually a bit excited about this because I get to be ubber girlie and have heroine muscles 🙂 I get my make up put on, hair sprayed and with my body given the once over by my coach, I head out the door to the venue. At this point excitement is about the only emotion running through my visible veins. Its been 20 months in the making and the anticipation of the event had changed from worry to thrill, with my head spinning due to the unknown of what the physique stage would offer. I parked my car and as the morning sun shined down on my orange skin, I took a minute to gather myself and take in the calm moment before the storm. Awake with feverish motivation, I gathered my things and set out towards the venue.

10:12am

Soooooooooooo they can’t track down my pre registration and until they do find it, Im stuck out in the auditorium while they begin to file audience members in. I can’t go find a spot in the competitor area yet and I know I need to eat and prop up my feet so insert cranky Titan. Why fuckin me? Really?! Out of 400 competitors they lose my number!!! SEEESSSHHH is that my luck or what? But I text my handsome fella and of course he mentions the good of the situation, trying to expel my frustrations with positivity and tells me “well at least the judges know who you are now”…touche’ babe touche’

11:07am

Finally…my number 97…and it has my lucky digit in it…7…this is a better sign 🙂

12:16

……Freakin body builders are taking forever…… do I eat or not? How much? But do I look Fat?….Should  pee? Do I have to pee? or is it nerves?…. do I pump up a bit or should I lay down?

12:22

Holy shit! Im up!

So Im pretty sure that the expediters were deaf, dumb and blind because they completely neglected to announce that the male body builders were coming to a finish …which would have meant that I had about 15 minutes before I stepped on stage because female body building was lined up prior to me; Perfect to eat and get a pump on. But now I sit scarfing down my peanut butter like a hyena carnivorously ripping apart an injured antelope while trying to Pam myself, pump and keep my suit in a place that my crotch isn’t in bird’s eye view. It’s like a juggling act, running up to the line, wiping off the smears of peanut butter and reminisce of rice cakes left crumbled on my tanned skin. So I begin to consume my secret sugar concoction and pump up for the show down I’ve been waiting 20 months for. This is it. No turning back. Time to give them what I;ve been working for, a definite showdown.

On stage:

Judges: “Quarter Turn to the right” ME: ** suck in stomach stand tall**

Judges: “Quarter turn to the back” ME” ** butt T! Tighten your damn ass like a tiger!!! Rawr!!!**

Judges: “Quarter Turn” Me: tummy…dont be a fatty. hold your damn breath and squeeze.**

Judges: “turn to the front” Me: ** smile …shit I’m twitching…remember your tummy!!! lift up lift up! shit quads tighten them…look at the judges…keep smiling until ur face falls off!!

Judges: “Front double Bi” me: ** dont do the crazy hands!…tighten dem qaudzillas!!!!** shit I hope I covered my suit in the right places…do I have to pee?**

Judges: “Side try” Me: **got this one in the bag**

Judges: “side chest” Me: **wish I had tits for this one**

Judges: “Back double bi” Me: ** Point and flex dat ass T!!!**

Judges: ” Ab thigh” Me**aaaand this is where I lost….**

Waiting, waiting, waiting for the head nod…Why is Ryan (one of my friends and expediters) pulling myself and 2 other girls off stage? Shit I lost, OMG all this work for nothing… I didn’t even get to fight for it**begin to pout**

Ryan: “Ok ladies you are the top three. you can exit off stage.”

WHAT!!!!!! that’s it? one time for posing and I made the top three. Holy freakin crap!…damn I do need to pee.

1:30pm

Eating time!! steak nom nom nom nom

2:30ish

A bed has never felt this nice. Legs up, eyes shut, relax. Sitting next to one of my closest friends, I’ve been able to function today because of her. Time to shut my eyes and just picture…shit cramp!!! monkey feet!!! shanaaaaaanigans! OMG OMG. NEED SALT!!!!

And this proceeded for the majority of time I was in bed, trying to relax.
I had a few sips of water and some sodium to knock it down but before I knew it, the clock struck 3:45pm and I had to practice my routine, which wasnt as polished as it had been the days leading up to the show. I was frustrated, tired, sweaty and running behind schedule so I let it be and headed to my coach’s studio for touch up on tan and make up.

4:15pm

you would think hailing a taxi in nyc would be an easy thing…but nooooooo. I have to eat here people and when I can’t eat on schedule I get freakin grumpy! I look like a drag queen here…I can be seen so why the heck isn’t a cabby picking us up! I’m haaaaangry!…end rant

4:35pm

Tanning…jesus…if youre not comfortable getting naked then you have NO CHANCE in this sport. It feels like everywhere I go Im taking off my clothes and my nipples are cold. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

With Makeup retouched, tan reapplied, hair fixed and reassurance from my coach, my friend and I headed back to the Tribeca center to finish what I started. After hailing a cab, I sat and listened to my music over and over again.; Making sure I pictured myself in the moment, entranced in the rhymes I had just made up a few days prior due to a change in my music selection. As we passed the silver lined sharpness of the city, with each block closer we drove my anticipation grew. This was it. My last chance to prove my worth for that number 1 spot. The exact emotions running through my veins right now is hard to describe…it’s such a mixture from the opinions of the good and bad angels resting on my capped shoulders. Im quiet as I normally am when competing, too wrapped up in nailing everything down and executing the plan to acknowledge the world around me. I’m hyper focused and firy with the expectancy of a battle for first. We stop in front of the venue and after a few steps I have to stop and take a second to calm my nerves and look up at the sunny sky. I’m enveloped with the warmth of the sun, it shining off my bronzed skin, and with a few deep breaths and a prayer sent, I head into the arena to prepare for the victory I’ve been working towards for almost 2 years.

At this point in time….I have no clue what the clock actually reads so we will just go with…they are running behind schedule again. No surprise there for a npc show! So I scavenge around for a spot for my things, get into a tiff with a bikini chick (who by the way needed to get the Russian tampon out of her ass for being such a twat about having her personal space to reapply her lashes), finally lay down and just allow myself some breathing room. I know I have time because the body builders are just starting but I was worried due to the bloat I had from steak and eggs between the prelim and night show. Of course I let my mind get the best of me and began frantically texting my boyfriend, asking how, when, and what to do. (surprisingly he didn’t dump my ass after how much I bugged him) I follow such a regiment with pencil and paper so when something surprises me, I tend to get really flustered and panic. I must have peed about 50 times due to nerves and let me tell you it isn’t easy squatting in protan so I decided I had to get myself under control before I chanced leaving piss lines down my hamstrings.(if you’re a female competitor you know exactly what I’m talking about)  So I forced my energies into practicing my routine and getting lost in the moment…which worked beautifully because before I knew it, it was stage time.

“Female Physique competitors pump up and line up!”

This was it. I grabbed my gummies, bands and pam and made my way to the line. At this point I’ve done all that I can to prove my placing status, now it was just about polishing the final product. Guns blazing (haha) I was ready for the stage and the result of what all of my hard work proved.

7:30pm ish

You have got to be flippin kidding me… I’m pumped up, filled with sugar and vodka and oily like a god damn piece of fried fish and now we have to wait bc the guest poser decided last-minute that he NOW wants to do his routine!?? So I put massive amounts of insulin in me, timed my pump and am ready to kill my routine and now I have to wait for this mamajama to “walk it out” in the audience…..well isn’t that just dandy. ahhhhh shit…the alcohol hit now too. Is that a lighting effect or does the stage look tilted?

While the other competitors were back stage enjoying the show, my mind was all over the place. As you know I’m a perfectionist at heart and when yet another surprise gets thrown at me I become anxious and irritated. As they joked around, jubilant and free-spirited, I tried to play off the same emotions but my head was too twisted in the competition to relax. I times EVERYTHING correctly this time and yet again another flare up. My competitive nature was taking charge and taking away from the joy I should have been participating in. I can’t help it though. I love this journey and have enjoyed every moment, even at times I felt like I was going to break but I also take it VERY seriously and when I said I wanted to win, I was determined to do just that. Deciding to make a hasty repump, I left the line and ran backstage again grabbing my bands and gummies to refuel. With a quick pump and sugar reload I awaited my call to the stage.

Ryan: “you ready champ?”

Me: “Do you really have to ask?”

Alright champ this is it. As I was meer moments away from my music all was silent around me. I started the countdown, heard my name intermixed in my daze, put on my smile and marched out into the lights. All was calm. All was right. That was the last thing I remembered in the minute that I was on stage for.

It could have been the alcohol in the gummies, the screams from my loved ones in the crowd, the excitement of all of my hard work shown off on the stage or maybe a combination of it all but the minute long routine that I precisely planned out completely was forgotten after about 15 seconds into the music. The funny thing is that I didn’t realize that I had messed up the routine until I turned around for my back double bi and realized that I was WAAAAAYYY ahead of the vocal cues. I was so entranced by the rhythms that I just put my soul into the hands of fate and skill, going into a hymnal versed with God’s planned movements. Before I knew it the music cut as I reached for the sky and the crowd went wild. With my heart racing, I floated off stage…out of breath more from emotion then the wild floor stunts I pulled during my routine. Exiting, I was pulled aside by on of the expediters and he told me how he had never seen a routine that beautiful and professional before, all while I’m trying to keep myself emotionally intact. All of that planning went out the window, tossed from the most forgetful minute of my life to end up being possibly better than originally choreographed…Funny how this whole day of unscheduled surprises has ended up all working out so far.

I caught my breath and gathered myself to be able to enjoy the rest of the experience. I did all that I could have done to gain the first place recognition and now it was time to let my faith bring me a hopeful victory. I chatted backstage with the ladies, laughing and capturing the sheer comrodery that physique girls have with each other, differing greatly from my experience with figure girls backstage. We were all congratulatory, sharing war stories and complimenting the hard muscular, physiques we had crafted. Before I knew it, the time had come and they pulled myself and four other ladies who had made the top 5 on stage. Wfhew breath a sigh of relief.. I cracked the top 3 from what I learned after prelims so I at least have a chance.

“5th place Number such and such”

“4th place Number so and so”

“3rd place Number this and that”

**shit I made top two**

“2nd place Number blah blah”

As my smile twitched and breath caught, there’s a moment of silence in my soul while the crowd’s banter enveloped me. I knew at that point that I had won my class against 9 other females but I couldn’t move or function from the excitement. I was shocked and in disbelief that all the hard work I had done, the growing of my mind, body and soul had paid off so it was a bittersweet moment to have it all culminate and end but in the perfect way.

“First place Number 97 Christina Wilson”

I took my petite bow to the judges and sashayed my tired body to the middle of the stage, accepting my trophy and listening to the exuberant cheers from my loved ones who came to support me. As the tears began to gather in my eyes, I gave a little fist pump to my supporters, acknowledging their cheers and my own excitement. I did it. I won a huge show. And not only that, I did it while following my heart and learning some of the most valuable lessons I could about myself along the way. We all stood for posing, feeling proud and strong; working off the warmth from the crowd. We all walked off stage and exciting to slither down the hallway to the competitor area and while I congratulated by many, I couldn’t hear them. I was in to much of a daze to acknowledge what was happening around me. The sheer shock was all to consuming and the emotional culmination of happy tears and relief got the best of me. I walked back to suitcase, grabbed a jar of my special peanut butter and indulged in what I had been deserving of while the tears bleed mascara on my face.

The rest of the evening is in a blur. I was surrounded by my closest of friends and loved ones, who shared my trials during these long months and celebrated my now victory as well. I received Reeses galore!!!! and even was given a #teamtitan hand-made t-shirt, which they all wore to represent me. To have all that love surrounding me as I shook still in awe was such a beautiful moment to remember and one Ill cherish forever. I ate in glory, spent countless hours with my friends and lived in the moment that I worked so hard for.

3:31am

I can’t sleep. Still hopped up on the high of winning and the sugar from all the peanut butter, my mind and body were full, fat and fascinated by how the night went. Sitting in the NYC hotel room, I just lay and listened to the city around me, exhausted but alive with happiness. I did it. I really did it…and eventually I melted into a deep sleep. I didn’t have a dream that night though, because what I had been dreaming of for months came into fruition just hours before that.

And now the journey is to continue. On 7-4-14 I will attempt to make history in the body building world with competing for my pro card to be the first female physique competitor to obtain her pro card with only doing one show prior. Funny thing is that I am not holding as much expectation going into this show even though there are bigger risks due to just having the honor of stepping onto a stage of that level. I’m proud to be there and going in with the positive attitude of a winner, is the best way to give it my all. No matter what the outcome is, I’m so excited to share the stage with the best of the best competitors and be proud of all my hard work. I’m getting the opportunity of a lifetime to shoot for my dream, something not everyone gets a chance to hold. With it, I’m doing my best to prepare and motivate myself once again in the gym and kitchen to achieve the best body I can in a short amount of time.

While the goal was obtained, the destination sure hasn’t been reached yet. I have a long shot but the potential to actually have this dream become a reality is there. I’ve lived such a rough life at times but have kept the belief that my demons were only to lead me to the light that people have said surround me. I hope to be a motivator out of all that you have just read, giving hope to anyone who may feel lost in a moment of desperation. I was able to achieve something that almost 2 years ago was only a distant thought. I truly love this sport, and put that heart into my work. There are ups and downs, good and bad but all in all this experience and the end result have proven to be some of the most memorable and rewarding moments of my life. This has been such a gift and I plan on rewrapping it to give to the world in efforts to help my loved ones and peers. You can do anything you put your mind to with faith in yourself and your path. Never give up.

I am a Titan.

The Final Countdown

I know after reading that title you’re singing that snazzy 80’s song in your head, so let it set the mood for the remainder of the blog entry

Ba Da Da Dah, Ba dah dah dah dah…the final countdown!

It’s the last day of sodium loading…thank god because after this I’d rather lick a monkey’s ass then touch a grain of salt ever again! figuratively speaking of course.

Its been hell the past week. My legs are going from tight in the am to a swollen mess by the evening, burning from the stress of cardio and the upload of salt. I’m completely wiped from the diet of just chicken and fish paired with the lack of caffeine from cutting out coffee and monster so the artificial additives are at a minimal in my food. My workouts are that of a beginner, lacking the intensity brought on by my off-season supplementation and the cardio is making me stircrazy from feeling like a hamster on a wheel. I’m cranky too because of not sleeping through the night due to having to drink 2+ gallons of water a day to unsure optimal results with sodium fluctuating…

BUT BEYOND ALL OF THIS PHYSICAL, MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL STRESS THAT MY BODY IS DEALING WITH, I AM SO FREAKIN PUMPED ABOUT GETTING ON STAGE AND GIVING IT MY ALL. IM READY AND WILLING TO FIGHT FOR THAT #1 SPOT.

I’m in a MUCH better place mentally then 2 weeks ago. Things are coming together and although I doubted that it would, the little voices of encouragement I have from my support team kept telling me to believe, which I have and still will. They have helped to keep me going when the pain was close to making me succumb to its devilish temptation and while I may have indulged in some extra protein here and there (I have eaten extra boiled chicken and fish at times from being absolutely emaciated with hunger) I know my diet has been on point. Put it this way, I have 5 jars of my absolute favorite food in the world (peanut butter) sitting in my pantry and I have absolutely no desire to even have a smidgen of it, proving that I’m hyper focused and ready to battle. I see the finish line, taste the excitement, feel the butterflies, sense the competitive edge; my body scorching with the desire to win. After 19 months of preparing for this, that stage will have no mercy and when I step on it, I know that all of my trials and errors will give me the placing I deserve…hopefully dead center and first call out.

Preparations are the toughest part. I’ve been lucky to have such an amazing #teamtitan support crew who have helped me these last couple of weeks in not only the physical stress of preparing but the emotional rollercoaster extreme dieting and working out can have. My friends and loved ones have tolerated my mood swings, stand offish behavior and overall focus all while being shoulders to lean on for a girl who hates to reach out for assistance. They have offered grocery runs, cleaning services, cooking prep, transportation and a slew of other means of help that I can’t even begin to express my gratitude for because I’m speechless by their generosity and overwhelming belief in my goal. I want to prove not only to myself but to them that you can do anything you set your mind to and that succumbing to the belief of failure just isn’t an option. Accepting a defeat is a mature buckling but to cave into failure is never an option. I’m stepping on this stage not only to prove that all of this hard work has value for myself, but to anyone who has fought what seemed like unbearable odds. For the doers and the takers who push through their tough days and treasure the easy ones; For the lost souls and the looking forward thinkers. Is it just a competition? Yes. To many competitors its just a show but to me, putting in 19 months of work and sacrificing all that I have, in every direction, has put me in a mindset that would be hard pressed to over-shadow by “just getting a first place prize”  The fact of the matter is, the stage represents the arena where I place my body up for divine intervention, show casing my scars of honor as the light shines down. Sounds overly epic, but in a way my story is just that…a saga to be heard and learned from.

Today ended in the gym with my last official weight lifting workout. With my girl Tina by my side, we repped out the closing torture session and as I ended the regiment, tears came to my eyes. The reality that this was all about to come into fruition hit me. Yes I’m making a big deal out of this, but it’s because I know how much work I have put into my body, how many hours I’ve spent sweating and grunting with the iron or all the time spent prepping and weighing meals to perfection or how many social opportunities I’ve dismissed myself from due to my training schedule. It was this sensation of relief and pride, anxiousness and happiness, awareness but unknowing feeling that now I just had to let all my hard work play off through diet to coast onto the stage Saturday. At this point I’ve done all that i can in the weight rack, now its time to let the diet and my body’s recovery do all the work. It’s such a weird feeling not having to pack my gym bag or get my supplements ready for the next day because that has been my life for nearly 2 years. To go a few days without being inside a weight room is foreign to me and while I’ve absolutely despised lifting over the past 2 weeks, as I walked out of the gym tonight I began missing my place of worship already.

Whatever happens on Saturday will happen and the result of which I have to be ok with. I’ve worked my body to its maximum capacity, my mind to its breaking point and pushed my emotional boundaries far beyond my comfort zones all in hopes of going pro one day in a sport that I’ve grown to share a love/hate relationship for. After getting sick, I’ve realized the importance of balance and I’m comfortable with my decisions going forward in the federation. I hope to qualify for nationals with this show, compete at Team U and stand next to the best of the best, just to know how well I rank against seasoned physique competitors. Its bittersweet to imagine my future now versus when I originally started this blog but I’ve learned a great deal since January about my body and its limits or also what I’m willing to do to it. My decision to take time off to recover doesn’t mean I’m giving up but rather making the mature resolution that I’m human and need time to reclaim my health and build a better body for future competing, back in figure. I love the physique category; the look, the posing, the attitude, the training style…but it took its toll on me with all the “extras” I’ve had to ingest and the sheer disregard for my womanly functioning. I’ll become a pro in figure, proving that I can look athletic but still feminine. With the help of the special man in my life, I’ve learned great techniques that will help me to achieve longevity in this world, rather than achieving the dream to then burn myself out with…I will hold a pro card within the next 5 years, while maybe not in physique, at least I’ll have what I originally desired in the first place… a name for myself.

3 days, 12 hours and change to go. Suit is being fixed, makeup and nail appointments set, tanning arrangements made, hotel booked, food bought and waiting to be prepped, photo shoots set in stone and routine nailed… I’ve made all the proper plans to achieve perfection on Saturday. All I can do now is sit back, relax and let the greatness of God, food and rest coast me into a win on Saturday evening.

 

The Manipulation of the Machine

 Our bodies are incredible. They have the power to breakdown, heal, replenish and revive. They produce their own system of power so efficient that if maintained, rarely do we need to do anything but help to maintain balance. The machine is able to transform and manipulate in certain situations when given the means to do so. Even under the most stressful of circumstances, they can out perform many obstacles when the mind and body are in sync. But when we restrict, ingest too much or go to any extreme in a physical or mental state, the mechanics that keep the vehicle going are manipulated, causing potentially permanent and catastrophic results if not monitored.

When it comes to crunch time, as a competitor its hard to balance health with the aesthetics that we are trying to achieve. We cut drastic calories and deplete ourselves of food nutrients all while pushing ourselves to a maximum physical level and then try to reinstitute the lacking vitamins and minerals with supplementation. It’s a hustle to keep it all together while trying to stay focused on a carb deficient diet and long days of training. While our bodies all vary, there’s a common thread in body building that we all uphold during the last few weeks of prep, sodium intake. Here’s how it works:

Salt is a natural regulator for blood volume in the body that helps to maintain water surrounding cells and muscle tissue to provide proper function (no matter if dieting or not). It aids in digestion, keeping a regular heart beat and blood pressure level and is one of the prime balance mechanisms for potassium which works together with proper nerve and function functioning.

Your diet will greatly influence the amount of sodium in which you should intake on a daily basis. When ingesting a high amount of carbohydrates, there is a smaller need for sodium due to the fact that the carbs help the kidneys to maintain salt, providing hydration and proper excretion of toxins. In the opposite spectrum, when dieting on a very low carb regiment, sodium intake needs to be increased due to sodium being excreted at a higher amount through a difference in kidney function potentially causing a deficiency. Why would this cause an issue for a body builder? Well due to the extremes we are pushing our bodies to physically, we need as much hydration around the muscle tissue as possible to perform and when you have a hard-core low carb diet, that water retention is compromised. So to provide a surplus of fluids, sodium has to be ingested at a higher amount to ensure proper functioning.

About two weeks ago I noticed my body feeling “off” canter. I had dizziness, exhaustion, horrible headaches, redness of the feet, swelling of the legs (that got worse as time went on) troubled eye sight, and extreme fluid retention. There were moments were I felt faint, having to take 3-4 naps a day just to counteract the exhaustion and I was having trouble walking properly by the end of the day due to my sneakers being so tight from swelling. I just thought it was side effects from all the cardio I was doing but as time went on, I became more and more worried. Turns out that I had a really good reason to be concerned after going to the clinic and finding out my blood pressure and heart rate were through the roof. I’ve never had a history of either issue so as I sat there and heard the numbers I was floored. I had a feeling there was something wrong but to have a blood pressure level of 142/82 was a kick in the stomach, considering all the preventative things I’ve done to be healthy during this prep. After consuming the reality, I began to narrow down the cause and the first thing that came to my mind along with the brains of my support crew was my sodium level needed to be cut asap. I had been told to put a lot of sodium on everything due to being low carb for weeks…no potatos, no rice, no oatmeal nothing…just fiberous carbs, and unfortunately my body became salt sensitive due to the overload I was putting it through. Along with the help from meds and diuretics, I cut all added salt except for the condiments that I use to help recover the damage that had been done. I’ve been icing my legs, keeping them elevated and while still doing cardio, doing it at a lesser speed to try to ease the agony of the reaction to salt.But my body had been too far gone, depleted and drained that it needed a kick-start again. So my coach decided to take a BIG risk and refill my glycogen, hoping to kick out the sodium, help bring back my energies and spike my metabolism back. With a refeed meal planned, my anxieties were high especially due to it being so close to the show. It took me a few days to get up the balls to eat it but last night I consumed the nutrients I needed and dealt with the insecurities it brought me. My mind was all over the place and even though it was nutrient dense, good for you food it is a huge risk to be eating that this close to show.

I woke up this morning feeling bloated in my stomach but my joints weren’t as swollen. I walked up stairs and got a glimpse of my legs in the mirror and was in shock about how great they looked. My quads were popping and I was pretty vascular considering my legs were a bloated mess the past few weeks. It was relieving but I still have a ton of work to do on my hamstrings (where I carry my weight) I’m REALLY nervous about that part so we have adjusted my posing accordingly just in case we can’t get to where we need to be in the next 14 days.

These last 2 weeks are going to be dieting and training hell but I feel like now that I have the stamina I’ll be able to work harder. I need to push past my insecurities and just roll with it and considering I was thinking about postponing and doing another show due to health and not being ready, I’m much more focused now that I feel a bit better.

If I do make it to Team U Nationals through this show, I’ve decided that it will be my last show of this year. I’ve put my body through hell these past 19 months and it needs a break. I’m not giving up on my dream but I’m going to take off a few weeks from training and regroup to decide a new game plan and better prepare myself with al the knowledge I’ve obtained over the course of this journey. My health and wellness is super important to me and this scare with my heart and kidneys really made me realize how fragile we can be when we push the machine too far. I want this…god do I want my pro card but I also want to have longevity in this sport and be a great influence for injured athletes, which I can’t do properly if I’m unhealthy. Lessons were learned and I’ll move forward, with this show and through out my journey in the future to other stages. I will be the best that I can come June 21rst, and I’m hoping that’s good enough for the win.

The Push

18 days and 21 hours until I step on stage…not that I’m counting or anything.

Here it is, the race to the finish. Mind is all over the place but focused at the same time. I’m filled with doubt some days and others I’m disgustingly optimistic. I am constantly fighting with myself over the thoughts of “will I be ready? Will my legs tighten up? Will I be substantial enough? Can I hold up to the level that I have put myself on?” but if you have ever known a competitor, a serious one at that, you understand that this whole mind fuck game is totally normal. It’s just been almost 2 years since these anxieties came up so getting used to the insecurities isn’t easy.

There’s many factors that go into having your mindset off a few notches; It isn’t only due to personal insecurities that were there prior to the countdown. Let’s face it, when you start screwing around with your metabolism and hormones, irregularities in your body and thought process are going to occur. I’m eating MINIMAL amounts of calories a day (if I get fats that day it’s about 1200) and working out some days around 3.5 hours a day with all the cardio I have to do. I’m on a lot of fat burners, stimulants and caffeine to keep me functioning after an hr of cardio at 5am so my heart rate is singing octaves above listening level but I’m still exhausted from all the activity level that I put myself through on a day-to-day basis. My cravings for sugar are off the record charts but Im drinking flavored teas and chewing gum to combat my moodiness and lack of “happy brain hormones” that are provided by carbs and sugar (both of which Ive been deprived of for WEEKS) Mix all of that with the stress of my personal life (finances, relationships, work, family shit) and your mind can go bizerk at any moment, turning all the environmental stresses upon yourself. Combating the doubt isn’t easy when there are a plethora of ways reality can put a spin on things and make your hard work seem vacant of value. With exhaustion, cravings and hormone fluctuations come delerious thoughts and mood swings that decide to swing in at any given moment so staying on track isn’t always easy. I find myself constantly checking my stomach or feeling up my legs, making sure they are tighter by the day. It sounds obsessive but ask any competitor and they do the SAME THING this close to competition…if they deny it, they are lying.  Every one of us has an idea in our heads of what we want to look like on stage, so as the days near closer to the lights, we become more and more hyper focused on the negatives we want to correct, hoping we have enough time to perfect them. Whether or not we are ready, we get up on stage anyway…because the hard work is worth it all

As competitors we thrive off of the stress of it all, most of the time. There are days where I look at my legs and say “No freakin way. This big booty isn’t getting in that suit” and then I see photos and it’s not as bad as I thought. Or nights where I feel so bloated from sodium that I look at my abs and say “no way are these things going to pop” but the next morning, boom! there they are. Everyday my body is improving, Why? Because I’m constantly asking questions and making double and triple sure that I’m doing things right, listening to my body and what it not only needs but also what I need to do to get it there. I’m doing yoga, manipulating my workouts according to my strength level and also changing up my cardio according to how my knee feels BUT I’m working at an extremely high intensity to make sure I’m still hitting it hard in the gym. There are days where, yes I would love to push myself more, but being on the diet I’m on, physically I just can’t give anymore. That’s mental game in itself for a girl who LOVES to lift heavy but being careful not to injury myself these last few weeks is crucial. Am I scared I wont come in lean enough being that I’m in physique, yes. BUT im doing EVERYTHING possible to make sure my own body is the best it could be for all the effort Im putting into it and at the end of the day, that’s what reality is.

I had a long talk with the man in my life last night and the reason I trust him so much is because he’s always honest with me. No matter if I want to hear it or not, he gives me the truth about where I’m standing in any issue. So when it comes to this, being that he’s a competitor himself, I respect his opinion and knowledge. As I stood in front of him like a nervous nelly last night, he dished out the reality of the situation…my legs will be either my weapon or my curse. I carry my weight there so posing has to be spot on to manipulate their look. Much of the weight is due to water, estrogen and being swollen from al the cardio, which will reduce over the last few days before the show, but I’m really going to have to work hard for the next 15 days to get them as lean as possible. Once I get carbs in me, put my feet up and reload my body will drastically fill out and change which I’m really excited to see that to ease my doubts. I definitely have the mass, but working against my fibro and other medical issues hasn’t been easy, but what in the process for me has?

At the end of these 3 weeks, the stage will be there…waiting for me to grace my presence and whether I win or not, I have to know that I went to every mile (even though slip ups have occurred here and there) to give me the win I want so badly. its do or die time baby…and Im not keeling over. Keep on pushin.