Inner Peace vs Pieces of you

It is a hot, sunny Thursday in August. I drove to work listening to Rhianna and applying my face paint in traffic…shifting through gears while my head went through all the stress I have in the fast lane of my life. Normal, mundane day at work in the motor vehicle world. Papers shuffing, hands marked by the countless ink stamps  I use, the reel on the printer constantly whirring as the clock ticks down to my end of day time punch. 7842. pin type ok. clock out . Quickly to my Jetta then make a break to Wally World, where I only go 10$ over budget for the week because I  decided to get sparkling water and teeth whitening rinse. But as I drove home, I was in slower motion…knowing what I was heading “home” to. There was a ticking time bomb awaiting within me and her… and as the conversation opened with “I am your mother”, my response was “only because of blood.”

Rarely do I ever get to the point of screaming…ever. I am much more of the “walk away until the other person has calmed down to be rational THEN you talk your feelings out”. I USED to be very aggressive, but as I ‘ve gotten older and more into my faith, I just don’t find it entertaining. I would just rather be thoughtful in my words or honestly I just keep to myself and let shit go… like things could be worse. BUT TONIGHT SOMETHING IN ME SNAPPED. And I mean cracked like an fuckin geyser, hot and full of pressure. I had reiterated being told that I was a burden to them, that I had interrupted their retirement, that I felt jilted by their behavior towards me. AND WITH COMPLETE AGREEANCE SHE SAID “YES YOU DID. You need to get out of my house if you continue bodybuilding and anything with the gym”…And that is when I started yelling.

Now, If and when I ever get to the point of shouting…I highly recommend you running for a zombie bunker and making sure ur stocked up on mre’s…because if I ever get to that emotional state of mind, shit is probably burning to the ground and the world will be turning the opposite upside down way… Looking back to about 20 minutes ago, I cant remember being that loud since I caught my x cheating on me with 22 women and lying about his military background…along with the facebook worthy jerking off video and stealing thousands from me but that’s a different saga… sorry rant haha had a moment…anywho… so its been about a yr and 9 months since yelling even once… I kid you not. But something unearthed within me once I heard the terms get out because of body building and with every once of my matter, I exploded  into a terror of a titan.

I don’t think she expected that… nor me saying some of what I did in response.Just like my father, the weights had torn us apart and I was left to choose between a peaceful me or picking up pieces of me. She would help my medical condition if I were to stay out of the gym, GO TO REHAB FOR MY ADDICTION TO THE IRON (I shit you not) and lead a “normal life” since being an athete lead me to being sick in the first place. No matter how much I preached about the countless ppl Ive helped through my condition, because I am ill I am nothing more than a fraud. The words cut deep as I was trying to open my mind to the thought that I was not only hearing that a mother wouldn’t help their sick child but that I was nothing more than an illness which made me into a burden for them. I dug my sharp nails in and with every vocal chord shaking from use, I laid in from all the pain in being rejected by not only one parent but 2, being told to chose between a love for myself and who I am to getting physically better to survive a more quality life. With my talons ripping flesh from her evil glare, I continued to let all the hurt out as the fear and reality of what I was about to face came into my visual. I knew not only would tonight change our future but the future with her mother, my gram, and that scared me to my core. If gram sided with mom…her daughter…that was for sure the end of me and with that fear I pummeled her even hard with verbal stones, making sure to leave my mark with every lashing.

The months of tension came to an end after I snapped out of it and physically backed away, Saying ok and putting my hands up. The normal Titan had returned to her sanity after realizing that in no way was I ever going to give up my lifestyle for theirs and with that succumbing to the notion that in 5 weeks I had to be out of the house, sickness and all. I understand where she is coming from with the concern about my disease because yes being an extreme competitor gave me this affliction but to not give credit to someone that doesn’t give up on their dreams and lives an exemplary (even though small world) life, killed me. For the past 6 days I’ve been laid up in bed due to complications with my condition and  I pushed off going to the doctor due to finances and even though she was completely aware of this, because I am an athlete and gave this to myself, I deserve it. WOW…that was even painful to write…. I need a minute to actually absorb that fact. checking out for a sec….

Like Ihad mentioned before, My mom has helped me in the past but to make me choose betgween a mother helping her child get better physically or giving up something, that while I can see was hurtful as one point but bloomed into something so magical, profoundly meaningful in her life is just something I cant accept…nor will I ever forget. My parents are unfortunately going to miss out on the beauty of the gift god gave me, to help heal others misfortuntes through teaching the belief within themselves. I can not let this break me. I’m not breakable. I, while flawed, have much to offer the world and am not a burden just because I am in need and the timing isn’t ideal for them. The hole in my heart will be fixed by the countless beautiful hearts I can rely on and my will to not give up something I love to have the approval of people who should love me for who I am. AND THAT STATEMENT APPLIES TO EVERY ONE OF YOU READING THIS.

DONT YOU EVER EVER!!!! STOP BEING YOU. BE GOD DAMN PROUD OF YOUR UNIQUE WAYS AND AWARE BUT WILLING TO WORK ON YOUR FLAWS. EMBRACE YOUR INDIVIDUALITY AND STAY PASSIONATE ABOUT YOUR DREAMS. DONT BE STIFFLED BY RIDCULE OR NORMS OF MONOGAMY. BE INSPIRED BY DIVERSITY AND THE ULTIMATE SATISFACTION OF LOVING YOU FOR YOU. NO ONE ELSE CAN TAKE WHAT IS YOURS BECAUSE ITS GOT YOUR NAME ON IT AND YOU CLAIM YOURSELF AS YOUR OWN. STAY TRUE TO THE POWER OF PRAYER AND BELIEF IN WHAT YOU REPRESENT, AND WHILE THERE ARE DAYS OF DOUBT WITHIN YOUR MISSIONS, REMEMBER THAT THE UNIVERSE IS TESTING THE LOVE YOU HOLD FOR THAT INNER WOLF WITHIN YOU.

I will walk away from this with a deeper appreciation for myself and the people who love me. Do I understand her pain for me? To a degree because yes my drive lead me to my condition but I would never watch my child suffer, especially when I know she’s trying with all her might to succeed and do the right thing. I hope one day she finds peace after I chose to have my own peace and maybe she will in time pickup the pieces of her instead of forcing me to pick up my own, as per her wishes.

I will only be better from this … I will rise. I will not fall. Ill one day…maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month, accept this and say “good luck in your retirement.”