Forever in our hearts; the reality check of their short but fulfilling lives

It’s the wee hours into sunlight on 8/22/2017 and I receive a text message from one of my closest guy friends stating that I need to make sure I’m seated for the news he was about to tell me. I read the message in fear, because Toni knows how much of a worry wart I am by nature and I knew he wouldn’t be telling me this if it wasn’t something serious. After writing back a simply ok, I waited in bated breath for his return response and after the notification went off for a received message… all I can say is that I’m glad I was sitting down when I glanced at it.
I have three body builders who I’ve been actively following since coming across their competing careers; Big Ramy, Dennis Wolf and Dallas McCarver. To me they all embody something special whether it be physique, mannerisms or outstanding character, every one of them have caught my attention in some way. I’ve watched their training videos, how they eat, the way they address people, their lives outside of the gym; I had become fascinated by their roles in bodybuilding and in their day-to-day realities… especially With Dallas. He had memorized me after I came across him receiving his pro card back in 2012 at the young age of 21, when I was first starting off in the sport, and since I’ve become an active fan of his work ethic. He gave back to his community, talked to every fan, was open and willing to help others, genuine gentleman, a big teddy bear in a way…so his brute of an exterior was softened by his teddy bear care. When the incident at the Arnold Australia happened, many of us in the sport understood what really happened and I can honestly say I began getting really worried about his health…noticed he swtiched back coaches…I’ll never forget when he liked somewhere along the lines of 20 something of my pictures on ig, for I nearly died of a “fangasm” because for about 2 minutes of his life, he knew I existed. So when I received that second text message from Tony stating that Dallas had died… I felt as if a friend had passed.
If you are an avid part of this sport, you know as well as I do that the pros we follow become almost family even without them knowing it. Not in a creepy sort of way but its as if we shadow their existences especially with how much access we have to them via social media and the internet. They accompany us on our own journeys as we use their multi media displays as a gateway to channel our own motivations and as they progress through the sport, so do we which puts us even more engrossed into their worlds. We use their outpours as a way to cement our own desires and without even knowing it, we become more than fans, but our own body building family.
Less than a week later, I received yet ANOTHER text message from Tony saying “T… I need you to sit down again.” …my text back? “dude Dallas has already passed, please don’t be scaring me again.” Right after I read… ” I Love you T but Rich Piana died and I know how much you liked him.”… I couldn’t even answer. I had found out before anyone released the death of Dallas due to my connections but now someone else that I ambitiously followed has passed?!! I had known he was in a coma but come on this is a 5%er! No way could he be buried with the tank-o heart and gargantuan arms he had. The man embodied the motto NEVER GIVE UP. I was captivated by his honesty and I would often listen to his motivational speeches during my very difficult prep because he spoke only of the truth and of acceptance. And while he was controversial, people loved him for his utmost honesty which is rare nowadays. How could this be?! In less than a week, two HUGE icons in the body building reality were gone…stripped to early from their mortal lives with only questions and speculation looming to keep their legacy alive.

Not even a month before, while I’m backstage in Vegas for the biggest event of my life, did I come across a message reading that my friend Sean Harris had passed after falling asleep at the wheel…9 days out from tampa pro. I was lucky enough to call Sean a friend, him helping me through preps or just being a shoulder to lean on when I needed it. He had a rough and tumble exterior but a teddy bear heart, one that once you got to know, you cherished the conversations had because they were from the a deep place within him. A family man, he went above and beyond for his kids and to hear that we had lost not only a great coach but a good soul was heart wrenching. So as the news tumbled from Sean to Dallas to Rich… I began to think… was competing or the industry itself really what I wanted to be a part of with all of its dangers?

Now I AM NOT HERE TO SPECULATE, CRITICIZE, OR CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTIONS about these amazing athletes and men. While I didn’t know Rich or Dallas personally, I was an earnest fan of both so their deaths (especially Dallas due to his youth) really shook me. The media will say one thing and while we may never really know what happened to any of the men mentioned, it made me ponder the health and wellness in competing or being in the spotlight of body building itself, considering my own physical issues. Bodybuilding lifestyle is relatively healthy. You eat, sleep, train and live in a world dedicated to wellness but the competing aspect, while we look like the picture of purity…isn’t health conscious at all (mentally or physically) We put our bodies through HELL and deprivation; often lacking in sleep and nutrients all to embody a certain physical specimen that in reality will win us a plastic trophy and an ego boost. I ABSOLUTELY AND FULL HEARTEDLY have invested and loved the body building mentality which had engrossed nearly the last 6 years of my life but it wasn’t until recently, after getting really sick, did I begin to question stepping away momentarily to get my physical being back to internal tip top shape rather than the external look that was winning me shows. Couple that with the recent deaths of some of my favorite icons, it makes you think about verisimilitude of your dream.

In the aftermath of Dallas’ early passing, I sat in the gym looking into the mirror waiting for god to give me an answer to the copious amounts of questioning my mind was asking. Was it worth it? Could any of this happen? What about my own health issues? Was my yearning for a pro card really worth the amount of risk I take to get on stage? Why these men? Why these GOOD men? Does putting ourselves on these pedastles really make it worth it when our time could be cut short with the chances we take in the dangers that are in the competing realm? Lost in thoughts for a few days, I just went through the motions in the gym, unable to focus on the mind to muscle connection due to the pounding assessments running rampant in my worrisome mind. I had devoted YEARS to this idea of my pro card being my reasoning to success but after seeing what I did in Vegas then reading these messages about my fallen heroes, my heart and mind were at odds with what to make of my own future career goals.

I’m VERY lucky to have the support system I do because the ones close to me often set me straight. Without having a true blood family, I’ve adopted one hell of a bloodline because of this sport and no matter what, bodybuilding in its design has built a stable foundation in my very tornado like of a life. With a heavy heart, I reached out to those in my small inner circle with what was going on in the war of my head vs my heart and they all said the same thing… step back but go forward. At first I was unsure how all of them would agree considering they really don’t know each other but the common thread in their advice was me and my health. What they had meant by this was to recoil from the stage momentarily but dive head first into making the “titan brand” into something more potent than just the body building arena could handle… that I could continue my journey without focusing on just the pro card being my only mindset of success. That people like Dave Palumbo or Greg Valentino (someone who I have become great friends with and deeply respect) had their own successes without the ifbb pro title…and their love for the sport wasn’t dictated by their lack of a crown but by how they still actively participated without taking the health risks. As I listened to their words it sunk in, that I could recuperate my health and not give up on the dream just because I’m taking some time away from the stage, and nor will I be forgotten while I do so.

So the resolution is this, I will continue to very much be involved in living the lifestyle but for my own health and wellness I’m going to be stepping away from the stage for a while. I will get my pro card, that I can assure you because I have set my mind to that goal and I believe in my heart that I’m worthy of such a title BUT I’m going to get on the right path before taking the risk of the stage again. This style of living can be hard and fast, risky yet rewarding, tough but invigorating but I all too much know the reality of pushing my body to the limits even if it has been determined that I was genetically predispositioned to having cushings and diabetes. With reading this, I am not here to deter your goals or talk maliciously about an aspect of my life that will ALWAYS be a part of it, but I want you to think about rushing and putting your body through hell when maybe there can be a smarter way to getting to your destination. Take it from someone who’s sick now… competing and being on stage is an incredibly pleasing accomplishment but with the reality of these beautiful lives cut short…please think about the process to getting under the lights in the safest way possible

Whatever the truth is on how these men really passed is not what matters here…whats important to have sunk in is that their lives were cut short and because of it, there is a black cloud over our sport at the moment. These amazing spotlights in our industry gave a hope and heart to a seemingly ego driven animal, one that can eat you alive and spit you back out without hesitation if you are naive to its beastly ways. What I admired about these men was their outreach to the people who didn’t have their accolades and no matter what their cause of death truly was outside of what the media tells us, they will be remembered for the impact, especially in my thoughts, they made in their followers’ lives.

May you rest in peace and watch over our community.

Inner Peace vs Pieces of you

It is a hot, sunny Thursday in August. I drove to work listening to Rhianna and applying my face paint in traffic…shifting through gears while my head went through all the stress I have in the fast lane of my life. Normal, mundane day at work in the motor vehicle world. Papers shuffing, hands marked by the countless ink stamps  I use, the reel on the printer constantly whirring as the clock ticks down to my end of day time punch. 7842. pin type ok. clock out . Quickly to my Jetta then make a break to Wally World, where I only go 10$ over budget for the week because I  decided to get sparkling water and teeth whitening rinse. But as I drove home, I was in slower motion…knowing what I was heading “home” to. There was a ticking time bomb awaiting within me and her… and as the conversation opened with “I am your mother”, my response was “only because of blood.”

Rarely do I ever get to the point of screaming…ever. I am much more of the “walk away until the other person has calmed down to be rational THEN you talk your feelings out”. I USED to be very aggressive, but as I ‘ve gotten older and more into my faith, I just don’t find it entertaining. I would just rather be thoughtful in my words or honestly I just keep to myself and let shit go… like things could be worse. BUT TONIGHT SOMETHING IN ME SNAPPED. And I mean cracked like an fuckin geyser, hot and full of pressure. I had reiterated being told that I was a burden to them, that I had interrupted their retirement, that I felt jilted by their behavior towards me. AND WITH COMPLETE AGREEANCE SHE SAID “YES YOU DID. You need to get out of my house if you continue bodybuilding and anything with the gym”…And that is when I started yelling.

Now, If and when I ever get to the point of shouting…I highly recommend you running for a zombie bunker and making sure ur stocked up on mre’s…because if I ever get to that emotional state of mind, shit is probably burning to the ground and the world will be turning the opposite upside down way… Looking back to about 20 minutes ago, I cant remember being that loud since I caught my x cheating on me with 22 women and lying about his military background…along with the facebook worthy jerking off video and stealing thousands from me but that’s a different saga… sorry rant haha had a moment…anywho… so its been about a yr and 9 months since yelling even once… I kid you not. But something unearthed within me once I heard the terms get out because of body building and with every once of my matter, I exploded  into a terror of a titan.

I don’t think she expected that… nor me saying some of what I did in response.Just like my father, the weights had torn us apart and I was left to choose between a peaceful me or picking up pieces of me. She would help my medical condition if I were to stay out of the gym, GO TO REHAB FOR MY ADDICTION TO THE IRON (I shit you not) and lead a “normal life” since being an athete lead me to being sick in the first place. No matter how much I preached about the countless ppl Ive helped through my condition, because I am ill I am nothing more than a fraud. The words cut deep as I was trying to open my mind to the thought that I was not only hearing that a mother wouldn’t help their sick child but that I was nothing more than an illness which made me into a burden for them. I dug my sharp nails in and with every vocal chord shaking from use, I laid in from all the pain in being rejected by not only one parent but 2, being told to chose between a love for myself and who I am to getting physically better to survive a more quality life. With my talons ripping flesh from her evil glare, I continued to let all the hurt out as the fear and reality of what I was about to face came into my visual. I knew not only would tonight change our future but the future with her mother, my gram, and that scared me to my core. If gram sided with mom…her daughter…that was for sure the end of me and with that fear I pummeled her even hard with verbal stones, making sure to leave my mark with every lashing.

The months of tension came to an end after I snapped out of it and physically backed away, Saying ok and putting my hands up. The normal Titan had returned to her sanity after realizing that in no way was I ever going to give up my lifestyle for theirs and with that succumbing to the notion that in 5 weeks I had to be out of the house, sickness and all. I understand where she is coming from with the concern about my disease because yes being an extreme competitor gave me this affliction but to not give credit to someone that doesn’t give up on their dreams and lives an exemplary (even though small world) life, killed me. For the past 6 days I’ve been laid up in bed due to complications with my condition and  I pushed off going to the doctor due to finances and even though she was completely aware of this, because I am an athlete and gave this to myself, I deserve it. WOW…that was even painful to write…. I need a minute to actually absorb that fact. checking out for a sec….

Like Ihad mentioned before, My mom has helped me in the past but to make me choose betgween a mother helping her child get better physically or giving up something, that while I can see was hurtful as one point but bloomed into something so magical, profoundly meaningful in her life is just something I cant accept…nor will I ever forget. My parents are unfortunately going to miss out on the beauty of the gift god gave me, to help heal others misfortuntes through teaching the belief within themselves. I can not let this break me. I’m not breakable. I, while flawed, have much to offer the world and am not a burden just because I am in need and the timing isn’t ideal for them. The hole in my heart will be fixed by the countless beautiful hearts I can rely on and my will to not give up something I love to have the approval of people who should love me for who I am. AND THAT STATEMENT APPLIES TO EVERY ONE OF YOU READING THIS.

DONT YOU EVER EVER!!!! STOP BEING YOU. BE GOD DAMN PROUD OF YOUR UNIQUE WAYS AND AWARE BUT WILLING TO WORK ON YOUR FLAWS. EMBRACE YOUR INDIVIDUALITY AND STAY PASSIONATE ABOUT YOUR DREAMS. DONT BE STIFFLED BY RIDCULE OR NORMS OF MONOGAMY. BE INSPIRED BY DIVERSITY AND THE ULTIMATE SATISFACTION OF LOVING YOU FOR YOU. NO ONE ELSE CAN TAKE WHAT IS YOURS BECAUSE ITS GOT YOUR NAME ON IT AND YOU CLAIM YOURSELF AS YOUR OWN. STAY TRUE TO THE POWER OF PRAYER AND BELIEF IN WHAT YOU REPRESENT, AND WHILE THERE ARE DAYS OF DOUBT WITHIN YOUR MISSIONS, REMEMBER THAT THE UNIVERSE IS TESTING THE LOVE YOU HOLD FOR THAT INNER WOLF WITHIN YOU.

I will walk away from this with a deeper appreciation for myself and the people who love me. Do I understand her pain for me? To a degree because yes my drive lead me to my condition but I would never watch my child suffer, especially when I know she’s trying with all her might to succeed and do the right thing. I hope one day she finds peace after I chose to have my own peace and maybe she will in time pickup the pieces of her instead of forcing me to pick up my own, as per her wishes.

I will only be better from this … I will rise. I will not fall. Ill one day…maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month, accept this and say “good luck in your retirement.”

 

Welcome Home

Two hundred twenty eight days it took… Nearly 2/3 of a year, dedicated to the prolific thought of my pro title. Months of sheer will, days of tiring monogamy, minutes of questioning after having to deal with my horrific affliction…but I kept on fighting. Whether it was out of pure stupidity or complete stubbornness, I did it. I got on stage and I brought the best package I could considering the circumstances I was dealt with. I still don’t understand what exactly happened during finals, but I left the city of sin with a fertile thought of my future. And while mildly upset, I came to terms with what had happened and as I boarded the steel vessel back to Jersey, I knew what I needed to do and was ready to get back to work. But when I landed back into my reality and settled in, I didn’t expect the rawness of negativity to be infiltrating my mindset like it was from external sources; nor did I anticipate that after all those days of dedication, I would be discrowned from my positive perch and labeled a failure.

I have the INCREDIBLE opportunity to motivate others with my life story. I never intended to build a platform based on strife but when I decided to open up to the world about events I had conquered, I not only healed my scars but I also helped so many mend their own wounds. It has given me a deeper understanding and sincerity for others, and also helped me to become more human after years of denying my own happiness. I treasure the messages that I receive and while I may not have the amount of followers as others, the social media influence I have is heartfelt and inspiring others means way more than the amount of likes my photos can get. It was quiet honoring that I had so many people following my attempt in Vegas, and after a somewhat questioning result, my “fans” were more upset then I was, blasting up my pages with love and countless messages of support. I had such an incredible feeling of gratitude that helped me come to terms with the fact that Las Vegas just wasn’t my time to win my title but all that quickly fizzled away once I sat in the passenger seat of my mother’s infinity.

1. I grew up not being close to my family. It wasn’t a “thing” for us. We would see each other on some holidays but besides for both of my grandmothers being present in my life and seeing my uncles kids once in a while, family wasn’t made a priority during my youth. As I got older and could see the VAST differences in me vs my blood relatives, I began to alienate myself more because my lifestyle was just not cohesive with theirs, nor did I really want to be around them because I had adopted friendships that were more like family at that point. My dad, as I have mentioned before, is not a part of my life. Over the past 5 months or so I TRIED with everything in me to open up to him, even meeting him multiple times for food ( I even paid for a birthday breakfast for him) but it all failed miserably after the conversation was ONLY about him every time and he never tried to contact me on his own…I had to reach out if I ever wanted to hear from him. It’s a shame because it’s all based on my looks, not being his ideal model daughter that he had planned out or the fact that I’m an athlete over a house wife. Reality is that I’ll never be the daughter he dreamt of and while I’m confident in the woman I’ve become, the beauty I see isn’t feminine enough for him. After years of rejection I’ve finally come to terms with it after I know I  gave my all into forming a bond with him again and realizing that he wasn’t the super hero I as a little girl thought him to be. I have the confidence to not let men treat me with that same thought and i learned a great deal from this. But when my mother started bashing me when she picked me up from the airport, I was COMPLETELY taken aback because I would have expected it from him, NOT her.

Now, remember… I grew up with my grandparents so the mother daughter relationship didn’t have a great foundation to start with but we both have been working very hard on building one since 2014, which I was excited about. While I highly doubt Ill ever be able to call and tell her something exciting about a boy or have a true heart to heart with her, we were able to go out to dinner and hold conversations or I could call her if I needed quick advice. When I was in NY she asked so many times for me to come home, after being on my own since 17, due to her worry, so when I finally caved in back in September of 2016, I had high hopes for getting closer with her… boy was I wrong.

I’m nothing but an inconvenience and burden I had been told… I had interrupted their lives (meaning my step dad and her) …this after I was yelled at for cooking in the house. (don’t even get me started on the blasphemy of why I’m not allowed to cook certain things or use their fridge or get constantly reminded that I’m taking up their space) For the first time in my life, I REALLY need help and while there are past moments where  have asked for assistance with things, now that I legitimately ill, I need help more than ever and boy do I get reminded of how I’ve hindered them. They especially have made my prepping life difficult instead of trying to appreciate my dedication or respect my journey. I’m very much elated that they have both found happiness within each other, for their prior spouses were both not complimentary for them, (they both deserved better treatment) but I sincerely got the shit end of the stick being the middle child in their bond.

“if you can find insulin in the desert, then you can figure out how you will get food for the week.” one of the comments I heard on our hour long drive back from Newark airport. ‘You got yourself sick, so now your stuck.” …I know that she’s concerned about my health but her delivery was absolutely appalling. I had spent so much money in Vegas on medical necessities and food going into the show, that I had next to no money for groceries and while she KNEW I had nothing in the fridge, because I gave myself this condition… rolling eyes… I could figure out how to eat. Let that marinate for a moment… Now let me bring up some more thinking points… This was the first semi vacay I’ve had in 6 years because I’ve been busting my butt surviving and investing my earnings in bettering my future instead of enjoying my 20s… 7 weeks prior to me going to compete in Vegas, my mother and step dad went on vacation IN VEGAS!!! for a week and even though I asked her to wait to go when I was heading there, her response was…this is mine and ed’s vacation, so no. (one of the few a yr) My money has been poured into my condition and even though she KNEW I needed test strips and needles, I could still figure out how to obtain them because “you’re the titan right?”… let’s not forget my mother, while I’m very proud of her for her work ethic and drive to earn what she does, has a lot of money and surely the means to help out but since being home…the two of them have been less than complimentary with their behavior towards me. I don’t have children but I would think as a parent if you see your child living an exemplary life and struggling due to an illness, a parent would want to help their child succeed and be healthy. This is my type of lifestyle and what makes me happy. They go out 3 nights a week, come home and sit in front of the tv for 6 hours straight, eat lean cuisines and popcorn everyday…that’s just not me, no matter how much she tells me I have no life due to the way I live my life. Go figure, I get more crap being in this body building world then when I was an alcoholic, spending my time with a bottle and carton of cigarettes while drowning in tears and hopelessness… oh the irony.

I get it. We are different, but in no way does that mean she shouldn’t be proud of me. I wasn’t expecting a ticker tape parade coming home, but I wasn’t even asked (even though they got take out THE NIGHT I CAME HOME) “hey Chris. you just worked your ass off for 8 months…can I buy you dinner?” All I got was a jar of peanut butter followed by an hour of bashing going home and one I’m sorry you didn’t get your procard, which was then followed by its now time to give this up and move on… you tried and it didn’t work so you need to do something else. Want to hear the CRAZIEST part of this? My friends (who I consider family) have taken me out to celebrate my achievements …even though I had no physical trophy… and they bought me groceries… because they were COMPLETELY shocked by the lack of support I came home to. I wasn’t expecting a good luck from my dad but to get such lack of respect from my mom and step dad was utterly disgusting.

I can’t figure out what as a child I have done to receive such rejection from my parents. I have multiple families who view me as their own child or part of their clan, so why do my blood relatives find me so off-putting? My brother was so spoiled growing up, never got in trouble and lived with us for years without pressure for rent while he had parties and received help but I’m a burden bc I interrupted their retirement plans?! I felt so lost… so hurt… the stress made my edema kick on hard and my condition escalated for 2 days to the point I was having trouble breathing but was I asked, “hey Chris are you ok?”… no… and she wonders why I refuse to talk to them right now.

I felt ok with the finality of Vegas but when I returned “home” the only comfort I had was in friends and their love for me and my drive. I had more backing from followers and fans then with my own flesh which that was a huge reality check for me. So I set aside goals to keep me from the negativity for the next 8 months before I start prep again… Not only will I be HYPER focused on bringing my mass back up and get my health under control, I will be saving every penny and dime to get back on my feet again…this after I move to a “family” members house after I get to the doctor next month. Being in such a toxic and unwelcoming environment not only will hinder my progress in the gym but with my health as well…and I’m lucky to have this family like many others, see my thriving in what I love to do and deal with my disease.

I’ve never been one for excuses… I have my moments of weakness but I get out of a situation if It’s not good for me so this instance isn’t an exception to that rule. I’m extremely lucky to have the option where I can pick up the phone and call a multitude of people, if needed, and they would be right there to help. They believe in me and love me for who I am, not criticize me for the admiration and confidence body building has given to me. While of course I have my flaws, these people are true treasures because they accept my good and bad points for what they are; human in nature while strong in character. Not everyone has what I have, so yes I may lack relationships that are crucial in development, but God granted me incredible people to fill up those voids that were created. Granted, there have been moments where my mother has helped but since coming home from the abominable circumstances I faced in NY, the aura of love has been stifled as our relationship took a turn from growing to burdening.

I tell you my story not to ask for pity or condolences…shit that is the last thing that I want. What I truly want to convey with my story is the notion in being grateful for what you are blessed with, and not to focus on the stress that is presented but the light around it. I may not be gifted with direct family support, but my lord do I feel the resonated power from the strong and unwavering fans and “become” family I have. It is actually stifling how breathless at times I’m left to after reading the copious amounts of messages from inner and outer circles, and it leaves me humbled to think how lucky I am. In times where I’ve gotten so wrapped up in trying to accomplish my goals, I still had my support crew in the pits ready and willing to help if I needed it… and man, does my heart beat harder from that passion.

I love what I do and where it has gotten me. At times, yes my disease is hard to deal with but it has also gotten me the opportunity to bless others lives and better myself through strengthening my mission. When I do question or stagger in moments of weakness, I just take a breath to gather my thoughts and realize how much I do have.

Be one with your mission. Recognize how fruitful life is when you can interpret what you do have vs what you don’t. The power that can have in the universe is extraordinary compared to living in negativity day in and out. Watch what can happen 🙂

❤ Titan