It’s the wee hours into sunlight on 8/22/2017 and I receive a text message from one of my closest guy friends stating that I need to make sure I’m seated for the news he was about to tell me. I read the message in fear, because Toni knows how much of a worry wart I am by nature and I knew he wouldn’t be telling me this if it wasn’t something serious. After writing back a simply ok, I waited in bated breath for his return response and after the notification went off for a received message… all I can say is that I’m glad I was sitting down when I glanced at it.
I have three body builders who I’ve been actively following since coming across their competing careers; Big Ramy, Dennis Wolf and Dallas McCarver. To me they all embody something special whether it be physique, mannerisms or outstanding character, every one of them have caught my attention in some way. I’ve watched their training videos, how they eat, the way they address people, their lives outside of the gym; I had become fascinated by their roles in bodybuilding and in their day-to-day realities… especially With Dallas. He had memorized me after I came across him receiving his pro card back in 2012 at the young age of 21, when I was first starting off in the sport, and since I’ve become an active fan of his work ethic. He gave back to his community, talked to every fan, was open and willing to help others, genuine gentleman, a big teddy bear in a way…so his brute of an exterior was softened by his teddy bear care. When the incident at the Arnold Australia happened, many of us in the sport understood what really happened and I can honestly say I began getting really worried about his health…noticed he swtiched back coaches…I’ll never forget when he liked somewhere along the lines of 20 something of my pictures on ig, for I nearly died of a “fangasm” because for about 2 minutes of his life, he knew I existed. So when I received that second text message from Tony stating that Dallas had died… I felt as if a friend had passed.
If you are an avid part of this sport, you know as well as I do that the pros we follow become almost family even without them knowing it. Not in a creepy sort of way but its as if we shadow their existences especially with how much access we have to them via social media and the internet. They accompany us on our own journeys as we use their multi media displays as a gateway to channel our own motivations and as they progress through the sport, so do we which puts us even more engrossed into their worlds. We use their outpours as a way to cement our own desires and without even knowing it, we become more than fans, but our own body building family.
Less than a week later, I received yet ANOTHER text message from Tony saying “T… I need you to sit down again.” …my text back? “dude Dallas has already passed, please don’t be scaring me again.” Right after I read… ” I Love you T but Rich Piana died and I know how much you liked him.”… I couldn’t even answer. I had found out before anyone released the death of Dallas due to my connections but now someone else that I ambitiously followed has passed?!! I had known he was in a coma but come on this is a 5%er! No way could he be buried with the tank-o heart and gargantuan arms he had. The man embodied the motto NEVER GIVE UP. I was captivated by his honesty and I would often listen to his motivational speeches during my very difficult prep because he spoke only of the truth and of acceptance. And while he was controversial, people loved him for his utmost honesty which is rare nowadays. How could this be?! In less than a week, two HUGE icons in the body building reality were gone…stripped to early from their mortal lives with only questions and speculation looming to keep their legacy alive.
Not even a month before, while I’m backstage in Vegas for the biggest event of my life, did I come across a message reading that my friend Sean Harris had passed after falling asleep at the wheel…9 days out from tampa pro. I was lucky enough to call Sean a friend, him helping me through preps or just being a shoulder to lean on when I needed it. He had a rough and tumble exterior but a teddy bear heart, one that once you got to know, you cherished the conversations had because they were from the a deep place within him. A family man, he went above and beyond for his kids and to hear that we had lost not only a great coach but a good soul was heart wrenching. So as the news tumbled from Sean to Dallas to Rich… I began to think… was competing or the industry itself really what I wanted to be a part of with all of its dangers?
Now I AM NOT HERE TO SPECULATE, CRITICIZE, OR CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTIONS about these amazing athletes and men. While I didn’t know Rich or Dallas personally, I was an earnest fan of both so their deaths (especially Dallas due to his youth) really shook me. The media will say one thing and while we may never really know what happened to any of the men mentioned, it made me ponder the health and wellness in competing or being in the spotlight of body building itself, considering my own physical issues. Bodybuilding lifestyle is relatively healthy. You eat, sleep, train and live in a world dedicated to wellness but the competing aspect, while we look like the picture of purity…isn’t health conscious at all (mentally or physically) We put our bodies through HELL and deprivation; often lacking in sleep and nutrients all to embody a certain physical specimen that in reality will win us a plastic trophy and an ego boost. I ABSOLUTELY AND FULL HEARTEDLY have invested and loved the body building mentality which had engrossed nearly the last 6 years of my life but it wasn’t until recently, after getting really sick, did I begin to question stepping away momentarily to get my physical being back to internal tip top shape rather than the external look that was winning me shows. Couple that with the recent deaths of some of my favorite icons, it makes you think about verisimilitude of your dream.
In the aftermath of Dallas’ early passing, I sat in the gym looking into the mirror waiting for god to give me an answer to the copious amounts of questioning my mind was asking. Was it worth it? Could any of this happen? What about my own health issues? Was my yearning for a pro card really worth the amount of risk I take to get on stage? Why these men? Why these GOOD men? Does putting ourselves on these pedastles really make it worth it when our time could be cut short with the chances we take in the dangers that are in the competing realm? Lost in thoughts for a few days, I just went through the motions in the gym, unable to focus on the mind to muscle connection due to the pounding assessments running rampant in my worrisome mind. I had devoted YEARS to this idea of my pro card being my reasoning to success but after seeing what I did in Vegas then reading these messages about my fallen heroes, my heart and mind were at odds with what to make of my own future career goals.
I’m VERY lucky to have the support system I do because the ones close to me often set me straight. Without having a true blood family, I’ve adopted one hell of a bloodline because of this sport and no matter what, bodybuilding in its design has built a stable foundation in my very tornado like of a life. With a heavy heart, I reached out to those in my small inner circle with what was going on in the war of my head vs my heart and they all said the same thing… step back but go forward. At first I was unsure how all of them would agree considering they really don’t know each other but the common thread in their advice was me and my health. What they had meant by this was to recoil from the stage momentarily but dive head first into making the “titan brand” into something more potent than just the body building arena could handle… that I could continue my journey without focusing on just the pro card being my only mindset of success. That people like Dave Palumbo or Greg Valentino (someone who I have become great friends with and deeply respect) had their own successes without the ifbb pro title…and their love for the sport wasn’t dictated by their lack of a crown but by how they still actively participated without taking the health risks. As I listened to their words it sunk in, that I could recuperate my health and not give up on the dream just because I’m taking some time away from the stage, and nor will I be forgotten while I do so.
So the resolution is this, I will continue to very much be involved in living the lifestyle but for my own health and wellness I’m going to be stepping away from the stage for a while. I will get my pro card, that I can assure you because I have set my mind to that goal and I believe in my heart that I’m worthy of such a title BUT I’m going to get on the right path before taking the risk of the stage again. This style of living can be hard and fast, risky yet rewarding, tough but invigorating but I all too much know the reality of pushing my body to the limits even if it has been determined that I was genetically predispositioned to having cushings and diabetes. With reading this, I am not here to deter your goals or talk maliciously about an aspect of my life that will ALWAYS be a part of it, but I want you to think about rushing and putting your body through hell when maybe there can be a smarter way to getting to your destination. Take it from someone who’s sick now… competing and being on stage is an incredibly pleasing accomplishment but with the reality of these beautiful lives cut short…please think about the process to getting under the lights in the safest way possible
Whatever the truth is on how these men really passed is not what matters here…whats important to have sunk in is that their lives were cut short and because of it, there is a black cloud over our sport at the moment. These amazing spotlights in our industry gave a hope and heart to a seemingly ego driven animal, one that can eat you alive and spit you back out without hesitation if you are naive to its beastly ways. What I admired about these men was their outreach to the people who didn’t have their accolades and no matter what their cause of death truly was outside of what the media tells us, they will be remembered for the impact, especially in my thoughts, they made in their followers’ lives.
May you rest in peace and watch over our community.
O.M.G. on my grind 