Fire at Will

con·trol

verb
: to direct the behavior of (a person or animal) : to cause (a person or animal) to do what you want
: to have power over (something)
: to direct the actions or function of (something) : to cause (something) to act or function in a certain way
If I were to look back over the past few years, one of the biggest and most positive changes I have made for myself has been in regards to my temperament. While I was always smiley and joking around Tina, I had a rather ferocious temper when provoked. I didn’t like confrontation BUT if a situation presented itself or someone decided to get out of line, then my idea to never back down from a fight came into play. I wasn’t a bitch by any means, but neither was I the chic to fuck with. Whether I was protecting a loved one or defending myself, the thought of giving up or succumbing to someone else wasn’t in repertoire; Combine that mentality with my alcohol dependency and well the end result was one that produced many a story to tell. The two evils placed my hot head into even hotter water time and time again so when I sat down to re-evaluate my life, I knew the two issues would have to be changed drastically.

Over the past few months I’ve begun to notice my temperament become provoked more and more.But it wasn’t until a few days ago, when several events in one day pushed me to enact in my old ways, did I really see the old me come out again…someone I thought I left in the darkness of the years behind me. I reacted in the temper I used to show, going toe to toe (unfortunately over the keyboard) against menial individuals whose only purpose in life is to provoke productive people and downgrade winners because of their own insecurities. I acted under emotions, not threatened by their immature responses but rather their gall to come after me for no rhythm or reason. They are infamous in our industry, not famous, for their childlike and inappropriate behaviors and their only intention was to try to pull me down to their level, even though they all think they are higher than the “peons” they set out to provoke. Was I wrong in firing back at them with such density in my statements? In the heat of the moment, no…but after sitting down and recounting the lines texted on my phone I realized that I should have shown more control. I had a few conversations with some of my close friends that evening, reaching out for their opinions on the matter and after the lengthy talks I summarized their brash responses to hold one meaning, I must have more control because I’m better than that.

With positive progression brings hatred from outsiders and as I go further and further I’m noticing that with the journey there are people along the road to success who will do anything they can to trip my stride. While I receive plenty of love and support from my loved ones or even outsiders, there are always going to be people who think they have the right to make rumors about you or be critiques upon anything and everything that you do. I’m very much aware of this fact, especially now that I’m in the physique division, but even with that said my old defensive ways tend to flare when provoked to a certain degree, After a long chat with one of my close friends the other evening, he reiterated something to me over and over again, “These type of people feed off of your response T. Why? because you are giving them the attention that they are asking for. Why give them the negative when you can turn it around, shut them up and make them think when you respond in the positive?” He was right. While I had done it countless times before, I had allowed the three instances (all that occurred in one day) to blind me to all things sane and make me stoop down to the level that they were purposely trying to put my in. I’ve progressed so far from what I had been and in one day I regressed back to the girl fighting in the bar over some verbal altercation that escalated into a brawl. Shame on me…

As I drove home from the gym that night, I sat in silence…only my thoughts making a racket in the deafening white noise. I recollected my thought patterns and the things I wrote in the act of emotion and no fear rather than rational and maturity. I acted out due to defense for my loved ones and myself when in reality I could have let it go and it wouldn’t have made me look like the pussy I thought i would be portrayed as but rather the adult that I actually am. For the longest time I thought that if I stick up to these “neh sayers” and verbally go to bat against them that it would show them up, that maybe just maybe they could get a taste of their own medicine….wrong! These said types of individuals live for the smell of blood and will stop and nothing to make themselves feel superior by renegading against others for the sheer joy of negativity and drama. When I was talking to one of my teammates about these few “haterade drinkers” he instantly knew who I was talking about due to their reputation for being exactly that, haters. I was not nor will I be the last attacked by their bitterness towards anyone being on the upward, so after a long conversation and a killer workout I realized my mistake was equal to theirs and how to move on from it. I fell for their ankle biting trap and they can’t be blamed for the entire fault because i went up to bat and said some harsh things back. In the sweltering heat of adrenaline I lost it so unfortunately I chalk it up as a losing situation because these tragedy loving warts of existence prey on hardworking people as if it was their mission in life. I hear often that with growth comes pull back and in this instance I stepped about 10 steps behind.

Over the next few days, the messages about the events started pouring in. I didn’t realize how many people would have seen or known about what happened but it amazes me how they all had the carbon copied statement of, “you’re better than that.” I didn’t realize how many people were actually paying attention to something so small and that was the surprise I needed to see. I’m not famous by any means…but these people were infamous for the stunts that they constantly pulled against people so me being involved in this was shocking to the few who did know me. Oddly enough I had people contacting me who I didn’t previously know giving me props for even attempting the spit back. I got so much support and recognition that I didn’t even know how to react, making me realize why people like this attempt to debilitate others…fame. As far as i know I have a pretty good reputation, stemming mainly from the fact that I just don’t give up on something I desire and that I try to treat people with kindness and grace. (that’s what I hope I do) While I have a few followers, atrocities to society seem to have much more attention due to their animatistic ways and appalling behaviors. Let’s face it, shows like Jerry springer and Maury didn’t get their popularity from motivating others to be better people but rather the drama ensued from the topics the show presented and in a way that mentality is parallel to what I’m seeing from people in my industry. Are their people who inspire and who create amazing leadership in this sport? ABSOLUTELY. But go into a gym and majority of the time, in between sets people are yapping about someone causing someone else in the industry to go bizerk or hating on someone’s post because they look better than them. (omg she’s on steroids and has a clit the size of Canada because she has bigger muscles than me and I’m a dude) We all have been there and whether joking around or not some creatures actually get off on vocalizing this to the masses just to get the spotlight on them if there isn’t enough attention of the limelight shown towards them. And we aren’t only getting attention from other competitors or outsiders when we engage in these childlike arguments, but sponsors notice these things too. It’s a small industry and no big company is going to want to highlight a hot head or someone detrimental to their name and brand. I carry myself in a certain matter not only because it’s who I am but because if I want to get ahead in this sport I want people to notice positive consistency in my behaviors. if they have a representative or anyone involved in their company notice even a small negative reaction from me, the thought of their sponsorship may be jeopardized and for what? To momentarily defend myself against someone who doesn’t even know me? Who looks like the asshole then?

 

The day after the situations occurred I decided to do some homework and get a better grasp on how these said haters received so much attention from the general public. I sat for a while, scrolling through past posts and pictures, noticing the comments received and the responses back and I noticed one thing…their urgency for any type of attention. Now I wont frown of their ways of life, not my place to and if I did it would only make my purpose in this world as menial as theirs BUT I will say this, I’m very lucky that they chose me to hound on. Hear me out. This whole circle of episodes and my reaction to them all made me step back and refocus my thought patterns and direction to my journey. I’ve been so caught up in making posts and keeping the public up on my progression in the sport I love that I set myself up for their games to be played upon me. There was nothing wrong with me blasting up motivational sayings or flex shots on social media, writing inspirational sayings or showing my support for the underdog by being vocal about where I’ve come from BUT I was blind to not believing that i would be targeted to skeptics. Look at a pro body builders social media pages, they are constantly ratted on about their form, or their body shape or food choices…being drowned in others prejudice or insecurities due to their highlighted successes. How they react though is what makes them winners, not only their “pro card” status. I dream of being a professional athlete, having the abbreviation before my name means the world to me considering I may never have the opportunity to go back to school and finish my degree but with that honor must come a shift in my behavior and a cooler response to other’s less than favorable reaction to my profits. Here I am training hard, smiling harder and hoping to help lead others to the idea of “never giving up” and in one hard fell swoop I counteracted all my hard work to look like a hot headed goon. While no one is perfect and we all have our moments, these doubters gave me a wonderful opportunity to enlighten my attitude and actually excel me to think before I react. Not saying anything to someone in response to their negativity doesn’t mean I’m the weaker but in actuality it shows my rapport to match my intentions.
As I look down at the keyboard, I see the scar from a specific fight years ago that involved my hand going through a chunk of glass. Along my knuckles lie the memories of a black out night, bits and pieces of recollection from an evening filled to the top of a shot glass and partaking in defending someone against a silly rumor being spread. It’s a reminder of who I used to be and where I won’t go back to for anyone; not even the crash souls I recently dealt with nor the future egotists I’ll deal with as I progress. I’m here to prove a point but not in a brash way by forcing myself upon the world and making myself known by the stunts I pull or the revealing photos I post for likes…I’m here to tell the stories that God granted me the voice to speak with, the lessons learned through life’s trials and the smiles earned from appreciation to what is given. I’m stronger than the girl with the scars on her hand, not because I lift but because I lead now with motivation rather than intimidation like I did before. I have a place in life now that I worked hard to get to, and no one nor any rumor is going to deter me anymore from that.

I’m on a path with a specific result but has an ambiguous journey. I’m sure many more instances like this will occur, where someone will be completely out of line and I’ll have to calm my senses down before responding to their idiocracy. No matter who you are, if you are displaying good behavior your positives will ultimately highlight someones insecurities or negatives, even if that wasn’t the intention. No matter what or who comes in your path, breath and CONTROL your output because it will decide your future not theirs.

 

Fire at will for you choose the ammo you bring to a fight

2015 The Year Of Promise

A year in review

 

Its amazing how much can be done in 365 days. Both good and bad, the mistakes learned from and the rewards reaped have been quiet fruitful this year. I’ve gone through many highs and sank in many lows, gained strength from my faults and happiness from my successes, profited from many new relationships and broke bonds with negative alliances. With this one chapter of my ever so growing life, I have made more progress in finding who I really am and in turn gained more respect from it. Its surprising in a way to see the positive change my life has made from only a year’s passing and in retrospect I wish I had done it sooner. I’ve planted a seed of promise in my soul and spread roots to secure my once insecure mindset and in return I’ve curbed the wind of doubt that for so long poisoned my growth. I’ve loved and lost, smiled and actually shed a fuckin tear!, grieved and celebrated and as I read through the blogging over these past months, I realize one

common thread…I’ve made myself human again.

 

It’s been a year since I started my blog about my journey to be a physique pro and as I recollect on all the entries typed, I see the massive changes I’ve made over the days spent typing fevershly on the key board. My body has become something I only visioned this time last year, built through countless hours in the house of iron, sculpted through dedication and a stubborn work ethic. Im becoming the woman I only dreamt of at a time in my life that I didn’t have the confidence to really believe I had what it took to get to be the person typing this blog. I’ve cried, bleed, sneezed, fuck basically pissed myself while pushing the weights around all in effort to mold my battered body into the “dream physique” I envisioned. I look at myself now, covered in layers of nutrition and bad assery and I realize that all the effort I’ve put into this past year is paying off and not only in a physical sense.

 

In a multitude of ways I’m a better human being then The girl who wrote the masterpiece in the making, my first entry. I’ve come to realize who to cherish in my life and who to leave behind, who will benefit my growth and who will hinder it, who will be there to catch me if I fall and who will try to trip me along my journey to success. From the men I’ve dated to the friends I’ve chosen and even to the family I thought I had, I’ve been able to put value into people and restore my belief in human kind all by opening my heart again to seeing individuals for who they are. Let’s face it, with my past I’m surprised I havent shut off interacting with people in general BUT I refuse to be the old bitter Tina again. Why would I want to regress just because another person tried to deceive me? It’s going to happen, especially in the industry I reside in..the two faced sport derived from ego and “false Fame” but there are the ones like myself who don’t have wrong intentions and I’m learning to separate the good from the evil. Back a year ago, I couldn’t say the same with some of the choices I was making in who I kept around me, male or female. I went through some horrid circumstances with people in 2014, including being completely conned by my now ex best friend, losing my relationship with my father and totally mislead by the man I loved causing what I would have thought to be the typical Tina response… completely shutting everyone out and keeping my heart away from even the innocent. Instead I grew from it and while at times I wanted to hide back in my thick shell, I have made conscious decisions this year to not allow people to keep me sheltered like i have escaped to in the past. I shut everyone out, keeping this steel exterior, only a counterfeit smile and straight edged posture exposed to hide the pain over years of unfortunate circumstances I’ve dealt with. In these past months, I’ve given people chances and in actuality, besides for the dating world (because that area just fuckin blows and can kiss my tiddlywinks) my trust in mortals has paid off into some of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever had. Unfortunately due to time, schedule and other aspects of life, the frequency in which I see these amazing individuals has become less but it isn’t because my love for them has faded. These loving souls know who they are and I’m eternally grateful to them, for they shared my moments struggling to the stage, were there for me while I was on stage and have followed me on the next chapter of my journey since stepping off of the stage. I couldn’t have passed the struggles (financially and emotionally) of getting to TEAM U last year without them and while my BLOOD family won’t ever be a part of this, I know who my real family is just by the situations god put in my path over this time.

 

I look at 2015 as the year of hopeful expectations. Prior, I was EXTREMELY stubborn in what I wanted to accomplish, moody if I didn’t obtain even the smallest of goals due to my intense competitive personality. But this year is different, Ive matured, I’ve come face to face with why I was so hot headed and hyper focused and with that realization comes a clarity that’s indescribable. If you have read any of my blogs, majority of where my drive had come from was to either escape or mask the pain I have endured over the past 10 years, the loss I had suffered from or the aching in my soul from living on and off of the streets. I chose to center my frustrations into my work ethic but in actuality it didn’t help me recover, rather it made me only worse by concealing the memories into another addiction, competitiveness. It wasn’t until I won the Atlantic states that I realized this, stepping off that stage after 19 months of hard work and saying to myself I finally did it but what did I get out of it? Prep for that show was pain staking, I was NOT a pleasant person to deal with and with my x being the forefront of alot of my anger issues I shoved my emotions into my workouts and I managed to not only go to extremes but injure myself also during the process. I wasn’t paying attention to the real meaning of it and while I wrote about healing myself through the journey, it honestly wasn’t until I was laying alone in a NYC hotel room at 4am holding my trophies that I came to terms with it all.I shut myself off from the world with the excuse of “being in prep” but in reality I didn’t know how to separate the drive fueled by my past from the mission at hand. This year is different though because with that realization has come a multitude of difference in me. I have about 9 weeks until I start prepping for another shot to get my pro card and Im not only determined to get better than 4th place but this time around

my prep is going to be managed in a different light. I have an AMAZING team and support system to push my mindset away from the loner I’ve always been. At the Atlantic states show I had over 25 people come to support me, making shirts and flooding the audience with their screams. To my surprise, my mother after years of not being a part of my life, showed up as well and since she saw all the love and support I was getting from my non blood family, she has proven herself to be a part of my life again…one of the most rewarding parts of this journey. I’ve made the decision to film alot of my prep to open myself up to the world even more, to prove to myself that I can share my weaker moments and not be criticized for showing emotion. I’ve lived for years with a steel exterior, refusing to show any type of “weaker exterior” to the outside world which has cause me to actually be unable to cry (honest truth, to physically cry is something I’ve unfortunatel blocked from my mind) and in the past put me into the darkness of solitude. I show a smile to the world but this time when I show my pearl whites, it will have validity behind it.

 

I’m ready for the challenge, and not only the mission of prep. I’m ready to be in the forefront of a movement to show the world that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Here in lies not only a girl wanting her victory but a woman set on a path to pave the way to a new view on women’s body building. Im about as raw as they come, I tell it like it is but there is a passion behind the blunt truth I speak. I want people to see the humanity and devotion it takes to put on muscle and compete in a division that is constantly criticized for our look. I want to motivate and inspire women to be happy with themselves and even if they aren’t in the body building field, to not allow social pressures to change their view about their own bodies. I’m sexy, fabulous and fit whether I’m dieted down or bulking and I want the masses to see that all it takes is the proper mindset to be beautiful not necessarily your exterior. I intimidate men alot by the weight I push so the negative commentary I get most of the time is fueled by their insecure self views but if you stripped away the weights and gains, you would see the genuine and real woman behind the steel and that is beauty in itself. We get a bad rap because as women, just because you have a bit of muscle we are automatically on tons of drugs and have clits the size of the titanic, but in actuality take a day with me (which with the filming I’m planning on doing, you will see this) and you will see all the hard and dedication I use on the daily to get to where I am. I want to show the rawness, the honesty in hard work, the artistry of sculpting the statue I envision and that this sport isnt animalistic but rather a making of a masterpiece.

 

I write with passion, live my day with purpose, walk a line so thin that at times the balancing act of it all seems death-defying but every molecule I’m made up of is driven for my own form of success. God gave me the struggles of my past to prove to me that I have what it takes mentally to withstand the speed bumps of this journey and i too have the leadership tools to help my loved ones along the way. I hope to continually share my love for what I do and the growth I’m experiencing with finding myself to the public so they can see the humanity in the sport. When i decided to turn my life around 4 years ago, i was setting my sights on a goal without direction. I knew what I wanted to do but I had yet to find the catalyst to help propel my yearning for achievement and growth. Body building saved me from possibly living a life of solitude and bitterness driven from the harsh nightmares I’ve lived through. That all has changed and the beauty that I find in

my dedication and passion for sharing my new found self with my peers brings me a better strength than only weights alone could lift. I was put on this earth to show that the under dog can make it to the top (my own meaning of that anyway) and that you can literally do anything you put your mind to. We are all meant to do something in life, I was lucky enough to find my passion and be able to inspire people to find theirs. I’m truly blessed to be able to help others and find myself along the path to my victory.

 

Are you ready for the next chapter fo the Titan?

 

#nevergiveup