Make a wish and blow

Its 11pm on the evening of my 26th birthday and I’m drinking a cup of lavender tea, smiling as I think about the day that I gave to myself. This year was completely different from the past few birthdays, where I would lock myself away from the world, refusing to celebrate a day with what seemed to have no meaning. I closed up to the idea of rejoicing another year because my mindset was stuck in the past, my heart still bitter from the life I had yet to accomplish as another year came and passed by. But this year…this year things changed. I’ve changed. People changed. Life has changed. With another year of youth behind me, the growth I have made has been signficant. So instead of participating in my normal caveman ways, I decided to make a step in the direction I am hoping to lead in, forward, and in turn I realized many things in just one day of celebration that I couldn’t have eating peanut butter and watching scarface like my prior tradition entailed.

For the past few years I’ve had a custom for my birthday, to be left alone and only to come into contact with people while I was paying for my spa treatments. I would lock myself up getting pampered by strangers and then come home to an empty house and watch my favorite movie and eat my cheat meal of peanut butter and ice cream. I didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, celebrate with anyone…nothing. My reasoning? I hated the fact that another year had gone by and I hadn’t accomplished any of my goals. The thought of getting older and not having things come into fruition that I was working hard towards was the mindset that kept me in solitary confinement year after year. I couldn’t help but be consumed by the thought of failure so why would I want to rejoice another year if I felt like I had wasted the last peddling without going forward? I had these goals stuck in my head that at a certain time in my life I would make come true, so as the years went by and my proclamations to success failed me, I sank deeper and deeper into a lost cause mindset.

Look back upon your youth and think about a time where you envisioned your future. We all have made these images of where our lives would be 10 years down the road, like when we gabbed with our 16 year old girlfriends on a CORDED phone about the last saved by the bell episode, wondering if we would be the next “slaterette”. but even something as menial as a dream date in the future, we set our sites on and hope by a certain age we have attained something similar to what we pictured 10 years prior. We set these mental check points for the future and as time creeps by (and I say this especially for women)  the pressure of these marker points can get pretty heavy. It important to have goals and an idea when you would like to accomplish them by, but I took it to another excessive level (not surprised at all considering my personality). I’m a planner by nature. Everything I do in life has to be scheduled, routine and mapped out or else I can’t function and get SEVERE anxiety so when it comes to my future and what I want to accomplish, I uphold the same mindset. The problem is that I applied it to EVERY aspect in my life, from romance to finances to career to athestetics…I pinpointed everything when I was younger in this fantasy of mine and unfortunately once I set my mind on something, well I’m too damn stubborn to let it go. So as time passed on and the goal points weren’t met, I couldn’t help but feel more and more defeated towards my life. I was witnessing my peers obtaining their dreams and even though I was in the process of cleaning up the damages of my super storm past, I was stricken by jealousy that I still was missing out on life. I was struggling financially, finding myself in unworthy relationships, still unable to finish school, lackluster progress with my physique…so why on earth would I have wanted to celebrate the new year of the same thing after years of having it. I looked like a failure to the outside world, comparing myself to my friends who were finishing college or getting married or buying houses and here I was just struggling to get by. My best friends, my few family…no one could break through the barrier I had made to stay sequestered and the funny thing is that no one had any clue why I wouldn’t want to celebrate…and I prefered to keep it that way. I had put these ideas in my head of what success looked like, but being that I was a 12 year old kid, conjecturing a dream about anything of real life is asinine and completely unrealistic. It wasn’t until the circumstances of 2013, how I endured them and the way I conducted myself from those lessons, that I realized that all that I imagined as successful really didn’t fit into where my life was heading and that even though I do eventually want what I had planned out, didn’t mean I had to set exact dates to be successful in my life.

 This past year I have grown in leaps and bounds. I began to phase into myself more and accept many of the demons in me to work with instead of against. I really made a conscious effort to control my past anger issues and make decisions that were to better my life, not cause more drama for it. I have written away many negative aspects of who I once was and the people who enticed my bad behavior, making sure I was setting myself towards a positive result rather than a disciplinary set back. I’ve begun to let people in again, but I’m recognizing signs of negative similarities better. I’m seeing myself in a new light, even though at times I feel like I’m in the dark and I don’t tolerate things that before I would have slumpishly accepted. I have completely and whole heartedly decided on my career path and have dedicated myself to the journey down it, even if people aren’t accepting of my decision. I’ve given up many things that weren’t of necessity to improve my finances and made a conscious effort to focus on future spending habits. But while my focus was to just better myself and make sure I grew instead of stepped backwards, I have ended up improving and influencing the lives around me.

I have been mildly aware that I’ve been achieving one of my goals of motivating my peers but I didn’t realize just how much until this past week. With my birthday approaching, the inundation of support and messages has been overwhelming. The cards alone, stating how much of a difference I’ve made or how much I’m loved due to how I inspire people or even down to others seeing the positive path I’m on and the potential it holds, is a pretty amazing feeling. It’s really been trying to set out on accepting myself, seeing my faults for what they are and in the process I’ve also been doing something I set out to do without knowing it, being a motivator. So it got me thinking, even though I don’t have the things that I dreamed of as a young girl, I still have accomplished my place in this world. At 13 years old I couldn’t have pictured the horrific things I went through over the past few years so when I set those life points up in my head, I wouldn’t have accounted for the set backs life threw at me. I had this image in my head of how my life would turn out and because God had given me the exact opposite, I felt as if I had failed because I hadn’t accomplished what I thought to be what the world should have of me. And while it’s hard to have the pressure of family or society breathing down my throat to have a college degree or a serious romantic relationship, I have made leaps and bounds in my own personal growth that a piece of paper or man couldn’t give to me.  By my mid 20’s I had planned out a certain fate for me, but I’ve learned that just because I didn’t fulfill it, doesn’t mean I should succumb to the thought of failure.

There will always be people who have more than you, but there are also people who will have less. As society we conjure up these ideals that money=power=success=fame. So it’s easy for a person who has little money to not feel powerful in a world so stricken with gluttony and greed. But when you come from living in your car, you take a different view on what priorities and success really entail. I’ll never forget being 18 and  spending the night shivering in my truck in the back of a deserted shopping center…for close to 3 weeks I didn’t know where I would shower or how I would eat. It put me into a place of bitterness and hatred for the life I had been given. But now that I sit in my warm apartment writing this entry in the light that I pay for, I realize how lucky I was to be freezing in those horrible conditions or how blessed I am to have come this far from the life I once had. It took me a long time to release the anger I had as I watched teenagers my age go to college without having so much responsibility on their shoulders but I wouldn’t be where I am today without those life lessons, so I wouldn’t change what I went through for a plush life. Sounds weird right? Wrong. Now I’m not saying that privileged people don’t appreciate their luxuries but the way I view success now has changed as I’ve liberated my past demons from a locked heart. This past year, I’ve recollected a lot of my past and found solstice in the baggage that I’ve carried for years. So instead of locking myself up as another year passes, this year at the last minute (a big part due to my best friend) I changed my plans. I realized that just because I’m not swimming in green doesn’t mean I’m not a powerful person. I work hard to live this dedicated lifestyle, to afford the hefty price tag that competing holds, so rather than investing in a home I’m investing in myself instead. So I don’t drive a BMW or own a Versace bag, it doesn’t mean I’m behind others, it means I’m putting my priorities into MY interests NOT society’s. Powerful has plenty of connotations to it, so why hone it solely on finances or significant purchases? every day I’m reminded how powerful I can be by my passion for my hobby. I evoke people s thought about improving their lives, and that itself is a tool of influence and capability. I’ve chosen to not only live this life but act upon it, hoping that in the interim I’m helping people believe in their bodies and the journey that parallels. I believed that life’s marker points were the set stone ways to determine your worth, when in reality the affirmation that I’m successful comes in my daily behaviors and shows through the people who I surround myself with. To feel continual support or to hear that I’m making a difference just by doing something that I truly love, is my new view on success.

So this year, with the candles lit and loved ones surrounding me, I closed my eyes to make a wish of a different kind. I wished to continue the path that God set me on, to keep on doing what I love but to also never give up on the people around me; To not allow my past demons to keep me from the pleasures of living and loving and to go to sleep at night with a sound conscious of knowing Im bettering the lives of the people around me. After I blew out all the candles and hugged all my students, I realized that all the darkness in the years before was lit by the genuine smiles of the people around me. And let me tell you, seeing that was freedom in itself

One day, I’ll make those other dreams, that I made up 10 years ago, a reality. I have enough spirit to believe and know what I’m capable of. I’ll go back to school and get that piece of paper that I desire so badly but haven’t had the means of acquiring. One day I’ll meet my swolemate and we will lunge down the aisle together in all its burning glory. I’ll buy my dream home, equip with a juice bar and fill it with jr. swolettes. And I’ll fulfill all the other things I dreamed of as a young, naive girl but first I have to attain the dream that wasnt originally planned out. The one I wake up to every morning and sweat out on the treadmill for. The one I work 50+ hours a week plus invest my body in to obtain. The one that is helping not only bring me strength physically but mentally for as well. The one that is helping my peers believe that when you put your mind to something, you can obtain the wildest corners of your imagination towards your life’s picture. That goal? Well it’s a three-letter word that says it all in one breath. Pro.

Another year has passed but at 26 I’m better set for what’s in store. Going forward my tradition has changed. no more locking myself away at the thought of failure just because I didn’t achieve what I thought I would in a certain time period. I’m my own definition of success. Now birthdays will be a means to rejoice and be grateful for not only growing older but wiser in the process. And the wishes that i make as I blow out the candles won’t be for my life to change due to the negativity in my thoughts but for the change in progress. Power and success is how you view and control it, and with a name like Titan, I plan on doing a lot of progress.

Train Insane, Off Season Regime

Whether an occasional gym goer or hard-core athlete, finding the correct workout for your specific needs is tough. Read a fitness magazine or browse through any social media and you will find a plethora of workouts to choose from. Toning, building, fat loss, muscle mass, high intensity, strength gains…you name it, they will have it. So how do we find out what is beneficial for our own bodies? How do we know what to incorporate that will help to achieve our goals and not waste our time or possible cause us injury? Where do we start? Who do we question? Where do we go?!

See how it can get overwhelming…

I’m often asked about my style of training; how I workout, on what days, with what weight and what certain way. So I’ve decided to write an entry about my training, not to tell people to train the way I do, but what I’ve learned through experience (some good and bad) and what has worked for me during my off season training.

While being a trainer, I specialized in weight loss, so going into body building gave me a challenge for learning what were the best measures to help me grow. Gaining muscle has been a tough battle for me. I’ve always been a stronger female but having it show via mass has been an interesting feat. I’ve heard so many opinions over the past year and a half…lift only up to 8 reps or pyramid set or super set or do half reps or have 2 minute rest times…jesus everyone has an opinion AND WAS MORE THAN WILLING TO SHARE! So after I experimented (got hurt a few times) and learned through trial and error, I developed my own plan of action to help me gain over these past 4 months.

Around August of 2013 I decided to stop listening to everyone elses banter and began to cater to my own body’s needs. I would take 3 weeks in a clip and try out a certain style, stick with it and record my opinions, progress and how I felt through the training sessions. I would pair different body parts on certain days of the week or incorporate pump sets or time rest periods uniquely or do cardio unusually. While I had a coach to give me suggestions, I wanted to make sure listening to my body was priority over what the “standard” was for gaining lean muscle mass. After about 3 months of trial and error, I summed up the data and put together my game plan, pertaining to what the body gave in response to my hard work. What was my result? I found out the best method for my off season regiment was a modified form of pyramid training. Now typically pyramid training is when you go up in three tiers for weight, decreasing reps and increasing weight then head back down increasing reps and decreasing weight. Now I always start out with 18-20 reps per new exercise, NO MATTER WHAT. Even if I’m warmed up, I enjoy getting a bit of a pump in prior to lifting heavy. So my moderation of the pyramid consist of starting with 20 rep “warm up” then going up while decreasing reps for 2 sets, staying at the third tier twice then going back down once. Confusing?? Here’s an example:

Set 1: 20 reps (lighter warm up)

Set 2: 12-15 reps (moderate weight)

Set 3 & 4: 8-10 reps (heavy but CLEAN!!!!!)

Set 5: 12-15 (moderate weight)(try pushing the same weight as the second set and see how tough it is)

Now that is for ALL UPPER BODY ONLY during off season training. My leg regiment is completely different for gaining season considering my injuries. I have to be extremely careful with the weight that I push due to me only having about 75% of my left knee available. While my right leg can handle the push, I have to be cognizant of angles, pressure and force that I apply to my left side. Training SMART and getting blood into the muscle is what makes you grow, NOT JUST HEAVY WEIGHT!! (there’s the misconception everyone develops for mass gains) I’ve been able to gain dense muscle through proper training and while my legs aren’t huge, they have developed a nice shape and sweep through my methods even with a reconstructed knee. I separate my leg day in order to be able to give all that I’ve got into the muscle applied. Mentally taxing, leg day is not only an exhausting day for my body so in order to maintain myself throughout the training session I do a split of quads, light glutes and abs then on another day hammies and glutes. [ I have a small obsession about having the perfect butt so I intend to work my ass on instead of off 😉 ] No matter what day I have legs on, I always start off with a 10 minute walk followed my 3 sets of 40 paced body weight lunges to properly warm up. Then I move to weights where I execute a variation of a squat, which we all know I LOVE. Now here is where my leg day set up comes into play for squats, hack, vertical press, and leg press exercises (single and double leg).

Set 1: 18-20 reps warm up (moderate pace, even weight no struggle)

Set 2: 15 reps (moderate weight, moderate pace)

Set 3: 10-12 reps (heavier weight SLOW REPS WITH PAUSE BEFORE POSITIVE)

Set 4: 8 reps (about 20 pounds more than set 3 SLOW REPS WITH PAUSE BEFORE POSITIVE)

Set 5: 12 reps (Moderate from set 2 but SLOW REPS WITH PAUSE BEFORE THE POSITIVE)

Set 6: 15 reps (moderate weight moderate pace)

Due to my injuries, I’m strictly forbidden from dead lifts. Whether straight legged or bent, because of my bulging disks, barbell dead lifts have been omitted from my program. But there are a plethora of other exercises I can do to build my  hammies and glutes. For all other leg exercises I decide to partake in (towards the later part of my workout) the set up consists of a regular tear set up of 5 sets gradually going up with weight and down with reps and the 4th and 5th sets being of heaviest weight at a 8-10 rep range. (don’t forget the squeeze upon completion of the POSITIVE ACTION!!!) It is extremely important to keep in mind that during the exercises, even though rep range is shorter, exertion on the positive and the negative is on equal time. Meaning, I don’t just release the negative and forget about the benefits from both attributes of the exercise. Remember, complimentary muscles are being worked on the negative and you can achieve maximum results by keeping a steady pace, not just letting go of the weight. If it’s to heavy for you to equally apply pace, than lower the weight and your ego. There’s nothing pussy about lifting lighter and having proper form and function. PERIOD! To add the icing on the cake, at the end of every workout I finish with walking lunges, usually 30 paces each direction (60 paces all together) 2 sets with 80 pounds…jesus. If that doesn’t lay you flat-out then I don’t know what would.

Now you’re probably thinking that with this workout set up im in the gym for about 5 hours but that’s far from the truth. I do 5-6 exercises per leg day with a rest period of anywhere between one minute to one minute 30 seconds depending on the set and weight. But with the set up I’ve made up, Im not only exhausted by the end but the burn I get is long-lasting. I see people try to incorporate 10 different exercises in one day, but how much benefit are you gaining from those last couple of sets when you exhausted yourself 2 hours ago on the first round of squats? Not much and you increase your chances of injury due to your level of muscle fatigue…so stick to a few exercises and bang out the more complex ones in the beginning when your body is still fresh. Don’t attempt a 300 pound squat for your finale act…your back will thank you.

As for my training split, I played around ALOT with my set up. I knew that I had to incorporate 2 leg days and 2 shoulder days due to leg days being so taxing and also that my shoulder game needed to be stepped up GREATLY in order for me to do well on stage. After much trial and error, my final plan has worked extremely well for gains and recovery time. Not saying this works for everyone but due to my time being limited between jobs, I had to make sure my schedule was valuable to my growth and schedule. My off season split consisted of:

Monday: Bis and tris

Tuesday: Quads, light glutes and back (rowing exercises only for thickness)

Wednesday: Off

Thursday: Chest, super set shoulders (only day I did super setting so that I could get another shoulder day in…but no front delts)

Friday: Back (pull down exercises for width) abs

Saturday: Hamstrings and glutes

Sunday: Shoulders

So now that I had my weight regimen set in stone, I had to install my cardio routine. While it may have been gaining season,  keeping healthy and heart happy is important as well as gaining mass. My metabolism is tricky though and can really be finicky with keeping weight on so cardio has to be regulated and specific. After putting my thoughts in with my coach we decided on the following: 3 days zumba, 2 days post workout 35 minutes on 15% incline moderate pace. (leg muscles tight) This worked out wonderfully because my knee had been acting up and needed time to rest. I’m unable to do the stairmaster due to my knee and the swelling so with incorporating the steep incline on the treadmill, I was able to maintain muscle and do cardio…BINGO!! I was getting varied heart rate training through my Zumba class but also getting steady cardio through the treadmill, so my body was able to get 2 different kinds of workouts without too much of an impact on my injuries. I got an hour of intense cardio through zumba (and if you’ve never taken my class then you don’t know what intense is tehe) three times a week and then I did 2 days of moderate exercise that allowed me to stay relatively lean and allow growth. Plus I didn’t have to spend to much time on the dreaded hamster wheel…funny how I used to be a cardio bunny now I can’t stand it!

You don’t need to do an insane amount of different exercises to achieve maximum results. Do the workouts with proper form and you would be amazed how swore you are the following day and how much benefit you can obtain from training smart. I spent a lot of time and thought into putting together the proper training routine for my goals and with the ok from my coach, I’ve been able to make great progress in many aspects with what I’ve put together. While my workout may help your needs I recommend experimenting and putting together your own system pertaining to your goals and if you can implement some of my strategies, then I hope it helps 🙂

Preparation is the key to success.

I am Here

I want to say I’ve lived each day until I died

And know that I meant something in somebody’s life

The hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave

That I made a difference and that this world will see

I was here.

When it comes to matters of the heart, I’m a quiet person. It’s tough for me to admit when my soul is plagued with doubt or hurt. I’m not one to emotionally reach out or talk about things that are weighing me down. I deal with the devil inside, allowing my thoughts to sometimes consume me and rather than finding even a best friend to reach out to, I just put it into my workouts. This past week has really proven how strong my foundation and drive are to keep going in my goals. It was a rough week, dealing with hunger and exhaustion but more so with the emotional toll certain situations had taken on me. I feel myself going backwards; my aggression is getting worse and my past anger management issues are surfacing again. There are two powerful and possibly detrimental issues going on in my life right now that if I wasnt as strong as I’ve become, could halt my contest prep.   And that came all to real on Saturday.

One of the biggest downfalls I have is that I can’t cry. Yes can’t…not won’t can’t. (and I know my clients who read this will tell me to do 10 burpees for saying cant the next time that they see me lol) I wouldn’t wish upon anyone the mental blockage I have to not be able to release emotion like a normal person. It’s more of a curse than a blessing, keeping me from truly healing in certain circumstances. Considering the 2 situations I’m dealing with, the heaviness in my heart should outweigh the block. There’s two people who have caused me much pain, both of which I live with the guilt of not being able to fix our issues in. While I’ve tried, the perfectionist in me can’t let go of the feeling of failure that in no way those relationships can be saved by me. With me being in a transition stage and many good things happening, I’ve been wanting to share it with these 2 once important figures in my life and the realization that they are gone or don’t deserve to be in my life has been devastating. I’ve been locked up in the gym, not realizing the things around me and while my workouts have left me RIDICULOUSLY  sore, I’m still feeling lost, which is totally abnormal for me. Usually I kill a workout and I feel back to myself. Equally as bothersome is that fact that my anger is starting to come back. I have been more aggressive and easy to jump at people and that realization is a scary one. I put that girl in my past, locked the key and don’t ever want her to break out. I caused myself much pain by enticing altercations before, physical and verbal, so to start lashing out when now I would let things slide, is uneasy for me.  So I couldn’t help but wonder how my progress would be effected if my mindset was in a predicament.

Saturday I did my normal routine of fasted cardio, physical therapy, work then gym but on an abnormal route I decided to put on my headphones during my drive to the gym. Under usual circumstances, I drive in silence but instead with the windows ablaze and sun shining, I rocked out to a shuffled playlist. As I pulled into the parking lot of WOW this slow song came on and it hit me like the ton of bricks with the lyrical interlude that blasted in my ears. I walked right into the gym, past the iron and straight into the classroom, where I just started to pose. In only 3 attempts, I nailed my posing routine for my show, with this slow but powerful song resonating in the background. I can’t explain what came over me, but in meer moments I had choreographed my entire night show routine without even having to think about it. Having a dancing background helps but for some reason I felt this power take over me and I was just following the motions that were being propelled through me. Then out of no where, after sitting and visualizing myself on stage and going through the graceful steps, I cried. Picturing myself, in the movement of my dreams while the words that I live my life by are blaring in the background got me to being out emotions that I was stiffling, It was this silent weeping, not a loud sob nor gut wrenching cry, just tears. When I say that it has been months…I mean I have no clue when the last time I actually shed a tear was…so for me to be so moved by a song to have that release was very odd. I hit replay, I listened carefully to the words and this stood out:

I just want them to know

That I gave my all, did my best

Brought someone some happiness

Left this world a little better just because

I was here.

I had gotten so wrapped up in the 2 negatives in my life, that I bypassed all the positive energy that I have had around me. I have the BLESSING given to me to uphold by inspiring and motivating my peers, something that on a normal basis I thrive upon. I don’t want this dream of being a pro only for me, but to prove to others that you can accomplish anything that you’re willing to put work towards. I want to know that I’m making a difference during this journey, that my mission is not only for self fulfillment but to also spark my peers into following their dreams and staying focused on their paths. I allowed these two men, one of relation and one of love, to deter me from one of the original purposes that this whole journey has, to prove my positive mark (whether it be small) in this world. The feeling of failure took over me and I allowed doubt to consume me rather than accepting the reality of loss. So when I wrapped up my routine and exhausted myself from the weights I vowed to myself to change that mentality. I have come so far in the past few years, that regressing back to my old ways is just not an option.

Later that night I went out to celebrate my friend’s birthday with a whole group of girls. I NEVER dress up nor go out anymore, so I took my time and tried to make myself look presentable. I wanted to look as pretty and strong as I felt after I had let go of the emotions I kept deep inside, and I did just that. Heels rockin, make up in check, hair on point and attitude sparked I had a wonderful evening with some of the most important people in my life. During the evening I had a talk with one of my close girlfriends about why lately I had been so distant. As I told her some of what I had been going through, she was shocked by my admittance to feeling failure in situations that I couldn’t control. She said (and I quote) “Kid, you can’t control how other people view or treat you. Titan, at the end of the day you just have to know that you gave it your all and that your heart was in the right place. You can’t make people want to love you for who you are. But you also can’t allow them to change you to please them. You have so much positive in your life. Don’t let them take that away from you” And she was 100% right. Looks like I still have a lot to learn. And if others around me are noticing my silence than the point im making about making a difference becomes stifled, like me, due to it preventing me from my mission to inspire.

I have a lot of work to do in many different ways. But as I fix my wrongs and turn my life into rights, I hope that my mission stays forward. I can do this, have my goals come into fruition…that I don’t doubt. Whether it takes me 5 months or 5 years, my tenacity is ferocious to contend with but equally as stubborn is my heart. I’m learning through experience that I can’t allow the things I unfortunately don’t have control of to control me. I get so wrapped up in the situations that are beyond my grasp and can’t rectify that it deters me from the things I can. I love these two people more than at times I want to admit so accepting the fact that they don’t feel the same isn’t easy. But now that I’m aware of it and seeing from the outside in how it has effected me has to change for the future. I won’t allow the circumstance to change the path I seek or make me any less dedicated. I wake up every morning on 2 missions, to inspire a life to make better decisions and to be one step closer to obtaining the dream I’ve set for myself. At times I’m sarcastic and raw but never do I want to give way to my anger to lead my behavior decisions again. I need to stay motivated on the fact of motivating others rather than the negative discrepancies I may face.

While far from perfect, I’m giving it my best. I’m willing to learn and grow and in turn that’s making me a better athlete and person. With the realization of humanity comes the feeling of accomplishment which turns into satisfaction. I may not please everyone but I hope to put my place in the world, one foot print at a time.

Because I am here.

Hunger Pains

Here I sit…a warm grilled chicken garden salad staring right at me, begging for me to divulge in all its delight, staring at me to engulf myself in its delicious but nutritious ways…

But no, I can’t enjoy even this healthy treat because it’s not TIME for me to eat. AAAHHH!!! FML

I’ve been through prep before, I get it. The process of dieting sucks big fat bulging balls. We eat foods for fuel factor rather than taste. We compromise our momentary pleasures to get up on stage in a two piece smaller than a handkerchief for the point of guts and glory. Been there, done it. But this prep is COMPLETELY different from what I’ve experienced in the past, and let me tell you IM suffering, big time. My energy levels are shot, and I mean I feel like a tech 9 has obliterated me. My mood is just at the “fuck it” stage and my sugar cravings are making me look like I have a mix between turrets and an issue with my weave when I’m trying to ignore them. I’m only one week in to my official cut and its this bad. Man do I have a long road ahead of me.

This time, cutting is harder due to my look having to be harder. When competing in physique, a female’s over all look is MUCH leaner than figure. We are going for sharp, hard, and cut the fuck up look but still having enough femininity to pull off that sex appeal. It’s a fine line to walk, having to keep muscularity on but have paper-thin skin. I could keep training like a beast but my work ethic wont prove shit without my diet being meticulous. My coach is a killer on the food aspect of this game. She is a die-hard on diet and keeping cardio at a reasonable rate. While im still doing over an hr of cardio some days, I’ve heard of coaches who focus on the opposite and make their athletes max out on cardio with over 2 hours, depleting their bodies of the necessary elements to prevent injury and keep gains. Keeping my muscle tissue, rather than burning it, is number one priority, especially with my past and how high my metabolism tends to kick on once I up my cardio levels. So my amazing coach and I have devised a plan to keep my knee in tact, muscles blaring and mindset tight… and while I’m pleased to hear that my life wont be revolved around the hamster wheel, looking at this salad and knowing I can’t eat it, even though I’m starving is making me wonder if the treadmill sounds like a better option at this point.

My diet is pretty simple. I need it to be. I hate when coaches give me variation. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. While not having peanut butter is difficult, I can do it. I’m dedicated to this, so if that if not eating the greatest food made in the entire world is what it takes to win, then damnit I’ll suffer. Broccoli 18 times a day? Bloated but I’ll shove it down. Tilapia at 5am? Put some hot sauce on that bitch and I’m set. Kill leg day on no carbs? When don’t I? So what on earth is driving me so bat shit crazy if it isn’t necessarily the type of food? Well its the duration that I now have to wait to shove down my food like a prisoner on jail break. Last check in, my coach decided to cut out one of my meals and change the timing when I’m allowed to eat. (I wish I could have taken a picture of my face when she dropped that bomb. I think that was more shocking than when she cut out my peanut butter.) Dropping from 3000 calorie + during my off-season to some days at 1700 is tough but waiting 4 hours to eat a meal is freakin mind blowingly difficult. Not only do I eat less in a sitting but now I’m eating less frequently, so my stomach and mind are basically like “bro, wtf is your issue?”  I’ve always had it engrained in my system to eat on point every 3 hours, and my stomach has gotten used to that schedule. While an extra hour doesn’t sound like much time to wait, I feel like I should spend it banging my head up against the wall to make the voices in my head screaming “feed me!” stop yappin and let me function like a normal human being. And having to calm down my nearly animalistic behavior from hunger pains is far from easy as well.  I’m chewing gum like its my job and I can tell that my manner is much less patient than normal. Is it an excuse to act rude to people, blowing sticky bubbles in their face? No. But I’m hoping people can excuse my abnormally short and chewy behavior bc I’m food deprived and craving. Plus my exhaustion levels are at an all time high. Yes I have a busy schedule but last time I competed I managed a 70 hrs a week work schedule, a boyfriend and a crazy cardio schedule…but my diet had more meals. Between the tired eyes, grumbling stomach and my tweeking (not twerking) body I know I look like a heroin addict on a high, but instead of drugs Im withdrawing from, it’s food…insulin actually.

Remember how I blogged about food and how certain items trigger certain chemical production in the brain? Well here is where it really comes into play. Dieting in general is tough but take it to a competitor level and cutting is brutal. Not only is the diet strict but the workouts are more intense and the pressure of it all can easily surmount to near impossible to deal with. So add lowered levels of insulin in your body and pair it with deficient serotonin amounts, and you get an even crankier Titan. Not only are you taking away my sweets but with the longevity between meals, my body is reaching for anything to use as energy…aka stored fat; great for the waist line, horrible for the mood. Add fasted cardio to the mix, which ignites the metabolism for the remainder of the day, my hand looks appetising from a glance. While cannibalism isn’t a normal means of fuel in my diet regiment, between the fasted cardio and my body’s reaction to the diet, my sweet self is looking more and more delicious. (see Im even getting delirious!) 

So you’re probably thinking “why on earth is this crazy woman putting herself through this?” While I can’t give you a good rational at this current moment due to me being in between meals and cranky as all hell, so all I can come up with is because I have to. Is this taking its toll on me? yes, but I can honestly say that my hunger pains are no match to my hunger to win. The successes that I have had in my life weren’t given to me, I’ve hands down earned them. While God gave me the opportunities, I’ve had to carry the weight of the world alone, baring the good and bad consequences from the lessons I’ve learned. Most of my family is against this and I’ve felt their coldness towards this lifestyle,  so if I were to compare the pains of hunger against the pain of isolation…It’s a no brainer that I can push myself through. I love a good challenge so to answer the question to How or why I’m proceeding through, look at my life…you really think I’m going to quit because of meer discomfort? Yeah…like I’m THAT bitch.

Breaking it down, I know why and how my body is working the way it is but dealing with the effects of the process is torturous. I wake up in the middle of the night just to drink some bcaas to calm things down, but that won’t break me. I’ve got this. I just have to keep thinking about the finish, the push is stronger than the pull. I’ve got 16 minutes until my meal and while I may be counting down the seconds on my alarm clock, every second waiting is calorie earned and burned.

15 minutes and  32,31,30,29….