I think we all have had a time in our lives when we have said “well if this were to happen to me, I would handle it this way” or “that would never happen to me but if it ever did i would know how to take care of it.” We say to ourselves that it couldn’t or wouldn’t happen then we give these irrational justifications to our brains to comfort our hearts just in case we ever came across such a situation BUT what in life is ever predicatable enough to say indefinitely what would be the resolution besides for the definite of death? Are we brave enough to follow through with our predictions or will the fear of the moment bring us to our knees? What happens upon “if” becoming “when”?
I’m at the point in my maturity where I realize that everything happens for a just cause. Do I know in the moment why, usually no, due to the unfortunate circumstance of being human but I have become more sound in the belief of knowing there is a reason to inopportune moments. That knowledge is in my power but that’s about the only thing that is, not only for me but any person. We only obtain the power to react upon another action, whether it be environmental or personal, and our reciprocation to the event will be a catalyst for the rest of the ordeal. While we say we may engage in a position in a particular misfortune, what if that action were to actually occur or be worse then we could have ever imagined? Would the gravity of the experience change your foresight due to the emotional connection we as humans so gently hold?
I’m in a tight spot. After finding out almost a year of my life was spent in a lie, the confusion to why I would be put here really has taken over my life. I remember saying to myself in the past “if I was ever to be disgraced by a man again, I would make sure he paid for his sins.” or “if a man were to ever disrespect me like this I would make sure to get a better revenge to make him hurt like I did.” There was anger in my statements, a certain brooding, that protected my future in some way that to me gave a safety in thought. I’ve fought through so much in my life, battled against fools sworn to make my life hell but in no regards was I ready for this. Yeah we give ourselves comfort in verbal affirmations but when LIFE happens, are we really prepared to handle the truth even if we have already won many battles, gaining strength from ever victory? I know I wasn’t nor did I react how I said I would have.
People have a way of playing on our emotions, not only in the present but to our past and future prides as well. While I have been through some tough situations in relationships, whether friends or lovers, this one took me by surprise and out for the count. I wasn’t ready for the gravity of gluttony in mistellings that I lived in, weakening daily by the pressure to be someone I wasn’t all the while living with someone who well wasn’t themselves either. Days, nights, moments all convaluted with doubt that I was ever something to someone who wasn’t is a mystery unto itself but now living with the guilt that I didn’t follow through in protecting myself from the “if” is something I deal with, surprisingly something the ugly monster doesn’t even think twice about as he lives his life without even a hesitated moment. It amazes me how some people can live more than one life when I have trouble keeping up with my own daily tasks, yet to my stupefaction I had been fooled by a trained and patterned fabricator.
Looking back at it all there were signs I should have and could have done more to protect myself or stopped the madness all together but when “If” happened I was too deep in denial to say no way that could happen to me. This is one of those truly unbelievable situations and coming from a girl who has seen some extremely dark moments, pulling myself out from this mess will definitely be at the top of my shit list. Another lesson learned and what feels like a walk of shame is not to be tallied in the “if” category any longer but filed away in did. Trust in anything or anyone right now is foreign, because seeing now that I was so blinded by eyes I thought were sincere, I fear that calling someone home is just as much of a lie as the life i have lived. I allowed myself to be pulled in all different directions, changing who I was for someone untrue to me and when I said “I would never change for a man IF he asked me to” I never could have imagined the pronouncement being as serious of a downfall as looking at someone who’s entire life had been made to be something it wasn’t, while the life he made with me was even more unjust. Even when I had voiced multiple times to myself it was over, it never really was because the hand he held on with was still out for reach due to my heart extending the grasp in return. I’m a sucker let’s face it, because when you actually have a heart you never think someone could be as malicious to make your “if”statements a cruel reality.
“if” doesn’t have to be a someone for it can also be an environment or a tragedy but in my case it was all three. Am I to blame for part of this, yes. I kept myself involved out of many factors; disbelief in the possibility that someone could be so mendacious to spread himself out so thin, trying to hang onto someone who pushed me back at every chance they could, allowing someone to do kind deeds when knowing there was a catch to them, ignoring the signals his family and friends gave to his past and will always be future, being weak when the pleas of forgiveness came after vicious mind fuck games were played, bending over to only be controlled without even realizing until I was faced with the crud reality of evidence…the list could go on. Maybe one day the gravity of the situation will hit this other person but I highly doubt it seeing that this is a perpetual offense of love, or lack there of… I was just another victim of circumstance and not of what he made but of what I said, promising to myself “if” when in turn there’s nothing but a potential let down in that statement. I’m taking one day at a time, trying to still wrap my head around ALL of this and what I found, but I’m lucky to have had the experience, why I’m not quiet sure yet but I know that my blessed heart will find absolution soon
Lesson here, the next time you say “if” think about what you say there after before just uttering a declaration of possible clarity. While the intentions at the time may be for strength, some occassions in life are so unimaginable in weight, that the thickness in the air may be to much to breath a sigh of accuracy in prediction.
O.M.G. on my grind 